Happy New Year (and why I hate generic relationship advice from the internet)

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Happy New Year, Dearest ones!  How will you be celebrating tomorrow night?  I will be with the "in-laws" in Delaware, eating myself into oblivion.

I had a good birthday, thank you to everyone who sent well wishes.  The power at my house DID go out just as I sat down to start my make up (we were having a really bad windstorm on the Shore), but other than that, everything was wonderful.  So wonderful that I'm still slightly hungover three days later.

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas / Hanuka / Kwanzaa / Non-denominational Holiday.

I don't really make New Year's Resolutions anymore, because it's easy to say "On January 1st, I'm going to _____."  And then January 2nd rolls around and you say "Ah, fuck it."  I'm more of a "trying to improve myself little by little throughout the year" sort of person... I don't know if that's anymore effective or not, but it saves me looking like an asshole when someone sees me biting my fingernails on January 3rd.

I woke up today and wasn't able to get back to sleep, so I played a little WoW, and after saving Winter Veil (aka Christmas in Azeroth) for the 15th day in a row, I decided to try to find something a little bit more productive with my time... So I got on StumbleUpon, as that is the HEIGHT of productivity.  I know you're thinking, "But Kat, aren't you a redditor?"  And yes, I am, but everyone once in a while, I like to just look at funny pictures of Cats wearing shoes without all the negative commentary that Reddit brings to anyone who has an opinion.

Anywho, so I'm stumblin', and I come to not one, not two, but three articles in a row about improving your love life.  All three articles were written at different times, by different people, who I am assuming living in different parts of the country... but yet, once you boiled it down, it was essentially the same generic advice.  And let me tell you something, most of that so called advice?  Crock. Of. Shit.

If you want a successful relationship, you can't rely on advice from someone who's never met you, or your partner, and who doesn't know your struggles and your story.  Sure, there are some universal rules for success, like communication, but this "Spend one night a week focusing on your partner" crap irks me.   Every relationship is different, and some couples like to spend a lot of time together, and others like to do their own thing.  Just because you don't follow this article's advice doesn't mean your relationship is going to fail.  You and your partner decide that.

I've said it time and time again, the cornerstone of ANY relationship, romantic or otherwise, is good communication.  Being able to speak your mind clearly and concisely is a skill few people possess and even fewer exercise, which is why we have so many problems these days.  I'm guilty of it.  I get upset with Boyfriend sometimes and don't know how to communicate it to him.  Other times, I get upset about other things and don't know how to communicate THAT to him.  But when we DO talk things out, we resolve them so much faster... but that's about the only specific advice I can give to ANY couple without knowing their story.

I know I may seem a bit hypocritical, since I answer reader questions about dating all the time in "Ask Kat", but that's slightly different.  Those are specific examples of very specific problems.  I may not know the person, and I don't presume that I can fix all their problems.  I can only tell them what I would do if I were them.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

The bottom line is, all this "keep the romance in your relationship by doing ____" isn't helping anyone but the sales team at Cosmo magazine.  You write your own love story, and unless the person writing the article knows you, don't worry if your relationship isn't what they say it should be... and even if they do know you, I still wouldn't worry.  Your love is your business.

My Favorite Christmas Movies that Have Nothing to Do With Christmas (and a *little* make up monday)

Happy Boxing Day, Lovelies...

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season...

Every year, over the holidays I watch several movies that have very little to do with Christmas... Even though they are more or less set in the Christmas Season.

1. Die Hard
Set during Christmas in LA, the story of a group of thieves posing as a group of terrorists in order to rob a wealthy Japanese company was Bruce Willis's big screen break.  You know the story.  They have his wife, but they didn't count on John McClane.  He kicks all their asses and saves the day.  Bonus points because his partner is Carl Winslow.

2. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
The title was kind of dumb, and the plot of the movie was even more unbelievable than the last, but John McClane is going to stop those terrorists from fucking up his Christmas and blowing up his wife.

3. Batman Returns
Evil Business Men and Deformed Danny DeVito?  No problem for my favorite batman, Michael Keaton.  Oh, but the Catwoman might be an issue, since she's both the thorn in his side and his lady love.

4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
"Yer a wizard, Harry."  Even though the main back drop of this movie isn't Christmas, the movie still has a really Christmasy feel to it, to me.

5. Look Who's Talking Now
 First it was babies, now it's dogs. Oh those silly dogs! Saving Kirstie Alley and that kid from 7th Heaven (or was he on 2nd Noah?  doesn't matter, he's irrelevant now) from the wolves... and saving John Travolta from a wealthy British woman who wants to make all his wildest dreams come true!

And because no Monday would be complete without a little of this:

Gold is really the IT color right now, and I'm loving it, because it's so festive.  Moose got me this really great make up set for Christmas and it had a TON of golds and bronzes to work with.  Thanks boo-boo!

More Tutorials in the new year!

Cynical Christmas Mathematics!

Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas, one and all!

When I was a kid, I figured out pretty early on that there was no Santa Claus.  Cause I'm clever.  And because my biological father was a piece of shit, but I prefer to focus on the fact that I'm clever.

It's simple math.

There are 2.1 billion Christians in the world.  Let's round that up to 2.5 billion to account for people who don't attend church or have religious affiliations, but still like the holiday enough to celebrate it. (Like moi), but who don't live in cultures that don't believe in Mr. Kringle.

Assuming that at least a billion of them are children under the age of say, 18 (which is pretty high for still believing in Santa, I'll admit), that's still not only a lot of presents (plus an overweight old geezer) for "eight tiny reindeer" to carry, you have to assume that this Santa character has some type of advanced technology that allows him to alter the laws of time and space.

It is physically impossible for someone to circumnavigate the globe in less than 20 hours (unless you're using a Military Jet, then you're looking at about 10-12 hours, or the Space Shuttle, which could do it in about 90 minutes), and that's without stopping.   Santa is making roughly 9,000,000+ stops in one night?  While carrying a billion + presents?  Even factoring in time differences, ONE SINGLE OVERWEIGHT SENIOR CITIZEN could not possibly handle that work load in one night.  Hell, Federal Express can't even handle it and they have thousands of employees.

Impossible, even six year old me could figure that out.

Then you have to take into account that Santa is utilizing slave labor.  I mean, how can he possibly afford to pay Elves to build his toys?  How does he pay for the raw materials?  How does he pay his TAXES?
The whole operation is hemorrhaging money!

...and does the fact that this guy habitually breaks-and-enters bother no one else?  Or that he stalks little children all year long and arbitrarily decides who's naughty or nice? What is his criteria, anyway?  And who decided HE gets to deem what behavior is acceptable?

Yes, I was a very cynical child, even in the beginning.

My family celebrates Christmas on the 24th, so I've all ready had my Christmas with them.  My parents got me a chill mat for my laptop,  "The Princess Bride" by William Goldman, "A Feast for Crows" and "A Game Of Thrones" by George R. R. Martin.  Pretty sweet gifts :-)

  I hope that your Christmas / Holiday is Merry, and joyful, and full of people who are... not like me. :-)  Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, all!

Flick Pick Friday: Movies I'm Looking Forward to in 2012

In No Particular Order:

The Expendables 2: Trailer (August 17th, 2012)

Not that I honestly expect this movie to ever live up to Die Hard, Rocky, or The Terminator, (or even the first Expendables not matter how low that's setting the bar) some of my favorite veteran action stars are making an appearance... Including... That's Right.  DOLPH!  I love me some Dolph, even now that the man is like, 60.  He's still a hot piece.

It's a shame they couldn't get Harrison Ford, Jackie Chan and Sean Connery out of the ground for this flick.  That would have been completely bad ass.  Though, then it would have been a bit more like The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.

The Dark Knight Rises: Trailer (July 20th, 2012)
As a long time Batman Fan Girl, the final installment of the Nolan Re-boot comes with a mixture of sadness (not of Harry Potter proportions, but still, a little sad) and anticipation.  The film has big shoes to fill in the wake of The Dark Knight, most notably the performance of the late Heath Ledger as the Joker, but Nolan rarely disappoints.

However lithe and gorgeous Anne Hathaway may be, though, I have trouble envisioning her as any type of villain, even Cat Woman.  I'm not saying she can't do it, but I have trouble imaging it.  Anything would be better than Halle Berry's god awful attempt.

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II (November 16th, 2012)
Yeah.  The only reason I'm looking forward to this is so all the Twilight shit will finally be over.  The books were okay, but why are we will still making movies?  Kristen Stewart can't act, Robert Pattinson can't outshine (no matter how much he sparkles) REAL vampires like, say, Gary Oldman or Brad Pitt... and Taylor Lautner looks like a llama.

Les Miserables, (December 7th, 2012)
I dreamed a dream... that movie-musicals would be revived, although with Burlesque I kind of lost hope... and that's saying a LOT since I love Cher (though I did like "You haven't Seen The Last of Me")... But I have always loved Les Mis, it's probably one of my favorite musicals of all time... and I LOVE musicals.  Hugh Jackman takes the role of Valjean, with Russell Crowe as the contemptuous Javier.  Anne Hathaway, whom I originally thought would be playing Cosette is cast as Fantine.  No word on Wiki or IMDB who will be playing Cosette, but it is rumored that Sascha Baron Cohen and your best friend and mine (ugh) Helena Bonham Carter will be playing the Thénardiers.

Who would I like to see cast as Cosette?  Anyone but Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (December 14th, 2012)
I wrote about The Hobbit yesterday, so it's no surprise it made the list.  Sir Ian McKellan, Andy Serkes, Hugo Weaving, Christopher Lee, Ian Holm, Cate Blanchette, Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom reprise their respective roles from The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  There are more Dwarves this time around, though.

The first part of the two-part movie is schedule to hit theaters next year, but the first trailer aired earlier this week, and all ready fan boys are making love to their Gandalf bedsheets.  Hell, I'm no different.  I effing love Lord of the Rings.

Myyyyyyyy preccccccccioussssssssss.

The Amazing Spider-man, (May 2, 2012)
The reboot's reboot, plans for TASM began almost as soon as Spider-Man's cancellation was official.  Based on the Comic series of the same name, we follow Peter Parker on his mission to discover who he really is.

Though I've always been a D.C. Comics girl over Marvel, I do like Spider-Man.  I've never heard of Andrew Garfield, though, so I'm not sure what he'll be like as a Spider-Man.  Emma Stone is not playing Mary Jane Watson, like I thought she would when I heard they were casting her in TASM, but rather Gwen Stacy.

All in all, it'll still be better than Spider-Man 3.

First Trailer for "The Hobbit" hits the internets...

Anyone who has spent any time in the J.R.R. Tolkien Legandarium knows the story of Bilbo and The One Ring, but unless they've read the Hobbit, they don't truly know the tale of adventure that brought Bilbo and Gandalf together.

This first trailer for the first part of "The Hobbit" (the story is being split into two movies) hit the internets a few days ago and Fan Boys and Girls alike  are a buzz with comments and criticisms about the trailer.

So far, the general consensus seems to be that people are happy the Songs are being included in the story (I, myself, got goosebumps when hearing them), and that the effects and cinematography look amazing, but since this is Peter Jackson we're talking about, that should come as no surprise.

I am very much looking forward to the film myself, though if I may offer one criticism, there is a moment in the trailer where Galadriel touches Gandalf's face/hair.  This is indicative of a tender moment between the two.  I'm hoping that she is just reassuring Gandalf of something, and its not some sort of contrived effort for a romance between the two.  

Since this exchange does not happen in the books, I can't comment on what the motivation behind including it in the trailer might be.

I had the thought that it might be nothing, but the cutting room included it as a sort of teaser, perhaps to tempt girlfriends and wives of fanboys to come along to see it because of a "romance aspect".  Either way, I hope that Mr. Jackson didn't go making up love stories, because frankly, I can't see what purpose it would serve to the story.

What are you thoughts on the trailer, Dearest Ones?

The Great "Happy Holidays" Debate

As an agnostic, I'm sure it comes to no big surprise to my readers that I really don't give a flying rat's ass whether you wish me Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas.  I have never, and will never, get upset because one phrase over another was used to wish me some kind of joy, or good juju.  Because that's basically what the speaker is doing-- They want you to have a good season.  That's the long and short of it.

Don't you think it's a little ridiculous to get angry over that?  I do.  But then again, I've always been prone to the most rational of thinking.  Right?

Don't answer that.

Putting aside that fact that Christmas and New Year's fall within a week of one another (so yes, that would make "Happy Holidays" the shorter version of "Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!", not everyone on the planet celebrates Christmas.

Hanuka is probably the second Holiday that comes to mind when you think of December, but there's also Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day, Guru Gobind Singh's Birthday celebrated by those of the Sikh faith in early January, and Eid-ul-Adha, the most important feast of Islam, is also in January. Diwali (celebrated by those of the Hindu faith) and Ramadan (celebrated by followers of the Muslim faith) also occur in the fall / winter.  As you can plainly see, there are a lot of holidays at the end of the year... As well as my birthday, which is December 27th... and will some day be a national holiday.

There are many different cultures around the world, and most do not celebrate Christmas.  That's pretty much just a Christian thing... and those who aren't christian, but like free stuff (me).

The thing is, though, it seems to me that people get a little bit too caught up in what we're saying, rather than the meaning behind it.

Boyfriend works with the public, and his company has instructed him to say "Happy Holidays", because they would like to extend well wishes to people of all faiths, religions and creeds.  So, at least once a day, Boyfriend gets lectured by some ridiculously uptight person that he (as if he alone is responsible for the moral bankruptcy of the world, no less) is taking "The Christ out of Christmas."

I get it.  You love Jesus, but you know, not everyone loves him the same way you to.  I always find it so ironic that one of the lessons that was drilled into my head over and over again  in bible school was tolerance, and yet some (not all!!) of the Christians I've come in contact with are the most intolerant people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.

I told him to just start telling people he was Jewish when they got in his face about saying Happy Holidays.  Cause I'm the best, most supportive girlfriend, ever.

Now, I'm not saying we should remove all traces of Christmas from the holiday season, that's not what I'm saying at all.  Put out your nativity scenes and your giant candles... But don't get all bent out of shape because of the nomenclature.

At the same time, don't get angry because someone wishes you a Merry Christmas instead of knowing what specific faith you subscribe to.  It ain't always immediately obvious, you know... unless you're walking around wearing a Yarmulke and a Star of David Sweater.

The bottom line is, someone took time from their day, even if it is only a second, to bestow upon you wishes for joy and happiness.  Take it, be thankful, and respect ALL faiths, Christianity, Judaism, Muslim, etc.

Let the Jesus people have their Christmas Trees, and Jews their Menorahs... don't get your knickers in a twist because a business has a holiday display that is a different faith than you are.  They aren't trying to offend you, they're simply trying to celebrate their own way of life.

And Here's some Foamy for you:

And then they parked in the lot, and ate their food!

I forgot my lunch before work tonight, I stopped at the McDonald's down the road from my house for some chicken nuggets.

I always make sure I know what I want, because I remember what it was like when I was in school, working in the Arby's Drive Thru.  The people who would hold up the line for what felt like an hour, deciding what they wanted.

My philosophy on that is, if you don't know what you want, and you are able bodied, and the lobby is open, go inside.  If you're not in too much of a hurry to hold up the line, then you're not in too much of a hurry to go inside.

Tonight, I was stuck behind a family (I assume) of people in a PT Cruiser.  My window was open, so I heard the exchange between them, and the poor employee (who speaks English as a second, or possibly third language, but was doing pretty well with it):

Employee: Welcome to McDonald's Drive Thru, may I help you?

Customer: Hold on! HOLD ON!

Employee: Let me know when you are ready.

Customer: What you all want?  No they ain't got that.  What?  (yelling out the window) Hey! Hey yo!  Yo!  you there?  Yo, HELLO!

Employee: Just one moment please.

Customer: I want a number six.  but not the combo, just the sandwich.  You still got that special? (or something like that.  The employee doesn't answer right away.  I'm assuming he went to help someone in the lobby or something.) YO!  Yo! you there?

The next five minutes were spent with the customer asking questions that could have been answered if he had taken a cursory glance at the menu; you know, how much this item cost, or if they still had that item (which was featured prominently in the middle of the menu board), punctuated by long pauses.  All in all, I was behind this asshole for 13 minutes.

Why didn't I just go somewhere else?

You see, on a normal night, I allow myself 10 extra minutes to get to work.  It takes me 20 minutes to drive 9 miles, between stop lights and speed limits and all.  So I give myself a half hour.  McDonald's is the only place between my house and my work except subway, 7-11 and Royal Farms, none of which have drive thrus.  I don't like leaving my vehicle at night.  Partially because the area where these places are located aren't very nice, partially because at 10:30 pm on a week night, there aren't a lot of people out who aren't up to at least a little "no good" and partially because I'm carrying my laptop and several other expensive items I don't want to leave in the car unattended, even for a few minutes.

If I had known I was going to be stopping for food earlier, I would have given myself more time, because McDonald's isn't my first choice... but I only had that ten extra minutes.  There wasn't enough time to go somewhere else, especially since I was all ready pressed for time as it was.  I knew I could cut about five minutes off my time if I drove a little over the speed limit once I hit the highway, but I wasn't about to push it beyond that.

So there I am, stuck behind this rude jerk who doesn't seem to understand that no only is he holding things up for the hungry folk behind him, but he's also messing with the Employee's money.

You guys didn't know that, did you?

You see, if McDonald's is anything like Arby's, (and I'm betting they are), their drive thru services are timed.    A person's raise would depend on their drive through times.  Even the time you spend ordering is included in the time, so by taking this ridiculously long time to order, this customer is bringing this guy's entire average for the night down.

When I got to the window, the hispanic employee politely told me I would have to wait a few minutes for fresh fries, and took my money.  I watched the guy who had been in front of me pull into a parking space, and being to eat his food.  Right there, in the parking lot.

Maybe he was handicapped, and couldn't walk.  Or maybe he was just a selfish jerk.  Either way, I made it to work at 10:59.

So I implore you, the indecisive, the special orderers of the world, if you can walk, and you don't know what you want, or you have a complicated order, that's more than just "no onions"... Please go inside.  As a veteran of the fast food industry, and now as a customer, I am begging you think of others.

Make Up Monday: Holiday Glow

The Holidays are here, the Holidays are here!

Whether you're looking for something to rock to a New Years Eve party,  a work event, or even just something to pop in those family pictures for Christmas, glowing skin is a must have.

Glowing skin will make you photo ready, and it's the perfect back drop for any make up you make want to do on your eyes and lips, or if you want to do something simple, it looks natural and healthy.

Before you get to work on your make up, make sure you check out my tips and tricks post.

As always, please remember that I am not a professional, and have had no formal training.  I do this for fun, and I don't know everything about make up.  If you have a better way to do it, please feel free to share with my readers :-)

Note: I didn't blend the make up on my neck the way I would if I were going out, mostly to save time for myself.

I'm still working on trying to get into a rhythm for these videos.  Hopefully I'll find mine soon!

List of Products:

Nivea Soft for Face and Body (lotion)

Physician's Formula Green Concealer (blemish)

Rimmel Hide the blemish beige concealer (under eye)

NYC Liquid Foundation (Coverage)

Mary Kate and Ashley Sequin Dust (for hi-lighting)

Hard Candy Glow All the Way Liquid Bronzer (for Hi-lighting)

Physician's Formula Powder Bronzer (for Contouring)

NYC Color Wheel Mosaic Face Powder (blush)

The Color Workshop Eyebrow Cake in Brown (eye brows)

The Color Workshop Mascara in Brown (lashes)

The Color Workshop Lip Pencil in Red (lip liner)

The Color Workshop Lip Stick in pink (lip filler)

Lip Licious (I think I said Lip Luscious, but its licious) in Fruit Punch (lip gloss)

Fiction Friday: A Preview of "High Heels & Hangovers"

When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry Elton John. That was the first of many hard lessons I would learn about men.

"You haven’t been out of the house in days.”
 “Brush your hair.”
 “Wash your face.”
 “No! NO SWEATS!”

 My bedroom was a flaming fury of homosexuality, I mused as a pair of fluid hands grabbed a brush from the dresser and tore it through my knotted hair.

 The door bell had rung two hours earlier, and when I finally motivated myself to get off the couch and answer it, I had been greeted by my very own fab-threesome.

 “We are going out. Tonight.” Jake, my younger brother, had asserted, dragging me up the stairs.
 “And you’re going to have a good time. Or else.” my best friend, Kyle, added.
 “Yeah, there’s nothing quite like forced merriment.” I responded as my other best friend, Ryan, came at me like a menacing ballerina, armed with tweezers.
 “These eye brows are a hot mess.” He said in a disgusted tone.
 “Hot mess accurately describes my life at this particular moment, in case you haven’t noticed.”
 “Yes, we've all read your blog. You’re quite the tragic hero.” Jake muttered. “Mom told me to tell you to stop being melodramatic.”
 “Tell mom-”
 “Good lord woman!” Ryan said, grabbing my chin and yanking my head back towards him. “I’ve had sex in cars that were not half as big as these pores.”
 “You’re not making me feel better.” I grumbled.
 “Where are your boob shirts?” Kyle said, throwing open the closet door with a flourish, that really, only a gay man can do.
 “In the back. With my pride.”
 “Oh will you stop it!” Jake said, yanking a particularly painful knot free. “You make me sick.”
 “Good, then let’s forget this whole exercise, and I’ll go back to watching re-runs of the Jersey Shore, and you three can go pick up dudes at the beach.”
 “I refuse to allow you watch that train wreck.” Ryan returned, applying cool lotion to my face with a gentle hand. “It kills brain cells.”
 “I think my brain could do with a few less thoughts.”
 “If I hear one more negative thing come out of your mouth tonight, I’m telling mom where you keep your dildo.”
 “I’ll tell her where you keep yours.”
 “Touche, whore.” He responded.
 “Not a masterpiece, but an improvement, nonetheless.” Kyle appraised me, returning from the depths of my huge walk in closet. He had in his hands a short red dress I had only worn once before, with tragic consequences.
 “Not the red one.” Ryan said quickly. He grabbed the hanger, and disappeared in the closet. I heard him flicking hangers across the rack, and muttering to himself.
 “Ah-ha!” He exclaimed, returning with a deep blue silk dress that still had the tags on it. “I knew you’d go back and buy it… now’s the time to wear it.”
 “She needs shoes!” Jake squealed.
 “These!” Kyle said, gleefully, holding up a pair of black gladiator sandals.
 “My fairy god queers.” I grumbled. “
"Oh hush… you love us.” Ryan said.
 “In small doses.”  I smiled in spite of myself.
 “Go put on some clean panties. It’s club time!” He said, pushing me in to the bathroom.

I washed my face in the toothpaste stained sink, and took a good long look at my reflection.  I was average in just about every sense of the word.  I had an average face, average hair, and an average body.  There was nothing that set me apart from any other brown eyed, brunette twenty-something.  I suppose that being average is better than being ugly, but in the constant ebb and flow of life, I felt like more often that not, I was ebbed and flowed right on out of mind.

I supposed I should have started with: "Once upon a time, there was a funny, intelligent, semi-attractive twenty-something woman."

Have you ever noticed that fairy tales never start out that way? It’s always “A beautiful princess” or a “poor, but beautiful maiden.” And the ugly folk in the story are always assholes? Why is that? My theory is that pretty people are the ones writing the fairy tales, and they are over compensating for being idiots and assholes.

 I guess that the perfect blonds with tiny waists and perfect bosoms are the only ones who get happy endings. Well, them, and the business men who frequent that shady massage parlor on Oakland Avenue. I digress, I was about to tell you a story:

 Once upon a time, there a funny, intelligent, semi-attractive twenty-something woman. Who liked to drink.

Make Up Monday: Leona Lewis Inspired Look

Make up Monday is back!

My rash/allergic reaction is finally clearing up, but I still don't feel 100% confidant about going on camera... Although, Sunday nights at work have been a little slow as of late, so I have had a bit more time to play around with looks...  Perhaps soon, I'll be able to go camera... We'll see... But!  Best of all? my early birthday gift to myself came:  A new set of make up brushes!

Source Page

Some people would call this look a "Smokey Eye", but that's not really the true name for it.  This is more of a gradient Eye Shadow.

I really like this look, because it's incredibly versatile, and I think that it's a great "winter time look".  It translates well from office parties to social gatherings to family events, both formal and in-formal.

Before you proceed, you should read my Tips and Tricks post.

I'm still not very good at doing tutorials, and I'm still not feeling 100%, but I wanted to post something for this new segment... I'm a big fan of Lauren Luke (aka Panacea81 on YouTube) and her work, so here is her tutorial for Leona Lewis's "I Got You" look.

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Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!
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Really, please don't make commentary about my vagina, or any vagina accessories...

I know my friends who work in retail are probably going to take offense to this, but it's something that has bugged me for a long time...

I hate it when I'm at Wal-Mart or some where similar, and the cashiers, who rotate just like those little carousels the plastic bags they are handing me hang on, and will never see me again, feel the need to make chit chat with me based on what I'm buying.

Specifically, when I'm buying anything that has to be in close proximity to my vagina.

I mean, if I'm buying eye liner, or a CD, I don't really mind so much.  I'd venture to say I don't really mind at all, because stuff like that is normal.  You can comment on the shade of nail polish I'm buying if you like it... but there's a line, and I really wish some cashiers would stop crossing it.

Anything related to the vagina -- Condoms, Lube, Pregnancy Tests, Yeast infection medication -- should not be commented on.

Any grown woman who has been sexually active for a while has probably bought a pregnancy test or two in her life.  Not so long ago, I was buying one and the cashier picked it up, smiled the shittiest of all shit-eating-grins and said "Uh-oh, is that for you?"

Lady, what is possibly going on in my uterus is NO BUSINESS OF YOURS.  If it wouldn't take 4-6 weeks to get a pregnancy test on amazon.com delivered to my house, I'd probably go that route just to avoid this potentially annoying situation.  BUT SHE DIDN'T STOP THERE.

She said "Would it be your first? Was it planned?  Are you excited?"  Uhh, excuse me?  I missed the part where you're H-Woww and I tell you everything.  I really wish our Wal-Mart had self check out.

Another time, I was buying a bra at the same store, and the cashier actually stroked the cup and said "Niiiice."  Yes, it's a nice material, but now I never want to wear it.

I guess it's back to shopping at K-Mart.

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Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!
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Happy Holidays, You Bastard.

I'm sure I won't win any friends or influence any people with this post, but there is something that starts bugging me every year around this time.  That something would be "The Holiday Season."

Don't get me wrong; I like Christmas as much as the next person... But like anything else, Society has a way of royally fucking it up, making it no fun, and basically ruining it for everyone.

There are a laundry list of things I hate about this holiday season, and it grows longer every year:

1. It starts Earlier And Earlier every year.
   The local radio station started playing Christmas music right after Halloween this year.  Come on, people.  I know you're excited about it and all, but lets wait until after Thanksgiving, okay?
2. Every mediocre pop persona in the world feels the need to put out a Christmas/Holiday Album as some point in their career.
   You will never be able to top Bing Crosby's White Christmas.  Ever.
   This year, Justin Bieber is putting out a Christmas Album.  Someone please give me a chopstick which I can jam in my ear canal so that I may not ever have to hear him trying to outdo the Jackson Five's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
   Every once in a GREAT WHILE, a really great new Christmas song comes along... but for the most part, nothing (in my mind, at least) will ever top the classics.  And if I hear "The Christmas Shoes"  one more time this year, I am going to murder someone.
3. Vapid Holiday Specials
   Every year, ABC Family and Lifetime conspire to make us all feel guilty about how warm and cozy our lives are by depicting some made-for-TV movie about a lonely spinster or orphan, played by someone who once had a supporting role on a second rate sitcom.  Or worse, they attempt to make some tacky comedy with hijinx that will never live up to the legacy of the first two "Home Alone" films.  It's contrived.  Please play the Aforementioned "Home Alone" films, "A Charlie Brown Christmas", "Miracle on 34th Street", "It's a Wonderful Life", "A Christmas Story", "Frosty the Snowman", "Rudolph" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and stop there.  Pls. K. Thx.
4. The Happy Holidays / Merry Christmas debate.
   A lot of people I know get mad because people say "Happy Holidays"... They go all "Jesus is the reason we celebrate! Don't take the Christ out of Christmas!"  Yeah?  NOT EVERYONE CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE. We've got Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Jehovah's Witnesses who don't celebrate anything...  I don't get what's so offensive about wishing ALL (Well, except maybe the Jehovah's Witnesses...) of those people a pleasant holiday... And at the same time, if someone says "Merry Christmas!" to me, I don't get mad, either.  There are much more important things to worry about than what the clerk at Lowe's said to you.
5. The Entitlement.
   Like I said, I love getting presents as much as the next person, but I don't expect anyone to get me anything in return.  If I could, I would give everyone I know a Christmas present, but I simply can't afford it.  I really wanted to get something nice for my boyfriend's whole family, particularly his sisters, but I simply can't afford it.  So, I understand that my friends are probably in the same boat.  No one has to get me anything for Christmas.. but if anyone really wants to, maybe you guys can all chip in for this.
   No, what I mean is... People have come to expect so much from the people in their lives, and they get so mad when the gifts don't live up to their expectations.  The economy sucks.  Be happy they thought of you at all...  And teach your kids to be humble... none of this "I want, I want, I want" bullshit.  
6. The Maddening Crowds.
   Every year, I read about someone who got trampled or pepper sprayed trying to get the best deal on the new iPod-Sync'ed-Tickle-Me-Justin-Bieber-Doll.  It is ridiculous how people turn into such animals to save a few dollars on things they don't really need.  I shop online.  I also use my connections to get discounts for services and stuff, but I know a lot of people can't do that.  I mean, not everyone has a best friend who runs a bar/restaurant, another friend who gets you ridiculous discounts on clothing, and a third who is a licensed massage therapist... not to mention all the other business owners and bartenders I know...  But that aside, shopping online is a great way to save money... and avoid personal injury.
7. Gaudy Decorations.
    Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas Decorations.  LOVE THEM... though, admittedly, if it were up to me to put them up every year, we wouldn't have any.  I'm too damned lazy.  But that's another topic... I'm talking about the hideously gauche displays some people put up:

This is just ridiculous.
Source.

• Mismatched lights.  I really hate it when people have different kinds of lights on the same tree or on the house.  Or when they have one strand of blinking white lights and a strand of multi-colored lights.
• All Blue (Blue, really?) Lights/Non Christmas lights (neon pink, purple).  I get that some people like that sort of thing, but I don't.  And I'm judging you.
• 500000000 plastic candy canes, 15 snowmen, a nativity scene, giant plastic candles, and a blow up snow-globe... on a 30x30 yard.

So, this Holiday Season, I implore you: Don't be a dick, Don't Use Pepper Spray, and don't make your house look like you're trying to land a plane on your front lawn.



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Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!
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Ask Kat: Dating 101

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am entirely unaware as to why readers write in with relationship questions -- I am, if anything, the poster child for what NOT to do in a relationship, but they do.

I guess it's because I won't sugar coat things.  I'll tell you if you're being a fuck up.  And let me tell you something: Most of you are fucking it up.

Until very recently, I was pretty much unhappy no matter what I did in regards to my dating life.  I was miserable alone, I was miserable with boyfriends (and subsequently making them miserable), and it took me a long time to realize that just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean all the problems you're facing in the rest of your life are going to automatically go away.

Step one: Fix yourself.

I know that seems like a bitchy thing to say, especially since I'm always going on about self acceptance and learning to love people the way they are.  Let me clarify: There are things about yourself that you have the power to change.  It's up to you whether or not you want to.  If you do, great.  If you don't, great.  But understand your willingness to fix these things can help or hinder your overall happiness, and thus, hinder any chance you have at a relationship.

If you're depressed, focus on figuring what, exactly is making you depressed. Find the root of your problems before you burden someone else with them.

Step Two: Understand what you want.

Relationships are built on compromise.  People who are unwilling to compromise are people who will ultimately end up alone.  So, I propose you make a list of 10 things you think you absolutely have to have in a partner. If you can find someone who embodies all 10 of those things, I will give you the rights to this blog.  Cross at least three things off your list.  I'm not saying you have to settle, I'm saying you have to understand that no one on this earth is perfect, and sometimes, you need to reevaluate certain things.

Step Three: You're not going to like this one.

Attractiveness is great ... but it fades.  Your best bet, and I've been told this many times by people in my life, is to find someone you can talk to.  I'm not saying go out and find the ugliest person you can, and strike up a conversation with them.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone attractive, nothing at all.  I'm simply saying, don't date someone just because they are attractive.  The grade school adage holds true: Looks are only skin deep.  The better you can communicate with someone, the happier you will be.  If it so happens you meet someone who is great looking AND you can talk to them, then I am very happy for you.  And secretly a little jealous.

Step Four: Communicate Often.

The beginning of a relationship is often passion and excitement as you court one another and dance around the bigger, deeper issues.  When the levity fades, and things begin to get real, a lot of people forget one simple thing:  Talking to your partner is going to make all the difference in the world.  When something bothers you, say so.  I'm talking to men AND women here.  Avoiding a confrontation is only going to make it worse.  And, at the same time, when something makes you happy, tell your partner.  Never forget how important keeping the lines of communication open can be.  And when your partner tries to tell you something, no matter how silly you may think they are being, listen.  It's considerate.  Listen to what they have to say before you make any decisions.

And, finally...

Step Five: Don't be afraid.

Fear is a big problem I face in my current relationship.  I've had so many BAD relationships (almost-ships, whatever) that I was almost scared to start dating again.  When I met my boyfriend, I took one look at him and wanted the run the other way... not because he's scary looking, but because I could see myself falling in love with him, staying with him... and it was fucking terrifying for me. I think that the problems we have (however few they may be) stem from insecurity... I spent a lot of time constantly afraid to let my guard down, afraid he was going to leave me because of some stupid little reason.  It's hard to be genuine when you're scared.  Let the chips falls where they may.

One last piece of advice: Don't be with someone just to avoid being alone, either.  That's never the answer.  Being alone is okay, because if you're with the wrong person, you might miss the right person when they come along :-)

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Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!
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