Disney Princesses Psychosis

This post contains spoilers for those of you who have not seen these movies.

As a child (and even as an adult), I have enjoyed the collected works of Disney's animated classics.  I have, at one point or another, owned the majority of the "Princess" movies.  However, now that I'm older, I have noticed (and yes, I realize this is by no means an original thought, there is even a Cracked Article about it) that some of the Princesses have some serious problems that need attending to.

For example... Disney's latest animated film (which will be going in to the Disney Vault soon, so get your copy today!), Tangled, is the story of Rapunzel.  You know the story.  Or do you?

Turns out, Rapunzel is really a shut in.  Kind of like Howard Hughes circa the late 1960s, early 1970s.  While Hughes was suffering from extreme obsessive compulsive disorder, I think Punzie might have agoraphobia, too.  Why else would she hide herself away in a tower and refuse to cut her hair?

You think her step mother or a witch locked her up there?  No, no.  That's just the cover story told by family members who are embarrassed to have such a loon in their blood line.  And the "prince" who rescues her?  He's really a therapist.  Them falling in love?  That is what we, in the medical field (or rather those of us who pretend we are in the medical field) call "transference."

When he said "Rapunzel, let down your golden hair", what he was really saying was "Let down your walls and learn to love."  True Story.

Speaking of Walls and Transference, that brings us to the classic tale of "Beauty and The Beast".  Most people will argue that the story of Beauty and The Beast (or Belle and Prince Adam) is really about learning to accept what is inside a person as opposed to what is outside.  Bullspit.  It's about a dumb bitch who gets kidnapped and develops Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome is a case in which a hostage begins to feel empathy, and positive feelings for their abductor, so named for the events that took place during Norrmalmstorg robbery in Stockhom, Sweden.

Ooh and Aah over the computer effects of the film all you like.  It doesn't take away from the fact that this girl was a PRISONER.  Sure, it was a nifty enchanted castle with a grand library... but come on, dude, nothing changes that the Beast is holding her there by force.  She's not really falling in love with him.  There's just no one else around except a matronly tea pot, an pervey candelabra, and a pompous mantel clock.

Belle wasn't falling in love with the increasingly less Beasty Prince Adam, she was simply accepting her fate and trying to make the best of the situation.  She felt empathy for him because he was an outcast, and so was she, in her former life.  A life its just too painful to think about, because now she's trapped in a castle with a giant... Horned Wolf?

On a side note, I never understood why, when the Beast let Belle go to save her father, she didn't just bring him back to the castle.  Surely it was closer, and it would be easier to care for him in a palace than in their shack.  Perhaps once she was out in the fresh air, she realized she didn't really love the beast.  She only went back out of guilt when the villagers rioted.  I mean, yeah, he was foul tempered, ugly, and a KIDNAPPER, but he did give her a pretty swanky magic mirror.  Bitches love swanky magic mirrors.

While we're on the subject of Magic Mirrors, let's talk about Snow White.   And Cinderella, since they have a similar problem: Their step mothers hate them, and want them out of the picture because they are just too beautiful.  You know what that is, Boys and Girls?  That's a Venus Complex.

What's a Venus Complex, you ask?  A Venus Complex goes back to the days of Roman Gods and Goddesses.  Also known by her Greek name, Aphrodite, Venus was the Goddess of love and beauty.  She was very, very vain.  So vain, that she was so threatened by a mere mortal named Psyche that she ordered her son, Cupid, to dispatch of the young woman, much like the Wicked Queen in Snow White.  Actually, she just asked him to curse her to fall in love with the first ugly thing she sees, but I like my version better.

"Bitch, you ain't going to no ball."
VIA fuckyeahdisneyfacts.tumblr.com

Cupid, like all men in stories such as these, is distracted by Pysche's beauty and accidentally pricks himself with his own arrow, causing himself to fall in love with her.  Well, you can imagine how much this pisses Venus off.  She places a curse on Pysche that keeps her from meeting anyone at all (kind of like when Cinderella's stop-mother locks her in the attic after she discovers the Prince is in love with her).  Poor Pysche.  She needs some Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo if anyone ever did.  Pysche even has two jealous sisters like our fair Cinderella, who try to sabotage her relationship with Cupid from the get-go.

VIA FANPOP.COM

Then of course, there's the Little Mermaid.  She seems pretty normal, right?  You know, minus the tail.  At least on the surface, but once you dive a little deeper, you start to realize she's nuts.  It starts off slowly, you think, well,  twenty thingamabobs isn't so bad.  But whosits and whatsits galore?  That's a little extreme.  That's when you realize, the little mermaid is a hoarder.

Really, what is she going to use all that stuff for? Half of it is broken, and the other half is for people with legs!  You don't have legs, Ariel.  You don't have legs.

Her gadgets and gizmos a plenty don't endear her to her beloved, either.  In fact, he seems appalled as she tries to invented reasons for hanging on to a fork.  It's not a hair brush, silly girl.  Flounder and Scuttle aren't helping her beat this psychosis, either.  Fucking enablers!

The other Princesses/Disney Ladies aren't without their problems, either.

Mulan obviously longed for Gender reassignment but couldn't admit it to herself, and Alice (of Alice in Wonderland Fame) clearly had an addiction to LSD.

Princess Aurora, aka Sleeping Beauty?  Narcolepsy.

Hercules's Meg?  She was simply a bitter woman scorned.

Oh, and Disney's Pocahontas (not the real one)?  She was supposed to be ten or eleven when the movie took place.  Clearly, she's a victim of Pedophila.  That'll come back to bite John Rolfe in the ass later.  Do you have any time the amount of pyschological scaring you left behind, John Smith?

Then of course, there's Aladdin's Jasmine.  That chick clearly has some issues with her temper.  I mean, she literally projects a life time of rage on to any guy who comes near her.  And her father codons it.  Spoiled.  I don't feel sorry for her at all.  She doesn't really love Aladdin, she's just doing it to get back at her father.  "I'll show you, Daddy.  I'll marry a street kid."

Lastly, we come to The Princess and The Frog's Tiana.  She, too, seems normal.  She's just a hard working girl, trying to get ahead in life.  Then we discover she'd sell herself for a few dollars.  Ok, a lot of dollars, and it was just a kiss.  I can admit when I'm reaching.  But still... Little girls be warned!  Don't go kissing men who are promising you money.  ...Well... not unless you get the cash up front.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

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Images in this post VIA wikipedia except where otherwise noted.