1) 90% of the population missed the day of school where the rest of us learned how to enunciate.
2) The dumber someone is, the more insistent they are that you're the dumb one.
3) Politeness is a luxury few people seem to be able to afford.
4) If you don't pay your (gas/water/electricity) bill for several months, it's not your fault. Its the fault of the person on the other end of the phone, for being such a C***.
5) The general public can talk to me any way they want, but heaven forbid I get in a quip every now and again.
6) Apparently, I have some kind of magical fortune telling device at my finger tips. The question "when is ______ going to happen?" Has become the question I loathe the most. Its also the one I get asked the most. Come closer. Closer. Listen carefully. Are you listening? I DONT FREAKING KNOW WHEN, DOWN TO THE NANO SECOND ITS GOING TO HAPPEN! And further more, I'm not even going to estimate when it MIGHT happen because ...
7) When other people don't do their jobs/what they're supposed to do, its my fault.
8) If you kid is sick, its totally acceptable to wait all day while the office is open and the doctor is in, and instead call at 2 am and tell whomever answers the phone that your child has been sick all day.
9) If you order a sandwich, and don't ask what's on it, it's the servers fault that you got tomatoes.
10) The weirder your name is, the more attitude you will give when asked to spell it.
11) Asking someone to speak up only works about 50% of the time.
12) It's generally a good idea to turn off "Soulja Boy" before answering the phone, if you work for a hospice program. The family of the dying don't really want to hear Caribbean Drums looped under "Super man dat hoe."
13) When I eat ice cream, the cold causes me to slur my words, Which is fine, except I learned this while I was volunteering at AA.
14) The customer is not always right. But they are usually rude, self involved, and socially unaware.
15) Working with the general public will make you wish you had one of those slime machines Nickelodeon had back in the 90s.
16) There really is only one RIGHT way to fold a fajita.
17) Bragging about how you've never fallen in the kitchen means that you will fall in the kitchen the next time you walk in there.
18) No matter where you work, you will always have that one co-worker that you think about kicking the shit out of whenever you have a bad day, and it makes you smile.
19) Never underestimate the drawing power Arby's Delicious Roast Beef Sammiches. You will look like an asshole when you have to tell a bunch of customers you ran out of beef.
20) Approximately 73% of what you say to a customer when you work in fast food goes in one ear and out the other, unless your attitude is bad, then miraculously, they hear everything you say, because they repeat it back to your manager later. Kudos to Charles from Stoughton, MA for the dead-on impression of me that you did for my boss in 2005. I had no idea men could get their voices to go that high.
21) A sure-fire way to get fired is for someone ELSE to call you a carpet muncher. I should have sued those bitches.
22) The following excuses will NOT get you out of work: Godzilla, Black Plague, Gerbil infestation, giant squid, the batmobile cut me off and I missed my exit, and my personal favorite "There's a foot of snow on the ground." "So? This is Massachusetts." "I'm from Maryland! I have never seen this much snow. If you rounded up all the snow from my entire life, it would not be this much snow."
23) The only way to relieve sexual tension with a co-worker is to sleeping with them, so then it can become sexual awkwardness.
24) A company will spend 1000s of dollars on new desks or paint jobs, but they don't have money in their budget for new computers or to replace faulty equipment that employees actually need to do their jobs.
25) The worst employees are always the ones who get promoted.
26) If someone else says "That's not my job." its fine. If you say it, you're a bad employee, or not a team player.
27) If you have an innovative idea, it will be ignored. If another co-worker takes that idea from you, puts it on a new piece of paper with their name on it, and turns it in to your boss, they will be commended for it.
28) If you're running late, and you call in with an excuse to avoid trouble (flat tire, etc) The Very Next Day, that will happen to you.