Holiday Birthdays

 

My sad little pink cake. 

Ahhh, another birthday!  I’m now officially a quarter century old, as of 10:02 pm this evening, anyhow.

As one of the “Holiday Birthday People”, I can tell you exactly how every conversation about my birthday has ever gone down…

Friend: When’s your birthday?

Me: December 27th.

Friend: Oh, that’s two days after Christmas!

Me(Thinking: No shit, Sherlock):  Yeah, it is. (forced smile)

Friend: A holiday baby!

Me(Giving up pretense.):  Yep.

Friend(After a moment): You must get screwed out of presents.

Me(Grimace): Yep.

Yes, I am a victim of the dreaded “Merrychristmashappybirthdayyouonlygetonepresent”.  I understand the holiday season is a time of fund shortage, but you could have at least gotten me another card, instead of just writing PS Happy Birthday on my Christmas card.

I think the gentleman on the birthday card on the right resembles Michael Phelps.

You know, as a wildly unsuccessful writer, money is tight for me all the time, but you don’t see me telling my friends with birthday’s in June “Hey, remember that really nice card I got you in December?  The one with all the glitter?  And that really nice CD of Elton Jon’s Greatest Hits? Happy Birthday.”  I doubt that would over so well.

My cat assisting my mother in my kitchen.

But that’s not really what bugs me.  What bugs me is that as a child, I was never really able to have a birthday party.  People who forget, I’d get lost in the Holiday shuffle.  Even now as an adult, I can’t really have a big party.  I suppose I could have it a few weeks late or early, but its just not the same.

This year, though, I’m going for broke, literally, and going to Atlantic City.  Hopefully I’ll come back a little richer.  The question is, though, should I wear my Tiara?

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and Please, please, please have a SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Just One Word of Advice This Holiday Season:

Many of you are headed home for the Holidays.  Some of you are all ready finished your shopping, some have yet to start.  Some people will be celebrating Hanukkah and others Kwanza.  To some people, it's just another day.

I will be working, like I usually am, but that's not really relevant to what I'm about to tell you.

About three years ago, I hit a major milestone in my life.  A mirror was held up to my face and I didn't like what I saw.  I lost someone important to me, only I didn't realize how important they were until they were gone.  The holiday season has held little joy for me since then.  In fact, it's been a time of mourning more so than anything else.

I never want another person to ever feel the pain I felt when I got the message that Justin was gone.  I never want anyone to feel the guilt or regret I feel over his death... So my advice to you,when you're with your friends or family this Christmas, and every day from now... Love them, cherish them, and let them know how important they are to you.  I'm trying to do that with the few people left in my life, and I try to be a better person for them.  I suck at it, but I hope they know how hard I'm trying to be who they expect me to be, and not who I was.

On that note, I'm going to end the super-emo, buzz killing festivities... and wish everyone a Happy Holiday Season!

Mascara&Microchips Remembers...

Though I am usually the first one to pick on Celebrities, I really do love them, and this year, we lost some of our best and brightest stars






In addition, I'd also like to honor the following celebrities that were not included in TCM Remembers:

Britney MurphyNovember 10th, 1977 - December 20th, 2009

Ed McMahon

March 6th, 1923 - June 23rd, 2009

Michael Jackson

August 29th, 1958 - June 25th, 2009

Billy Mays

July 20th, 1958 - June 28th, 2009

 

Chris Henry

May 17, 1983 – December 17, 2009

If I have omitted anyone that has passed away this year, please know that it was not meant in the vein of disrespect, and please feel free to leave me a comment so that I may add them to this tribute.

Verizon Still Sucks and Domino's Is on My Shizz List

...Yes, I think it's safe to say it's been one of those days.

As predicted, work was ridiculously busy with "HELP! I IS STUCK IN A DITCH N CAINT GET OUT" calls.  I did learn a lot about one of the coun ty tow-truck drivers, though.  Nice guy.  We had many conversations over the course of the night.

I got home after a slow, but thankfully uneventful drive home, and laid down for a nap around 8:30.  I was up at 1:30 unable to sleep any longer.  I'm redoing my bathroom -- Or rather, my mother is, because she has completely taken over the project, so my dad was replacing the faucets and stuff today.  Because I'm not much of a cook, and because I like delicious, greasy pizza, I decided to order a pizza.  I went on to Dominos.com and looked for online cupons.  I found a few and ordered pizza and drinks for my parents, and myself.  It came to about 30 bucks and I paid with my debit card.  And I waited... and waited.

My dad had been to Lowe's and a couple of other places an hour or so before I placed my order, and almost everywhere was open.  I live about 3 miles from the Domino's in question, so after I called 3 times and got a busy signal, I decided to ride down there and just pick up the oder.  I got there, and they were closed!  Yeah, I'd better get my friggin' 30 bucks back!  (At this point, the roads were not even that bad.)

Getting into my car sucked, though.  Because all the snow from earlier had melted from the heaters and junk, and then re-frozen, it took a good 10-15 minutes to get the car OPEN and de-iced.  At 5 pm.  I felt smug, thinking, oh, I won't have to this again later tonight.

Silly me.  The skies opened up again and dumped another inch or two of snow on us, so I had to dig myself out again at 10 pm, and the roads were really horrendous then.  Coming to work was a little scary.  I'm a better driver than some, but even I get a little nervous when the roads are icey and covered with more snow.  I swerved a few times, but luckily stayed out of the ditches.  I'm glad I brought extra pants to work, because the bottoms of my jeans were soaked.

Snow is pretty, but I wish it would have waited until next week when I'm OFF to snow.

Verizon is up to their old tricks again.  Remember the Never Ending Soap Opera with the phone?  Well, now they are saying they never got the old phone (its been several months, I have no idea where the fuggin paper work is now!) and they are attempting to charge me for the phone, again.

When my contract is up, I may just said eff it and get an iPhone.

So that was my day... How was yours? :-)

Eff the Snow, Eff the Snow, Eff the Snow...

The alarm goes off at 10:00 pm and I know before I even get up, before I even open my eyes... I KNOW.  I know because the neighborhood is quiet, except for the sound of a single, solitary car splashing through something making too much noise to simply be rain.  I know that sound, it is the sound I hear in my nightmares. 

It  is the sound of snow.

I was  not like other children.  I never liked snow.  I hate cold, I hate wet.  I didn't enjoy playing in it, or building snowmen.  I was a curmudgeon every winter from the age of two on up.

As I've gotten older, my hatred of snow has only gotten worse, compounded by the fact that the area in which I live so rarely gets snow, it's almost like a slap in the face when it actually does happen.

And the thing about living somewhere that doesn't get snow often is that no one knows how act.  No one knows how to drive in it, stores sell out of bread and toilet paper and milk for an inch of snow.

...You read that correctly.  The entire area shuts down for an inch.

They are predicting two feet of snow for the general area, I am having nightmares thinking about how crazy work will be with all the idiots driving into telephone poles because they don't understand how to drive in the snow.

The funny thing was the ride to work tonight.  I live about 9 miles from where I work, putting me just outside the city limits.  The area I live in is defined as "rural" even though you can't see the stars because of all the lights in the city... but I digress... I was stuck behind a snow plow for the first leg of my trip, about 4 miles, and a little old lady going 6 MPH for the remainder of the trip. Even when we hit the corporate limits, and the road magically became clear, she plodded along at the same speed. 

The kicker is, I can still see the grass poking through the snow.

Flick Pick Friday: McLintock!

The Films:  Darkness Falls, Notting Hill, McLintock!, Multiplicity and Zerophilia

The Reviews:

The Good:

If you like scary movies, Darkness Falls is a pretty good choice.  Understand that what I'm about to say to you mind sound ridiculous, but imagine a world in which the tooth fairy is really a vengeful spirit who wants to break your neck...  Yeah.  The movie isn't as cheesie as it sounds, and it gave me quite a good scare.

A young boy loses his last baby tooth, and the tooth fairy comes for it, and he peeks - a cardinal rule that is never to be broken.  The tooth fairy then attempts to kill him, and succeeds in killing his mother.  Labeled as a crazy freak, and a murderer he runs away from his hometown, only to return twelve years later when a childhood friend's younger brother begins to exhibit similar signs that the "tooth fairy" is after him.  The only way to stay safe, to stay alive, is to stay in the light...  but what will they do when Darkness Falls?  (See what I did there?)

Cheese aside (Cause I know it sounds like you should spread it on a ritz), the film is very well done, and sort of breaks the horror movie cliches that have bored me to tears recently.  It takes a helluva lot to scare me, and I slept with my lights on after watching this.

However, I always have been, and always will be, a long standing fan of John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara.   Even if you don't like "old movies" per sae, I think that McLintock! is worth giving a glance to.  It's a love story, true enough, but it's also very funny.  G.W. Mclintock is a cattle baron post civil war, and his wife, Kathryn, has become an ambitious social climbing witch.  She leaves him, but comes back two years later for their daughter. Hijinx ensue, including a spanking.

I know a lot of people will discount the movie because it's older, is a western, and isn't even one of the more well known movies of the era, but believe me, I know movies, and this one is a GREAT one.


The Mediocre:

Notting Hill is supposedly a "great modern romance" but I wouldn't put it up there with Titanic or anything.  It has many endearing moments, and Hugh Grant is... well, he's Hugh Grant.  He's that flustered character with all the right quips at all the right moments, and the big blue eyes that women swoon for. Julia Roberts spends most the film looking disinterested.  The incidental characters were really what makes the movie, the slob roommate, the loopy baby sister, the adoring friends.  They were actually REAL people, who look that much more grotesque next to the perfection of Grant and Roberts.

The plot, though, is rather unbelievable.  A super megastar (Julia Roberts was apparently playing Angelina Jolie) and a poor travel book shop owner meet in a chance encounter, involving orange juice being spilled on one of them, and go back to his place to clean up... Right, like a super famous actress would just go to some strange man's home and change her clothes. (eye roll).  It is less convincing as time goes by, but then, most romantic comedies are.

Zerophilia is just ridiculous, but for some reason I liked it.  Probably because it's so freaking ridiculous.  Every time our leading man becomes... Aroused, shall we say... he turns into a girl.  Yes, you read that correctly.  HE GROWS BOOBS!  There is some snappy dialouge, and the two "best friends" are the absolute greatest.  By the way, if you get a minute, google "Zerophila Disease", and laugh at all the stupid people who are actually worried about having a latent "Z chromosome."

The Ugly:

Really, Michael Keaton?  How the might have fallen.  The movie was not funny, not well written, and all in all, not worth watching.  It's no Beetlejuice, that's for damned sure.

Putting aside the numerous factual and scientific errors, the movie just misses every mark it aims for.  It's predictable ("Hey! you weren't wearing that shirt a second ago!") and can't seem to make up its mind if it wants you to feel sorry for Doug or think he's an asshole.  (I think he's an asshole).

There are some funny moments, but mostly the movie was a waste of bandwidith.  Silly netflix.


The Grade:

McClintock! gets a solid "A", Darkness Falls an "A-",  Zerophila a "B", with Notting Hill trailing closely behind with a "B-", and Multplicity bringing up the rear with a "D"

Whats up, 2010?

So these year, I've decided to actually make a few resolutions (and actually stick to them...) and I've decided to share some of them with you, Dear Reader.

Resolution Number One: I resolve that I will never settle, for anything.  If it's not all of the things that I want, and all of the things that I need, I'm not interested.

Resolution Number Two:  I resolve that I will never, ever give up on writing again.  Even when it gets hard, even when I feel like I'm invisible (a common feeling for me in the world of publishing), even when I have nothing to write about, I'm going to keep at it, because it's what I'm good at, it's what I love, and it's what saved me.

Resolution Number Three: I resolve to take better care of myself.  I need to eat better, be more dilligent about taking my vitamins, get more sleep.  I don't want to be overweight forever, and I don't want to feel like I have no energey any more.

Resolution Number Four: I resolve that I'm going to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I've made in the past.  I can't change it, I can only try to be a better person.  I've made this resolution before, and it's so hard to stick to, because my mistakes are constantly thrust in ny my face.  If other people can't forgive me, I need to at least be able to forgive myself.

Resolution Number Five:  I resolve to get a better handle on my finances so that I can move into a decent apartment, and not have a roommate.  I want to be able to blast my music and walk around naked.


I have other resolutions, ones I make every year (stop biting nails, go out and meet people, get a tan and stop looking so much like a fucking Cullen) that I always seem to fail at miserably, and a few that I've made and stuck to (Stop smoking, stop using alcohol as a social crutch, stop wearing blue eye shadow), so I hope that I succeed with this list.  Do you have any resolutions that you make every year?  Any new ones for this year?

People I should have sued in 2009

As the economy continues to decline, I have to be more proactive in bringing in the monies.  Looking back over the last year or so, I see there were several missed opportunities for me to collect monies from people because I'm simply too lazy to file a law suit.  I probably should have sued (or at least settled out of court with) the following folks:

CNN:  Yes, yes, they did show my you-tube video, which was public intellectual property, and give me national exposure, but they also labeled me a Pothead on national TV.  Most people wouldn't mind so much, but I have never (shocking, but true) even touched pot.  My honor has been tarnished.  Nevermind that it was questionable to begin with...

Sonic:  They have nummy delicious foodz and drinks, but they have one hella slippery parking lot!  I slipped and fell, and may have dislocated my knee (I've had problems with it for years, so I probably should have seen a doctor post fall, but I didn't).  I could have had free limeades for life!!

Lady GaGa:  "Bad Romance" was my idea...  Why do you think I dated Joe?  Also, I totally came up with the idea to wear leotards and no pants.

Octomom: Just for the strain she and her litter are putting on the economy and taxpayers (IE: ME!!)

McG: Terminator Salvation is not Charlie's Angles.  Stop treating it like it is.

Kanye West:  This is for interrupting my sex dream with Michael Phelps.

Verizon: For all the effing drama they have caused with this phone (there was another new developement today, I'll write about it later), I should get a years worth of free service.  But I won't, because verizon is evil.

2009 isn't over.  I could still sue them. Hmmm...

Top Douche Bags of 2009

So I know we have a few weeks left in '09, but I'm hopping the douche baggery can hold off until 2010...  In the meantime, here are my favorite Douche Bags from 2009:


12. Octomom: Wait wait wait... she just gave birth to 8 kids?  What?  She doesn't have a job?  SHE HAS 6 OTHER KIDS?!  SHE HAS A CRUSH ON JON GOSSELIN!?!?!?!?!

11. Robert Pattinson:  This bears no need for explanation.

10. Jon Gosselin:   Anyone who has more than four kids is automatically on my D-bag list just for contributing to the population problem, but his douchey behavior only intensified in the post Jon and Kate days.  What I want to know, is why do people care?  Why is his flabby belly all over my tabloids?!

  9. Tiger Woods: Ok, he cheated on his wife.  Have you seen his wife?  She's fucking hot!  Why would you cheat on that fine piece?  Oh yeah, because you're Tiger Woods, you're so cool because you play... Golf?  Really?

  8. Lindsay Lohan: Following  her break up with Samantha Ronson (Eww), she went nuts.  Not Britney-Headshaved-Attacking-The-Papparazzi-With-An-Umbrella crazy... but... Yeah, looney tunes, none the less, which I don't understand.  Ronson must have voodoo poon or something. (Shudder)

  7. Bernard "Barry" Maddoff: What's the only thing worse than CEO's who embezzle millions of dollars from companies?  Chairmen who embezzle BILLIONS of dollars.  Seriously... How much money does one man need?

  6. Michael Phelps: He was the hero of 2008, but that all went to Pot, literally.  But I do have to thank him for his egregious error, because of him, my blog got national exposure because of a video I did (it was unrelated to the marijuana incident, but I'll take it) about the sexy red-eyed monster.  But suddenly, our golden boy was public enemy number one.

  5. Telia Tequlia:  http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=41736&blogId=516050834 After reading this, I was so tempted to delete her from my myspace page.  She's sort of like a crazy, slutty trainwreck.  I can't look away.

  4. Sara Palin: Running for President?  Resigning as govenor of Alaska? Writing a book?  Posing for runner's life?  I'm so flipping confused.  Make up your mind, Grandma.

  3. Will I Am: Let's start a fight with Perez Hilton, and then run away, and let the big mean manager punch him in the face!  Cause that's cool.  Oh, and you SUCKED in X-Men: Origins.

  2. Chris Brown: Hey, Chris Brown... on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how pissed are you that you're on this list?  Are you going to Chris Brown me?  I'm gonna warn you, I'll Chris Brown you back.

  1. Kanye West: It was the shot heard round the world.  Rabid Taylor Swift fans started crawling out of the wood work.  Everyone was talking about it.  Now that something ELSE has happened to Taylor Swift besides being ignored by some boy she likes, she has material for a whole new album!  Even facebook had a quiz to figure out what Kayne West would interrupt in your life!

Flick Pick Friday: "Seven Pouds"

Don't give me that look.  I know today is Sunday, techincally meaning that I gypped you out of Flick Pick Friday this week, and I'm sorry for that.  I know you're depressed about that, and about WTF: Wednesday, but fear not, everything will return to normal (for around here, anyway) this week.  I've just been running around like Paris Hilton in a weiner-licking contest trying to get my Christmas shopping done, plan for my Super Awesome Birthday Extrvaganza, and figure out how to correctly use my Bump-It with out looking like a conehead.

However, I did wind up with a lot of time for movies this week, more than usual, surprisingly.  I decided to finally watch "Seven Pounds", and "The Haunting of Molly Hartley" since netflix was shoving them in my face every time I logged in... and I've decided to change up how I'm doing the flick picks.   Instead of reviewing one movie, whether I liked it or not, I'm going to review several and pick the one I liked best.  I think I'll review between 3 and 5 movies, and try for a diverse selection of genres.  You, dear reader, will have to give me some feedback about this new approach versus the old one. (B-Dozzel, this means you, because you're the only one who reads Flick Pick Friday posts)

The Films:

The movies I watched this week were:  The Royal Tenenbaums, Aboslute Power, The Haunting of Molly Hartley, Paranormal Activity, and Seven Pounds.


The Reviews: 

The Good: 
Seven Pounds was the best movie in the group, in my opinion, with Absolute Power coming in at a close second. Seven Pounds is about a man who feels a tremendous amount of guilt after causing a car accident that kills seven people, including his own Fiancee.  He then spends all of his time trying to atone for what he's done by searching for people who need help in various ways, from a woman trapped under the thumb of an abusive boyfriend, to a young woman badly in need of a heart transplant.  The movie is presented to us out of sequence, and I find that to be slightly annoying, but some people enjoy putting the puzzel pieces together. However, it is a powerful story, and I'm really honestly shocked that it didn't fair better at the box office.  I did cry at the end, though, so if you're a sap like I am, tissues might be a good idea.

Absolute Power is the story of a seasoned burglar who witnesses a high profile murder in an attempt to rob the home of a wealthy man who is close friends with the President of the United States.  The FBI, Secret Service, and a hired assassin pursue him, all with different motives. He has to prove his innocence, keep his estranged daughter out of harm's way,  and bring the real killer to justice before the bad guys catch him.  I liked this movie a lot, and I really have no complaints about it.  Eastwood has always been one of my favorite directors, and as usual, he does not disappoint.

The Mediocre:
The Royal Tenenbaums couldn't make up its mind if it wanted to be a comedy or not, even though it has veteran funny man Bill Murray, both Wilson Brothers, and Ben Stiller (who's comedic abilities are arguable).  Casting Gwyneth Paltrow was mistake number one, since the woman is incapable of registering any type of emotion whatsoever other than boredom.  Gene Hackman's character was so... unlikeable, but yet, you couldn't help rooting for him, just so the movie would be over.   Additionally, Danny Glover, Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson all turned down parts in Ocean's Eleven to appear in this film. I regret this decision for them.

The estranged family full of prodigies comes together when they learn one of them is termianlly ill.  Ridiculous antics ensue.  I wasn't impressed with any of the performances, nor with the script.  It's not a horrible movie, but I wouldn't watch it again.

The Ugly: 
The Haunting of Molly Hartley was nonsensical, and full of "expected" scares, and really just didn't make a ton of sense to me.  It felt overdone, and at the same time, was so convoluted and unclearly explained that I was just disgusted with it.   After her mother tried to kill her by stabbing her in the chest with a pair of scissors, Molly and her father move and attempt to start over, but it turns out Molly is insane and hearing voices and seeing things. Oh golly gosh, however will this end?  By the time the exposition was complete, I just wanted someone, anyone, to die.  Preferably Molly.  So we could all get on with our regularly schedule lives, all ready in progress.

Paranormal Activity would have been a lot better if it wasn't just The Blair Witch Project microwaved and put on the table.  I wasn't scared at all during either film, but more annoyed than anything.  Paranormal Activity had a lot of potential, but the ending made me want to find the actors and beat the hell out of them for agreeing to something so lame.  I also want to find the writer and ask him why he didn't give up the pretense of something "New" and admit he needed to reshingle his roof, so he just churned out an indoor adaptation of The Blair Witch Project.

The Grade: 

I give Seven Pounds an "A", Absolute Power an "A-", The Royal Tennenbaums a "C-", and Both Paranormal Activity and The Haunting of Molly Hartley a "D"

It's not mine... It's my cat's!

Don’t even lie.  You have stuffed animals in your bedroom.  They may not be where anyone can see them, but they’re there.
    However, there’s nothing more embarrassing than being caught by a person of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that’s what you’re into) while you’re playing with those little plush balls of blush-making-material.  Sometimes, I’m able to play it off, as I clearly collect penguin paraphernalia, so it’s understandable I’d have a few strewn about my bedroom.  However, there’s really no excuse for the three foot tall bright pink bunny rabbit in the corner.
    I started blaming it on my cat, saying he likes to climb it and play with it.  And it might have worked, if the cat hadn’t clearly demonstrated a healthy fear of said rabbit.
    I’ve never seen a guy run down a flight of stairs quite so fast in my life.
    At least the cat take comfort in the fact that he’s not the only one afraid of the rabbit.

The most awesome thing you will see today:

For some reason, my software cut off the last letter of most of the text-posts, but you get the idea.

Twelve Reason Why I Think I'm Adopted and Five Reason Why I know I'm Not:

Everyone, at some point in their relationship with their parents, looks at atleast one of them, and goes "Really?  That's my genetic material?", shakes their head, and walks away.  Unless of course, they are adopted... In which case, I'm an asshole...

I digress.  Often, I can't believe my mother and I are related.  We're two such different people, it amazes me that we can even co-exist.  This leads me to believe I am adopted:

• My mom doesn't like sushi.  Not even the cooked kind!  I can't understand that.  Sushi is the most delicious of all things.  Freak.
• My mom doesn't like action movies.  Or horror movies.  Or suspense thrillers.  No, no.  She likes "The Notebook" and all that other Nicholas Sparks shizz.
• My mom cannot effectively text "I'm at subway, do you want anything?" without it looking like this: "I1M At sUBWATdoyouWant anrhing1"
• Her temper.  She claims she doesn't have one, but anyone who's ever been to my house for more than one day consecutively knows this is not true.  Heaven forbid you try to tell her that Horton Hears a Who was made in 2008... She'll cut you.
• Her tendency to hold grudges.  I did something in 1985 she's still pissed off at me for.  
• Her boobs.  I'm relatively flat chested.  My mom is not.
• My eyes.  Everyone else in my family has blue eyes.  Mine are green.
• Her addiction to ice cream.  Seriously, I couldn't keep it in the house.  She's like a herione addict with it.  Even if its a flavor she doesn't exactly like, if I didnt eat it in one or two days, I may as well have forgotten about it.
• Her love of Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, christmas is great, but she's a freak about it.
• Her extremely antisocial behavior. I'm not even going to get into this, because if she reads it, she'll just hold a new grudge against me.
• Her mood swings.  One minute we could be laughing, having a grand old time, and the next minute, I'm literally afraid whatever is in her hand is going to be lobbed at my head.
• Her tendency to find nothing nearly as funny as I do.

And then there are reasons why I know I couldn't possibly be adopted:

• Everyone who has ever met my mother and I claims we look exactly alike.  Except, you know, my lack of cleavage.
• Our mutual hatred of lint, mice, and linty mice.
• Our mutual love of most other animals.
• Our Stubborn streak.
• No one else would want me except my own mother.

So there you have it.  I guess I'm not adopted after all.

Pop Culture References I've had to teach my parents...

Both of my parents are avid TV watchers, so I don't know how they miss out on all the wonderful antics of all the wonderful celebrities out there.  I never, ever watch TV (save the occasional re-run of Roseanne when it's a slow night at work) and I manage to know these things.  I don't know if its because I social network more than they do, or whatever, but I often get crazy phone calls or text messages from my mother asking me what, or who, various things are.  For example:

1. Pwned.
2. Spiedi
3. Numa-Numa
4. WTF
5. TMI
6. TTYL
7. That's Hawt.
8. Perez Hilton and why he's "important"
9. Is Lady GaGa a man or a woman? (and I still don't really have an answer)
10. Kanye West's one man show of "Edward Hennessey-Hands" at the VMAs, because I was constantly interrupting her, saying I was going to let her finish, "but Beyonce had one of the best (whatever my mom was doing) of all time." 

Some of the things on this list are a little older, but believe it or not, I've had to explain everything to my mom in the last twelve months or so.  I guess I'll be translating LoLspeak for her next year...

Un.In.Spired.

That about sums it up.

I managed to knock out about two pages last night on a story tangent I'm just futzing around with because I can't bring myself to work on "Bladefury" anymore right now, even though I know that's what I should be focusing on.  The story tangent is complete drivel, its like Disney's Hocus Pocus meets that movie about the guy who is supposed to protect the elephants, and does all this crazy Jackie Chan-esq stuff Meets The Pirates of Darkwater.  Yes, I realize that sounds like a group of skizophrenic people circle-jerked into a bucket and threw it at my word processor... 

All in all, it's nothing anyone would be interested in reading (and if they are, WTF) and it's detracting from the time I should be working on the novel.  I want to finish the novel and move towards getting it published by summer.  Let's face it, I'm never going to be able to support myself as a writer if I don't write anything.

I just don't feel motivated to write lately.  Even on here,  the writing prompts I've been given for The Best of 2009 don't inspire me to do much.  Mostly, they just remind me of how much I've let my "other" job get in the way of a social life lately, and how flakey some of my "real world" friends can be.  Even "Flick Pick Friday" has become a daunting task for me, and I love to talk about movies.

Dear Writer's Block,
Oh, hello... How are you?  I hope you're not planning an extended visit, because Kitteh needs to go to the vet.  I need to make monies.  Please do not sap me of any more motivation, k?  thanks!
Love, Stacie

How to Buy the Perfect Pair of Jeans

After reading Courtney Rae's recent post about being unable to find a pair of jeans that fit properly, I decided to put my own knowledge of fashion, frustration, and years of shopping experience to the test.

The first step towards finding the pair of jeans that look and feel the best on you is meditation, because you will need to be as calm as possible when you venture out to the stores of your choice.  Buying pants can be one of the most daunting and frustrating tasks a woman can contend with in her daily life.  I recommend taking a half hour before you go and doing some chanting and deep breathing.

Next, have no illusions about your body type.  This might be the most difficult for some women to understand, as for some inexplicable reason, so very many wander around wearing jeans that don't flatter them.  If you're thick through the middle, aim for a higher waist (not "mom jean" high) in a stretch denim.  If you're short, go for a fuller cut that skims the floor.  To create an illusion of height, look for a pair that has stitch the same color as the jeans.  If you don't want your pants dragging on the floor, try a dark jean in a boot cut.  If you're pear shaped, go for a contoured waistline, so there's no butt-cleavage.

Third, understand that no two brands are cut exactly the same, so you may wear a 6 in one brand and a four in another and an eight in still another.  That is probably the most frustrating aspect of shopping for jeans.  My mother frequently complains of buying two identical pair of jeans and having one fit, and the other not.  This alone accounts for 48% of retail related homicides.

Now, go to the store of your choice, armed with this knowledge and perhaps some Xanax.  Pick out the jeans, and head to the dressing room.
 
The most important part of a great fitting jean is how it fits in the butt/hips/crotch.  Any other part of the pant can be altered. If you aren't wild about the length, you hem them yourself, or have them altered.   The cost for alterations can vary greatly, depending on the amount of alterations you need to have done and where you have it done, so take that into consideration when trying on jeans.  Obviously, you want to find the best fit you can, but in the event that there are one or two points that you would like to change, minor alterations can make all the difference.  (I personally believe that all women should know a good tailor and have as many clothes as they can altered to give them their own unique fit, but I know that's not always fiscally responsible, however a great fitting pair of jeans is a MUST.)

If you're like me, you have a hard time finding pants that don't have all that girly ghetto junk stitched all over them, bling and glitter and rhinestones, oh my!  I hate it.  Linked below are some resources for all body types that are glitter free:

http://www.designsbystephene.com | http://www.denimexpress.com/levis.html | http://www.7forallmankind.com/ | http://www.truereligionbrandjeans.com/

I personally rock these jeans.

If price is a factor in your decision, I recommend checking out Deb Jeans or http://www.upscalejeans.com/.

Flick Pick Friday: "The Wrestler"

Looking for my "Best of 2009" Series?  Click Here.

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"The Wrestler" is a bitter-sweet movie about an over-the-hill, faded professional wrestler dealing with a lifetime of bad habits catching up with him.  His daughter won't speak to him, he has no one in his life to turn to in the wake of a heart attack that leaves him unable to wrestle,  he has no life outside the ring.

Though it lacks the obligatory "hollywood happy ending", it's still a great film.  I cried several times, though, admittedly, I am a sissy.

Mickey Rourke really shines in this movie, showing us a nitty gritty side of what the real world can do to people, how we become alienated, how we lose ourselves.

This movie hit home for me because I used to date a guy who wanted to be a professional wrestler; I ultimately ended it because I couldn't stand watching him get hurt in his matches, much like Marisa Tomei's character.  Speaking of Marisa Tomei, there's a sweet "topless" scene with her in the flick.

I give this movie four and a half stars out of five.

The Best of 2009: I'm jumping on another bandwagon!

In addition to my regular posts (WTF Wednesday, Flick Pick Friday), this month I'm participating in the 20SB challenge.

"Share your best moments of 2009 over the course of December. Don’t get hung up on details or length – if there’s an aspect of the question that doesn’t resonate, change it to meet your needs. Note: It will be helpful to keep a separate document open/piece of paper nearby to write down the loose ends you’ll come across as you reflect. If you’re looking for new inspirational blogs, want to resolve to write daily and are up for a challenge to round out your year, join us."

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I will be joining in on the festivities, but I will be posting all of my entries here.