Kat Storm's Guide to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Style

Ten Types of Friends You're Not Sure Why You Have

2012-02-10T05:47:00.002-05:00

We all have different group dynamics within our social circles. But I'm willing to bet you have at least one friend you have no idea why you have. Maybe you grew up together and it's just easier to be friends than it is to move on... or maybe you keep them around to feel better about yourself. Whatever the reason, you sometimes find yourself wondering why. I've been unfortunate enough to BE one (or all) of those friends to some people, and I've HAD some of these friends. Some of these traits tend to over lap, I've noticed.

1. The "Absentee Friend". You never see each other. You never hang out, and when you do manage to catch them, they spend the entire time on their phone, texting and tweeting. They only stay for a little while before rushing off to do something else... Effectively making you feel like you're not interesting enough for them... but you've been friends for years, so you let their behavior slide while passive aggressively texting another friend about them.

2. The "Compulsive Liar Friend". Everything this person says stinks of over exaggeration. It's like, they don't know how to have a conversation with you without trying to make you feel like your life is diddly squat compared to theirs. It doesn't do any good to point out when you catch them in a lie, either, because they'll just try to worm their way out of it.

3. The "It's Not My Fault Friend". Whether it be ruining your jacket they borrowed, or forgetting to pick you up from work when your car is in the shop, nothing is ever this person's fault. Nothing. They have a million and one excuses every time there is a problem. They take responsibility for nothing. They probably are also that compulsive liar friend, too.

4. The "No Matter What, I Can't Get My Ass Anywhere On Time Friend". As an obnoxiously overly punctual person, I hate it when I'm late. I try to make it a practice to show up every where at LEAST ten minutes earlier. So when someone shows up late for a meeting, a date, or to work, I take it as a slap in the face. I know sometimes things happen, but when it becomes routine, I get really insulted. I hate waiting for people. I have a couple of friends that I will actually tell to be somewhere 45 minutes before I actually plan to show up, and sometimes, I am STILL waiting for them. *cough*Foxy*cough*. I mean, buy a watch. Bonus points if they always have an excuse for being late. (See #3)

5. The "Push Over Friend". This person has no backbone and won't argue with anything you say. While it sounds like a good idea in theory, the "What do you want to do?" "I dunno, what do you want to do?" Gets old.

6. The "Shit Stirrer Friend". This person loves drama. They start crap (intentionally or unintentionally) by saying things. Planting seeds. A favorite example of mine is that a few months back, the Juggernaut and I were talking about a girl he knows and he says "Yeah, she doesn't like you." Well, I had met her once, for about five minutes, so I thought that was a rather harsh judgment. Later he admitted she never actually said that, but that he just assumed she wouldn't like me because we both have such strong personalities. Kind of makes me wonder what he says about me when I'm not around.

7. The "I'm Bored Friend". No matter what, it's not enough for this person. I'm a relatively low key kind of girl. I'm not a big dancer or drinker (hey hey hey, ANYMORE!), I prefer to sit in a booth and talk to a couple of good friends rather than get Snooki-Making-Out-With-A-Bush wastey pants... but I have a few friends that find that sort of stuff disdainful. Which makes me wonder, if we can't have a good time having a conversation, why are we friends?

8. The "Fair Weather Friend". If things are going good in your life, this person is around 24/7. Maybe you have some extra money and they want to help you spend it. Maybe you have a new connection at a local bar. Or maybe you're just the most fun person ever. When things are good. However, when things get bad, your BFF is nowhere to be found. They can't handle broke you. Or sad you.

9. The "Mario Friend". No matter what you do, this person has ONE UP you. You have a new boyfriend, they have a new boyfriend who's a doctor. Your fantasy team is second in the division, their fantasy team is first place in the league. Every single thing you do, they have to do better.

10. The "User Friend". Whether it be for money, for sex, for the sake of just having someone to do something with... This person doesn't actually care about you. you're their last resort, but by-gum, you're there, and they are going to use you for everything they can. (see also #8)

Now, I don't want any of my friends to get upset, as I didn't write this post with any of you specifically in mind, except for "No Matter How Hard I try I Can't Get My Ass Anywhere On Time". However, I know I have a former friend reading this, and I would like to say to her that yes, several of these points are about you, and that's why we're not friends any more. I'm sure you have your own opinion about what kind of friend I was.

Anyway...

Basically, what I'm saying is, we all have faults, but we should try to recognize how we're treating the people we call our friends. Sometimes, we can be blind to what our actions are really doing and how they affect our social circle. And if you have a friend that you think is taking advantage of you, or isn't giving you the respect you deserve, speak up. Talk to them privately about their behavior. Don't be accusing or defensive, just say "Hey, I know you have stuff going on right now, but I just want you to know it makes me feel really _______ when you _______ ." If they are really your friend, and want to stay your friend, they'll listen. And at the same time, if a friend comes to you and says that, you need to listen. A good friend is hard to find.

Love in a Hopeless Place

2012-02-10T02:26:00.001-05:00

I am a sap.

There is no one sappier than I am, except those Hallmark people.

And maybe Sinead O'Connor...

Your love
Has opened up a world
I've never known
All hope
Was found
A place I never dreamed I would go
Feels like only yesterday
I had locked my heart away
Safe behind a castle of stone
Sure I’d always be alone
Only you know howTo hear me through the silence
You reach a part of me that no one else can see
Forever true there’s only me and only you
Only me and you

Since Valentine's Day is next week, I wanted to take a moment and let you guys in on all the sappiness I've been feeling the last five or so months.

I'm in love. I'm in FUCKING LOVE.

I'm not going to say that I've never been in love before, but I've never been in love like THIS before. I mean, there was whatever you want to call the bullshit I had with J-The-Married-Liar or Psycho Joe. There was belatedly realizing that I loved Justin. There was the bullshit with The Bearded Wonder. And I wouldn't go back and change anything about it. Everything I went through with those guys has taught me to appreciate what I have so much more now.

Boyfriend is amazing guy, and I probably don't deserve him. He's sweet and thoughtful, and puts up with my moodiness, my snapping at him, and my lazy, selfish ass.

I never thought that I would be looking at houses and thinking about getting married one day at this time last year. I thought that, given the way things had just ended with BW that I would be alone forever.

Instead, I spend my spare time looking up recipes to cook for my boyfriend... and a little voice in my head goes: YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND! I have a man I love to cook for! I don't even really mind doing the dishes afterwards, and anyone who has ever lived with me knows just how big of a deal that is.

I spend time looking at houses, day dreaming about what it's going to be like to have a place that is just ours, that we don't share with anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love his sister, but total privacy will be amazing. I fantasize about how I'm going to decorate it, and how we're going to spend lazy Sundays together, curled up with our cats and dog.

I spend time doodling my first name with his last name. Yes, we have resorted to that level of corniness.

And I think about how happy I am to be with him. He came into my life when I felt hopeless and unlovable, and he reminded me that no only am I deserving of love, but that I have so much love to give. He's the one I think I've waited for since I saw Sleeping Beauty. He's my prince, and while he might be in a beat up mustang instead of a white horse, I wouldn't trade him for anything. He came into my life at the exact right moment, and reminded me that love exists, even in the most hopeless of places.

Do you know how hard it is to climb on a soap box in 6 inch heels?

2012-02-07T03:03:00.002-05:00

My first introduction to cross dressing came at the tender age of 6 when I saw "Some Like It Hot" on TV. I remember it quite vividly, because I had never seen anything like it. I grew up mostly under the care of my Grandparents, who were pretty religious people, and didn't get down with that kind of nonsense.

When I was 10 or so, my mother rented "Too Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar" on Pay-Per-View. At the time, I just thought men in dresses were funny, and even complained to my mother "Why are they driving across the country dressed like that if people don't think it's funny? Why didn't they just go dressed as men?"

Because then there wouldn't have been a movie, Katrina!

I digress.

A few years later, when I was entering puberty and experimenting with make up for the first time, I caught The RuPaul Show on VH1. I've previously written about my admiration for RuPaul and her (yes, her) work. Ru is the only person I can think of who is a bigger Diva than I am, except for maybe Miss Piggy. I wonder if Fox would air a reality TV show with the three of us trying to "Out Diva" one another...

I'm getting off topic again.

I had friends in school who did drag. I had one friend that was constantly in drag. Unless he had to work, he was in his heels and wig. And he was a prettier woman than I am.

I think a large part of the reason I'm so interested in drag culture is because I was exposed to it at such a young age, and it just became a part of my life, like having a Jewish Friend or a Black Friend. They're a little different than I am, but they're still awesome.

The fabulous clothes, the wigs, the make up, the glitter, are all things that came later, but for the most part, we tend to accept things more readily the younger we were introduced to them.

Boys in dresses were never a big deal to me.

My boyfriend doesn't come right out and say he has a problem with it, but I get the sense that if ever faced with a Drag Queen, it might make him uncomfortable. I don't know what's going to happen when we have our new house in a few months, because I'm sure there will be three or four drag queens draped over various pieces of furniture every other day, throwing shade and sharing the T.

But that I can deal with. I understand that, like so much else in life, Boyfriend just wasn't exposed to it the way I was. I joke around all the time that he was Amish before I came along.

What I can't deal with, though, are people who think that because someone is a drag queen, or even just gay, that they are disgusting.

And I hear a lot of that whenever I go out with my friends who do drag. And while they take it in stride, it really hurts me to hear the things people say about them.

A common misconception about people who do drag is that they ALL do it because they want to be women. While in some cases, that might be true (like my friend from school), for the most part, Drag Queens are performers. They sing, dance, act, and create characters. They are make up artists, hair stylists, and costume designers... They may put on a wig and heels for the night, but they don't want to live their lives as women.

Via

They aren't freaks. They're playing a role. Many straight actors dress as women all the time, including the Terminator himself, Arnold. That's right. He dressed as a woman. So did Hugo Weaving ( Elrond from Lord of the Rings) Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, Tom Hanks, Tim Curry, and many others. Are they freaks? Well, Tim Curry is.

Another common misconception is that they all get something sexual out of it. Maybe some queens do, but the vast majority just enjoy performing. Like any other actor or actress.

There are those who do it because they enjoy doing hair and make up, or making clothes. There are a million reasons why people do it, but just because they do, doesn't make them something to fear or harass.

But you know that, Dear Reader. That's why you come here... because you are smart enough to know that. I don't need to preach to you. But I can ask you to educate your kids, and expose them to many different things when they are young, so that when they grow up, they can make their own decisions about drag, and other controversial things. Don't teach them to parrot your beliefs... Teach them to create their own... but also teach them to be tolerant of things that are "different."

Maybe in a hundred years, the human race will have finally learned to get along. ...Or we'll have blown ourselves up.

Road Trip: The Blog (Better than the movie, but with less nudity.)

2012-02-05T20:23:00.005-05:00

I firmly believe that it is a right of passage that all young folk must undertake: You must go on a road trip with your friends. If not, you cannot truly say you've lived. Nor can you truly say you know who your true friends are. A true friend will still speak to you after the road trip is over, after you've accidentally peed on their car copping a squat on the side of the road, or gotten them lost because you missed a step in the directions, or they “accidentally” leave you at a gas station in Tulsa.
You also learn a lot about yourself on a road trip, for example, how long you can “hold it” when the nearest rest stop is 115 miles away, and your friend doesn’t want to stop, or just how many 7-11 burritos you can consume before you wish you were dead.
When I was enjoying my frivolous and mostly misspent youth, my two good friends (H-Woww and The Swede) and I embarked on several road trips, but the first will never, ever be forgotten. It was a short one, but eventful nonetheless. We were traveling several hours to see a rock band play at a venue in Washington D.C. with a friend of H-Woww’s younger brother tagging along for the ride. He said he was meeting friends there, and just needed a ride TO the concert.

What followed was a bona fide disaster. I remember it vividly:

During the concert, we somehow got separated. I found H-Woww shortly after the end of the show, and we walked around for a bit looking for Swede. That was when we heard what we just knew must have been gunshots.
Qhen you’re from Smalltown, USA, every loud noise in a big city MUST be a gunshot.
And of course, our immediate though was that Swede must have been shot. Panicky young girls in a strange city.
...It’s funny if you’re anyone but us.
We finally decide to go wait for her at the car. Thankfully, she was there waiting for us.
“Where were you?” H-Woww asked, wide-eyed.
“I threw up. The security guard thought I was pregnant.” Swede grumbled, throwing herself across the backseat.
“Why’d you throw up?”
“From the heat.”
It was then that I realized that Kyle was still missing.
“Do you think he met up with his friends?” I asked.
“I saw him when I was coming out to the car,” came Swede’s muffled voice from the backseat. “I didn’t see anyone with him.”
“Should we wait for him?”H-Woww asked, turning around to look at Swede’s green complexion.
“I don’t know,” I said uncertainly.
After about an hour of sitting in the dark parking lot, alone, in the middle of Washington, D.C., we finally decided to leave. We were tired, hungry and had school in the morning.
If was about the time we pulled out of the parking lot that we realized that we were lost. We had no idea that we couldn’t just flip the directions and go back the way we came. And we got the bright idea that because we took the “inner loop” in, we should take the “outer loop” out.
Fast forward two hours. We’re lost somewhere in Virginia, driving around in circles.. We have no cell phones, no GPS, and no money. Yes, we are geniuses. But you see, this experience taught me something: Never leave the house again.

We stopped a gas station, and couldn’t believe the it had bars over the windows and that you couldn’t actually go inside, you talked to a guy through a little slot. It was like buying a movie ticket. And the guy? Yeah, he didn’t speak English.
“We’re trying to get back to Maryland. Route 50. East!” H-Woww pleaded through the little opening.
“I thought we go west to get home?” Swede hissed to me.
“The sun rises in the east, over the ocean. We live near the ocean. We live east.”
“Oh.” She folded her arms over her chest.
“Do you know how to get to route 50? Maryland?” H-Woww repeated.
“Merry-land? What is Merry-land?” The guy in the window said.
“Where are we right now?”
“Alex-san-dria.” He winked. Why do the guys at the gas station always wink at me?
“Thanks.” H-Woww muttered as we trooped back to the car.
“I’m hungry.” I muttered.
“You’re always hungry.” Swede grumbled.
“Well, lets just go down this street and see if it takes us back to a highway.” I said.
“What if it gets us more lost?”
“Then I guess we’ll have to suck it up and call H-woww's dad.” I stuck my tongue out.
“He’ll never let me go anywhere again.” H-Woww' lamented.
We argued back and forth about which way to for another half an hour before we finally decided on a course of action.
We climbed in the car, drove, literally, half a block, and saw a HUGE ASS SIGN that said “To US 50, Next Right.”
Really? REALLY?!
Yes, really.

When we finally got home, it was an hour after we were supposed to be at school, and H-Woww and I spent the day watching Monster’s Inc. in her bed. Swede went to class late, and we vowed to never plan so poorly again.
However, our next road trip did not go much better, and it was at that point I decided that our alliance must not be repeated on my next trip out of the comfort of Maryland’s familiar Eastern Shore.

Oh, and Kyle? If you’re still in D.C., I’m sorry. I really am. But I wanted a damned taco.

An Open Letter to J.K. Rowling

2012-02-02T23:51:00.000-05:00

Dear J.K. Rowling,

I wish that I could say that I had grown up with your books, and that I had gone with Harry on his magical adventures, or that Hermione had been my role model in school, or that Ron's loyalty was something I aspired to... and Neville had inspired me to be brave. But they didn't.

I was twenty-five when I first read the Harry Potter books. Half Blood Prince was all ready on it's way to DVD before I picked up my first Harry Potter book (a well worn, used copy purchased from E-bay for $3).

I fought the Potter Phenomenon for years. I didn't think the story would be worth my time. I read books like "Lord of the Rings" and "Bag of Bones". I had no time for Children's books.

One of my biggest regrets, at least where Pottermania is concerned, is that it took me so long to give it a chance.

I read the entire series in two (sleepless) weeks. I couldn't put the books down.

You are the type of talent who simultaneously makes me love and hate my decision to be a writer. On the one hand, it makes me appreciate that if I can ever make half the impression on my readers that you made on me, I've done something amazing. On the other hand, it makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to weave that kind of intricate story. Can I ever write characters like Severus and Dumbledore? Can I create a world of magic, and mystery and love?

Though the story of Harry Potter is over, I take your magic with me everywhere I go. The wisdom of Dumbledore's Words, the Bravery of Neville, the love of Lilly, and the perseverance of Harry... Those are qualities I strive to have. I'll never be as smart as Hermione, or as good a mother as Molly. I'll never be as responsible or as serious as Professor McGonagall. I'll never be the Dark Knight that Snape was... but I can be brave, and I can love, and I can fight for the people who mean something to me.

James taught me that I don't have to be a perfect person to do the right thing... and Lily taught me that love can conquer all. Harry taught me that no matter how tired I am, and no matter how hopeless a situation is, I had to see it through to the end. Severus taught me that I should never take anyone for granted, because you may lose them forever with one thoughtless remark. Hermione and Ron taught me to stick beside my true friends. And Dumbledore... he taught me that it does not do to dwell in dreams and forget to live.

I have immersed myself in this secret world, lose myself in the magic of your talent... You made me laugh. You made me cry. You taught me to be a better person. Your words, your inventions, everything you created has suddenly shaped me differently. I can only imagine all that you have done for those who grew up with it.

I read somewhere that if you looked into the Mirror of Erised, you would see your mother, who never got to see you finish Harry Potter. I just know that she would have been so proud of you, because what you have done has shaped a generation, and generations to come because my children will know all about Harry, Ron, and Hermione... but also because you followed your dreams.

When I write, I often ask myself, "WWJD-- What Would Jo Do?" I try so hard to be a tenth or even a twentieth what you are. I admire your strength, your passion, your drive, your determination, and above all your talent. You will have heard this a million times by now, I'm sure, but I am blown away by you. Every time I read the books, which has been more than I care to admit, I am shocked that you were just about my age when you began to write about Hogwarts and The Boy Who Lived.

In a world where the Jersey Shore is one of the highest rated programs on TV and children forgo reading for video games and vapid cartoons, your work brought joy to me and breathed life into my hope for the future. If everyone who reads Harry Potter loves it half as much as I do, we're not doing too badly.

I have never felt so strongly about a series of books as I have about Harry Potter... and I have read a LOT of books... but your books are like Hogwarts... They are my home. I will always come back to them. I love them.

Thank you, Jo, for letting me be a part of the magic.

With Great Admiration,
Kat

Make-Up Monday: How to wear Red Eye Shadow

2012-01-30T00:30:00.000-05:00

Source

A huge trend on Runways and in magazines for the spring collections this year was bold red eye shadow... which is a look most people don't think they can pull off.

Make-up is 50% skill and 50% attitude as I always say. Have confidence in yourself and you can do anything... and that applies to make-up just as much as it applies to anything else.

The first step to rocking red eye shadow is picking shades of red that works with your skin tone. People who are fair skinned with cool complexions (like me) should stick to an orange/browny-red. If you use a pinky-red, this is just going to pick up the red in your skin. The brighter the red, especially the pinky-reds, the more red the rest of your skin will look. Try something like Simga's Reveal Eye shadow. If you have a very dark skin tone, then feel free to find the brightest red out there. I like Inglot's AMC 501 on darker skin. For Olive toned, or people with golden/yellow under tones, try Barry M's Dazzle Dust in Cherry Red 84.

The important thing to remember, especially for those who have a lot of red on their skin naturally is to do a really good job with your concealer. It will make the overall look much cleaner.

With reds, I prefer to work with a loose powder, to have more control over the amount of pigment going on the eye.

Source

If you're using a loose powder, I recommend using a concealer brush, that has rather stiff (but not hard) bristles and a rounded tip, like the one pictured.

For close set eyes, I would recommend using the a darker red on the outer corners (or a rust color for pale skinned folks) and a light color, like pink (darker or golden skin tones) or orange on the inside. Remember if you have close set or small eyes, a dark color all the way across the lid is just going to make them look smaller.

For deep set eyes, I would concentrate the majority of the red pigment in the crease and just above it, with lighter colors on the lid.

For hooded eyes or protruding eyes, a matte shade is best, though I wouldn't recommend this look for either one, as it can make you look a bit Sci-Fi monsterish. If you are really set on wearing red eye shadow, test it out at home first to see how it looks and how it holds up.

Remember, as with any bright color, a little can go a long way.

I always recommend reading my tips and tricks page before trying any new looks.

Aching for more make up? Check out my Make-up Only blog, "The Daily Look"

Bloggettes: Jon Snow - Bastard of Winterfell, Rick Moranis, and Dance Moms

2012-01-26T23:55:00.000-05:00

Dance Moms is one of those shows I wouldn't readily admit to watching last season. Its the same sort of sensationalized made-for-television-drama that I've picked on the Kardashians about mercilessly.

However, I got sucked into it last season when I had a cold and there was literally nothing else on TV.

The Show is Bat Crap Crazy. Kathy is the biggest Guano Bowl.

I mean, I thought Abby Lee was crazy at first... but when we get into the second season, Kathy shows her true colors and she will stop at nothing... to come in 8th place when Abby is coming in first.

Underhanded tactics like putting girls in the wrong age category, using her own daughter as a human prop to be able to enter lower age categories (basically, the actual dancers were much older and thus more experienced, but in order to compete against Abby Lee in a lower age category, she put her daughter in the group dance... sitting there or standing there, like a prop), trying to steal clients, and basically just being a nasty little witch.... Kathy is fucking nuts.

Whatever happened to Rick Moranis? The last thing I remember seeing him in was the Flintstones.

I've mentioned in the past how much I've really been enjoying A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin. I've read the first four books (A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, A Storm of Swords, A Feast for Crows) and started A Dance With Dragons about two weeks ago.

If you are interested in the show, or books, but haven't finished the series (as it stands), you may not want to read below this line, because I'm about to talk about some shit. And by that, I mean there will be spoilers.

I'm not kidding.

If I were Jon Snow, and I was bastard born, and my whole life, people had looked down on me because I was a bastard, the wall might seem like a good idea to me.

However, if a King came along and said "Yo, Jon, here's the dealie... you marry this HOT chick, I legitimize your Bastardy and make your claim to your father's heir legit, you get Winterfell, the title, the money, AND you get to leave this fucking cold ass wall," I might have to take him up on that.

I mean, yes, Jon took a vow, and he seems to be blighted by the same intense system of honor that his father was, but I almost think that in this particular situation, almost anyone would have understood if he had taken Stannis's offer. So what does he do?

He fucking stays on the wall. What the fuck Jon? Your men are going to kill you, and if they don't, The Others will.

Also, I want a dire wolf.

I Get Tired Just Reading the Wikipedia Pages for Extremely Accomplished People

2012-01-24T05:31:00.000-05:00

Although I am a music lover, I am woefully ignorant of how music works.

I mean, I took basic piano lessons. I can play "Adam's Song" by Blink-182, The Forest Gump Theme, Mary Had a Little Lamb and The Imperial March, and somewhere in my house is the Sheet Music to a dozen Avril Lavigne Songs that I could plink my way awkwardly through, but I never was able to really get my right hand and my left hand to play independently from one another. I fooled around with the guitar for years and for a while, I was half way decent (though, admittedly, I greatly exaggerated my skills to friends), but like anything else, if you don't practice it fades away.

I sang in the choir. I can *sort* of read music. Can I pick a "A" note out of thin air? Nope. Do I know the difference between flats and sharps? Not really. I can follow along by ear, I suppose.

What does all that have to do with the title of my post?

I'm glad you asked, dear Reader. I'm glad you asked.

Despite my ignorance of the fine tunings of music (see what I did there?), I still love it. I listen to music constantly. I am that douche bag playing music on their phone.

In fact, one of the things I do to pass the many hours at work that go by without a phone call is look at furniture that I can't afford and fantasizing about where I'd put it in our apartment while listening to instrumental movie sound tracks. Some of my favorites include Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, Superman: The Movie and yes, Star Wars. You may have noticed that those four films were all composed by the amazing John Williams.

John Williams is undoubtedly the creator of some of the most memorable pieces of music written in the last 50 years. His ridiculous amount of talent aside, Williams is one of the busiest men in the music industry. Nominated (beaten only by Walt Fucking Disney) for nearly 50 (45, to be exact) academy award nominations and 5 wins, 20 Grammy Wins, 7 BAFTAs wins, there is no denying that Williams is a musical genius who pours his heart and soul into his creations.

This one man is solely responsible for the soundtrack of my life until I was 12 and realized in order to be cool I'd have to listen to popular music. My Pony. My Saddle's. Waiting. Come on. and. Jump on it. All that. But in my room, secretly, when I was alone... when other girls my age were... I dunno, whatever the fuck "normal" 12 year old girls do, I was listening to John Williams's score for Jurassic Park over and over again. on TAPE. I listened to that thing so many times, I actually wore the tape out.

Anywho, now that I'm a ~~little~~ lot older and realize that popular music is mostly shit (though I do admit to loving Ke$ha, damn her and her dirty face), I can listen to John Williams whenever and where ever I want.

As I was perusing the YouTubes looking for new John Williams material, I thought I'd check out his wikipedia page and see what I was missing. Good. Holy. Fuck.

That man did more in the 90s than I will probably accomplish in my entire life. Moosebutter was right... John Williams is the man:

I suggest a new strategy: let the Wookiee win.

Do you have a favorite composer? Some others I enjoy are Hans Zimmer, James Horner, and Alexandre Desplat. What's your favorite musical score from a movie?

The Hardest Job on Earth

2012-01-20T01:43:00.001-05:00

Recently, I watched Bill Burr's Stand-up Special on Netflix. I'm paraphrasing, but he said something to effect of:

Oprah said "Being a mother is the most difficult job on earth"? Would you rather be drilling to the center of the earth, shaking hands with the devil, every time there's a shudder, you think the whole thing is gonna come crashing down on you, or would you rather be up in the sunshine playing with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed any time you want, on some trumped up charges, cause you wanna watch the 'Price is Right' and have a drink? You're 35 years old and playing hide and seek. You're living the dream! Any job you can do in your pajamas is a cake walk. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth? Yeah, all these mothers are dying of black lung from the coal dust... Man...

Now, I thought the actual quote itself was funny. I made the mistake of posting it on Facebook. I even said "No offense to any of the mothers out there, but I think this quote is hilarious."

Apparently, some people... actually, just one, don't have a sense of humor. Of the 700+ people I am friends with on Facebook, only one person took offense to the post, and of course, her argument was that since I have no children, I'm not qualified to say whether or not being a mother is the hardest job on earth.

Uh... Oprah has no children, either, so by this woman's own logic, Oprah is not qualified to make that assertion.

That point aside, Yes, I have no children. Do I think that being a parent is a hard job? Yes, I do. Do I think it's the hardest job that MOST people will ever have to do? Yes, I do. Do I think it's the hardest job on Earth? No, I don't. I also don't believe that it is the most frustrating job. It's up there, don't get me wrong, but anyone who thinks that parenting is the most frustrating job on Earth never worked in Tech Support.

This statement was met with "Well, when I worked in customer service / with the public, I never had any problems."

Please, tell me what glorious company you worked for where the customer were never rude, entitled or just plain out nasty, because I will quit my job right now and go work for them, if that's the case. That company must be one in a hundred billion.

She also said that if parenting wasn't hard, you're not doing it right. Other friends commented in response to that statement that because their children were well behaved and a joy to raise, and rather easy compared to jobs they've had in the past, that according to this woman, they were raising their children wrong. I'm sorry, but if that's wrong, I wouldn't want to be right.

I know that being a parent is a full time job, with no sick days or vacations, but there are a lot of paying jobs that have very similar hours... and one of the rewards of parenting is creating a person, molding a human being. The joy that comes from that, I'm told, is unmatched by any salary. A lot of jobs out there don't come with 1/100th of that kind of satisfaction.

If you don't get any satisfaction from raising your children, then maybe the problem is your parenting skills.

I just don't see the point in women constantly patting themselves on the back for squeezing out a child. It's what God (or whatever you believe in) put us here to do. Yes, it's a challenge, but its one that nature equipped you to handle. Being a mother is a natural part of most women's lives, and comes innately, instinctively to them. There are things you'll have to cope with, and deal with, and you can't control how your children will react to things, but if you teach them right, and give them love and support, it shouldn't be THE HARDEST JOB ON EARTH. It should be the best job on Earth.

The person has since deleted her comments on the post, but the fact remains that some people are just too self righteous to take a joke.

STOP INTERNET CENSORSHIP!

2012-01-18T00:36:00.000-05:00

Mascara & Microchips is joining other sites, like Reddit, The Oatmeal, Surviving the World, and Google in an "Internet Blackout" to help people understand what exactly SOPA and PIPA would mean for you as an internet user.

" Please, contact your senators today and let them know your opposition to the bills. If you live outside the US, contact your friends in the US and tell them to contact their senators.

If you haven't heard about PIPA or SOPA before, learn about them today and tell other people about them today. There's a vote scheduled, and it might pass. Voiced opposition may be the only way to stop it.SOPA may have been shelved for now, but it may come back - and meanwhile, PIPA is still scheduled for a vote next week. They're essentially bills that were meant to set up a means of stopping piracy of intellectual property over the internet - certainly not a terrible intention - but have been so poorly and broadly put together that what is meant to limit piracy instead allows for censorship techniques that can shut down entire websites. Infringed content won't even need to be hosted on a site for it to be shut down - links to the content can be enough. Which not only will make it very difficult to share material across the internet, but it will put strong restrictions on creators to produce anything without being completely sure they would have complete copyright to it.Your favorite websites might look a lot like this one does today - although there won't be even this much on it.

Unfortunately, support is bipartisan - of all the things they choose to agree on, this is apparently the one.

Consider: most of the big internet companies we all know - Google, Yahoo, Twitter, Facebook and so on - they're against this bill, as are many top technicians who truly understand the internet. It isn't just that sites can be shut down so easily, but the vague language in the bill discussing fines and prison - it should worry you.SOPA and PIPA are not the answers for any creator working with the internet who is concerned about work being shared with no connection to the original source. And they really need to be stopped before they become law."

-- taken from "Surviving the World", because Dante says it better than I ever could.

You can learn even more here.

Use this page, via wikipedia.org to find contact information for your representatives. Call them. Write them snarky letters to them. It's up to YOU and I to stop this!

Also, check out this page: https://blacklists.eff.org/

Michelle Visage's Face Bothers Me.

2012-01-17T04:17:00.002-05:00

Visage on Season 3 of Drag Race
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Well, not just her face. Everything about Michelle Visage bothers me... but that's not her fault. I'm a bitch.

To me, she just looks like she would smell sweaty and possibly musty. Like a dirty basement that someone converted into a work out room.

Now, I say this after watching a season of RuPaul's drag race in which she was the judge. Every single episode she just looked ick.

I get that we can only do so much about our looks, but how is it she can just look so sinister and evil?

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I haven't dug up much history on her, but I think I read somewhere she's had plastic surgery. I know that she's had her boobs done, but has she had work done to her face? *cough*cheekimplants*cough*

Even when she was younger, she was still sort of scary looking, but not as scary as now. I think the combination of that dark, dark hair, her light eyes, and her pointed chin gives her a witchy look.

A friend of mine once said something that I'll never forget... he said "Her face looks like her ass stinks." I think that phrase can be applied to Michelle Visage these days.

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The first time I saw her on Drag Race, I thought she WAS a drag queen. I mean, she looks drag queeny. It even sounds like a drag queen name. I think that Shannel from RuPaul season's one patterned herself after Visage.

Visage kind of looks like a lion to me these days. When older women get cheek implants, or injections, I really hate it. Linda Kolowski did it. (I sadly caught "Crocodile Dundee 3: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles" on cable a while back.) and she looks like a freakin' lion too! (Sorry, I couldn't find a picture to illustrate that. It was awful, though. Don't ever watch that movie.)

I don't know why women get plastic surgery beyond corrective. I mean, I don't know if you guys have ever picked up on it, but I have a huge nose, among other huge parts (belly, butt, arm fat... blah) but I don't think I'd ever have surgery on it. I mean, as a kid, it was just one of the many things people picked on me about, but now as an adult it doesn't bother me so much. I kind of forgot all about it, to be honest.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? If so, what? Do you think it's worth the risk? I mean, look at Mickey Rourke! He had plastic surgery (I think most of his was corrective, due to boxing) and it took a turn for the worst. Then again, some people have plastic surgery and it looks really good.

Does Michelle Visage scare you?

BOO!
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"Is He Gay?" (Alternatively Titled: "Dad, this is why your other children don't visit.")

2012-01-16T01:31:00.006-05:00

One of the many things I hate about watching TV shows with other people (with the exception of La Pinata, who seems to like just about every show I do... I am suspicious!) is the things they fixate on when watching the show.

For example, (and my dad is more guilty of this than any person I know, which is amazing to me, since he grew up with a gay brother, but my boyfriend has also done it once or twice) they say: "He's gay. did you know he's gay?" or "Is he gay? he seems gay."

Okay, let me illuminate something for you: It's now 2012. Who the fuck cares if he's gay, straight, bi, or sucks horse cock on the weekends, as long as he is a good actor?

For example, if my information is correct, Jim Parsons, who plays Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory" is openly gay. Not only does it have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on his character, it really isn't any business of mine, or anyone else's.

There's also that adorable 12-year-old-Doctor-turned-ladies-man, Barney Stinson, or as he is known in real life, Neil Patrick Harris. If there was ever a manlier "chick magnet" on a sitcom than Barney Stinson, I'll eat my shoe. Yet, in the real world, he is married to a man, and they've adopted a baby. His love of cock has absolutely no bearing on how he plays the character on the show. (well, it might on a personal level, but meh) The point is, these are two examples of phenomenal actors that my father (and sometimes boyfriend) feel the need to fixate on. What does it matter?

Are they afraid that by watching a show with a gay actor, they may somehow turn gay? That's the only plausible explanation I can come up with, and frankly, that's a bit ridiculous. You're either gay or you're not. Anyone who thinks that being gay is a choice has obviously never met my kindergarten boyfriend. That kid came outta the womb gay... and set the tone for the rest of my life -.- Watching a TV Show isn't going to make you gay, and even if it did, big fat hairy deal. Why are some men (and women) so fixated on the sexual orientation of people they aren't likely to ever meet, let alone have to spend any time with?

I have been an advocate of gay rights for a number of years, ever since I realized I could not marry Elton Jon because... well...you know. When other girls were playing with barbie dolls, I was begging my mom for a RuPaul doll. Okay, not really, but if RuPaul dolls had been around when I was playing with dolls, I would have toooootally wanted one. The bottom line is, these days, pointing out someone's sexual orientation is right up there with pointing out their race. "Omg, Becki! that guy is WHITE!" It's got nothing to do with how well they do something. Unless they're Asian. Because Asian's are freakishly good at everything.

So Dad? Shut the fuck up when I'm watching my stories, okay? Thanks.

Animal Prints: Dos and Don'ts

2012-01-12T07:04:00.000-05:00

I am in LOVE with animal prints... I think they are fun, and flirty, and can be tasteful, if done right. Basically, less is more.

There's a stigma that women who dress in animal prints are trashy or cheap, but I couldn't disagree more. Here are some Kat Storm approved ways to rock animal prints in your home, and on yourself.

Avoid "Complete" outfits.
In other words, that leopard print dress might be totally adorable, but don't pair it with matching leopard shoes and a leopard purse. Instead, rock it with some leggings and simple black heels, and a solid jacket, with some silver jewelry. Head to toe prints are only good for Barbie.

Find the right Fit.
Even if you were blessed with a "barbie body", don't rock a skin tight shiny leopard mini dress... Unless you're auditioning for The Jersey Shore.

Avoid mixing prints.
I love Leopard and Zebra, but not together. The exception being on the rare occasion that it rains, because I only have one umbrella and it's zebra print... but my favorite purse is leopard. I'm getting off topic... the point is, prints, just like stripes and polka dots, can create an overwhelming effect. Stick with one or the other.

Try just one "statement piece".
I am a fan shoes, as my future possible father-in-law will tell you... of course that could just be his multiple marriages conditioning... Always compliment a woman's shoes. One of my favorite pairs of shoes are leopard print ballet flats. They quite literally go with everything, but they draw attention. The same could be done with a shirt or bag.

When Decorating, think about the entire room
Nothing will make a room uglier faster than too much of a good thing. Don't go over board. A throw pillow or a rug can compliment your total look, but go overboard. I also say that you should avoid "neon" animal prints, but I'm guilty of having hot pink and purple leopard print sheets. Sometimes, you just can't help yourself.

The bottom line with fashion is that you need to know what works for your body, and the bottom line with animal print is not to go overboard. Two rules to live by!

Make-Up Monday: Eyebrow Rehab

2012-01-09T05:30:00.000-05:00

Eyebrows are one of the trickier parts of make-up. Going too thick or two thin can drastically change how your face appears.

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I've never, ever, ever been able to get my eyebrows even plucking them on my own. I usually wind up over-plucked and uneven, which leads to drawing them on... which leads to me looking like Divine (see picture).

Finally, I decided I was going to put myself in the hands of professionals. I got waxed. And guess what?

Yeah, it hurt. And NEVER AGAIN!

EVER.

Waxing was the singularly most painful experience I've ever had. Granted, I've lead a fairly sheltered life, but still. Ouch.

So, then I tried "Threading", which actually turned out rather well:

Here are some tips for the best brows around?

Never, Ever Wax or Thread on THE DAY OF (event). Waxing takes off the top layer of skin. Threading also causes irritation and redness. It's best to do it at least two days before to give your skin time to recoup.
Allow your brows to grow out... I mean, let the stray hairs grow. Avoid plucking, tweezing, shaping for a while, and THEN get them professionally shaped. After you do that, you can do upkeep yourself for the most part. I use a shaper (which is a razor on a stick, essentially) to help with my upkeep.
When filling in brows, use a pencil that is close to your NATURAL hair color, not your DESIRED hair color. If you want to change the shade of your brows, there are tinted brow gels.
Avoid stencils. Eyes and Eyebrows are not perfectly symmetrical. While a good idea in theory, stencils can actually make you look unnatural.
Fuller Brows give a better overall look. Although I am a fan of skinny brows myself, I've read several places that a fuller brow places less emphasis on dark circles and wrinkles.
Your natural brow should start perpendicular to the inner corner of your eye, and end somewhere beyond the outer corner. This chart will demonstrate:

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Oh, the Jersey Shore...

2012-01-06T00:17:00.002-05:00

People have made many inferences about me as a person based on the fact that I watch "The Jersey Shore", and let me tell you, most of them are not positive. But, beneath the hook ups, the senseless drama, and the stupid statements like "Lobsters are alive when you kill them.", there's something that draws me, and millions of others, in.

What is it, exactly?

I don't pretend to be the most intelligent person on the planet, and I'm certainly not the most well educated, though I am smarter than some. A person with any sense should see that Reality TV is to Reality as Heidi Montage is to Natural Beauty. Reality TV shows are, more often than not, unrealistic people put in unrealistic situations. Actual reality TV would be boring, and no one would watch it. As to the claims of whether or not it's scripted, I am not weighing in. I'm sure a lot of shows are scripted or at least planned out a bit, but that's not really the point. The point is, we want shows to be outrageous, to have drama, and to give us something to talk about.

And when I say talk about, that includes "make fun of". The Jersey Shore is probably one of the most parodied, "caricaturized", and out right mocked programs of our time. The thing about that is, you're doing exactly what the producers of the show want you to do... You're creating a hub-bub about the show, spreading the word, and ultimately getting people to watch it.

I didn't want to get into it at first, I thought it was a vapid, idiotic program (I still do, but let me explain), and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Then a few years ago, I was running out of ideas for Halloween costumes, and money was insanely tight. Then I saw this picture of Snooki wearing a purple mini dress, leggings, and ugg boots. Then it occured to me, I had that outfit. All I needed was a box of black hair dye.

Out of curiosity, I decided to watch an episode of the show when it aired on TV. It happened to be the episode where Snooki got punched in the face.

You could say that with that right hook, I was hooked.

It's not because I think it's a great show, or because I think the cast are great people. It's a trainwreck, and I recognized that many of the pitfalls the cast experiences are because they have no common sense, self control, or manners. They're also shallow and some of them are down right stupid....

But it's entertaining. And over the years, I've come to enjoy Jenny and Vinne most of all. I think of all the castmates, they are the smartest and will go the farthest.

So, as the fifth and final season begins, I raise my glass to The Cast of the Jersey Shore... Except Mike, because he's just below Kim Kardashian and Courtney Stodden on my list of worthless people. Thank you for entertaining me.

...And reminding me that I'm so much smarter than you are. Heh.

WTF Wednesday: Courtney Stodden

2012-01-04T01:30:00.000-05:00

I know that I am going to get a LOT of flak for this next statement, particularly from my boyfriend, since I am a self proclaimed lover of repetitive auto-tuned pop music, but I was trolling YouTube looking for new toons, and it occurred to me it really takes absolutely no talent to be a singer any more.

Lately, it just seems like everything was this reality star, or that, banging out some repetitive hook over computer generated beeps and boops.

I know I sound like a curmudgeon, but I'm just so tired of people with no talent *Kim Kardashian* creating this crap, calling it music, and profiting from it.

And by far, the biggest, worst, MOST offensive, no talent individual? Guess. You'll never guess. Actually, if you know me at all, you probably guessed immediately.

No, it's not Miley Cyrus, or Ke-Dollar Sign-ha, it's not Kim Kardashian, though she is a close second. (yes, she makes "music"). It's not even any of the entire cast (from all three previous seasons) of RuPaul's Drag Race who suddenly all decided they HAVE to release singles (as much as it pains me to say it, because I love my queens, but almost all of those singles suck)... No... it's

COURTNEY-MUTHA-FUCKING-STODDEN.

She is the one person on this planet I can say has no redeeming factors. None. Ke$ha is funny, and argue the point all you want, she does write some good songs. Granted, they are not the epitome of musical talent, but her lyrics are catchy, and while a lot of people are more inclined to say she is a drunken slut than a role model, how are her lyrics any different than Lil Wayne's Lollipop song? The biggest difference is that Ke$ha is a woman, and I think that makes people uncomfortable. Women aren't supposed to display sexual confidence and dominance so openly, according to some.

I'm not going to argue that Ke$ha looks like she needs a bath with a half gallon of Lye soap, though.

Even Miley Cyrus was a positive role model for kids when she first started out... Although, I really think she is going to wind up following in Lindsay Lohan's footsteps before too much longer. So, then she'll be a cautionary tale.

But Courtney Stodden?

No, there is nothing redeeming about her. She's a fame hungry individual using a completely creepy situation (being 17 and married to a 51 year old man) to garner attention. And ick, it's working.

She's released at least three vomit inducing "music videos" on youtube, which feature her writhing around in a fashion that almost makes me wonder if maybe this poor girl doesn't suffer from full-body tourettes. We all ready know she has some kind of Bell's Palsy* where her face is concerned, so it stands to reason she may have other movement control problems as well.

I know you're saying "But Kat, you're being kind of mean, aren't you? She just wants to live her life and be with her husband and do her thing."

No. No she doesn't. She wants to be in the public eye, so she does all this stupid stuff ... like this... to get attention:

I'm all for self expression as far as fashion is concerned, but the only place one should be wearing boots like those is when they're sliding down a pole. Not "innoccently picking pumpkins" with their husband, as she claimed she was (although she does seem to use him as a portable stripper pole).

Courtney, I'm sorry, you did it as a stunt, and if you hadn't been dressed like a $2 hooker, I MIGHT have believed you were being picked on by the "jealous WIMEN" at the pumpkin patch ...

...and posing for paparazzi photos is right up there with with "accidentally-on-purpose" forgetting to wear a bra with a sheer dress.

Courtney Stodden is probably the only person who isn't getting a reality show that wants one more than I do. But the difference is, I'm not acting like a total whore and pimping out my marriage trying to get one.

Her terrible fashion choices, creepy marriage, and facial spasms aside, Courtney is not a talented musician, and I really wish she would stop, stop, stop trying to be. I respect her right to be trashy, skanky, and down right obnoxious, this is America, and that's what we do, but please, for the love of Gaga, stop polluting the airwaves with your God Awful "Sing Talk".

Am I just being a hater? I've made no secret of my dislike for C-Stodd on the Twitters, and a lot of Stodden Fans have sought me out and said that I am just jealous of how hot she is. Jealous of what, exactly? Stodden has fake(bleached) hair, fake(alleged) boobs, fake(alleged) lips, and a fake tan. Maybe if she hadn't done all that, I might be jealous of her looks. I mean, here she is a few years ago before she married Creepy Chester the Molester, courtesy of my pal Perez Hilton:

Yeah, she was genuinely beautiful then. If she looked like that now, I might be jealous. But since she looks like this:

I'm not so jealous any more. The girl is almost 10 years younger than I am, and she looks at least 10 years older than I do.

People have also said that I'm jealous because she's married and I'm not. If I wanted to marry a guy three times my age, I'm sure I wouldn't have a problem. Especially if he were as creepy looking as Doug Hutchison.

No, my problem with Stodden doesn't steam from jealousy (though I am kind of perturbed her alliteration-laden tweets have more followers than I do) of any sort. I think that she is a pathetic human being who places herself worth in her ability to garner attention, and I pity her for it.

So for all the people who think I'm just hating on her because I'm jealous... Cue the pink dog in the boat:

Yeah, I'm so jealous of that... Oh wait, that's right... I can sing WITHOUT Auto tune...

The bottom line, C-Stodd is a worthless person, perpetuating the stigma that American's are idiots by even entertaining the notion that she is a singer or a candidate for a reality TV Show. Please go back to your husband and when it comes to singing? D-d-d-d-d-don't.

PS. 1995 called... It wants it's Gold armband back.

* No Offense is meant to those who suffer from Bell's Palsy, or any other type of facial paralysis by comparing them to the train wreck that is Courtney Stodden

Make Up Monday: Skin's In

2012-01-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

One of the questions I am most frequently asked is: "When you wear so much make-up, how do you keep your skin from breaking out?"

Over the years, I've learned quite a bit about the magic that is skin care, mostly through trial and error. I will tell you that, though I am not a trained cosmetologist, I've put hundreds of hours into my face.

The first piece of advice I can give you is this: Stick to a regiment. Nothing is going to happen if you do it once a month, or even once a week. You have to do something every day to discover whether or not it works for you. The obvious exception is when a negative reaction (such as a rash or other irritation) occurs.

The reason that "Proactive" boasts such success rates is because there is a time consuming regiment you have to adhere to daily. Basic skin care is much the same.

This is my skin care regiment, and it works for me. It may not work for you, because everyone's skin is different. I have Combination Skin, which means that parts of my (such as my nose, chin, and forehead) get very oily, whereas my cheeks and around my eyes tend to be very dry.

Once a day (usually when I wake up), I wash my face with warm water, using a mild cleanser. Lately, I've been using Clean & Clear Morning Burst.

One a week, immediately after washing my face, I use The Tree Hut's Exfoliating Sugar Scrub, or an Apricot Scrub from St Ives (whichever I happen across at wal-mart, I've found no real difference in the products, though St. Ives boasts a line of acne products), paying particular attention to my jawline, neck, chin, and nose. Those are the places I tend to break out the most.

Some skin experts have said exfoliating is good for the skin; others have said it's bad for it. I find that it works well for me.

Once a day, after washing/exfoliating, I pat my face dry with a clean towel and apply Clean & Clear spot treatment to any tender areas that feel like they might become a zit (I get a lot of break outs that start under the skin) and using a clean cotton swab, apply a little peroxide to any above-the-skin break outs. Both of these are rare for me now, but when I was in my early twenties, I had them frequently. Don't try to pop a zit, it will lead to scarring, especially if its under the skin. Instead, treat it with a spot treatment (or peroxide if it's above the skin) and avoid touching it (your hands have a crazy amount of bacteria on them).

Every time I wash my face, after it's dry and I've dealt with any breakouts, I use an Oil-Free Moisturizer with an SPF of 30+ on my entire face. I know it seems silly, didn't I just say I had oily skin? Blackheads are caused by oil and dirt in your pores, so you want to get rid of the oil, right? The only problem with that is, your skin will think it's too dry and double oil production, making your problem increase. Using a moisturizer can help prevent that. It also keeps the other parts of my face (such as my cheeks and eyes) from drying out too much.

Every day before I go to bed, I use make-up remover to take off any make-up I might be wearing, then I wash my face with warm water and Noxeema. I usually leave the Noxeema on for about five minutes before rinsing.

Then I use my Clean & Clean Blackhead Eraser on my nose and chin. It's a battery operated tool that gently vibrates a rough sponge-like pad with cleanser in it. I've been using it for about a month and I see some improvement, especially around my chin.

It may seem like a lot, but once you get used to doing it every day, it takes about ten minutes. Less time, once your acne begins to clear up and you no longer have to do a spot treatment every day.

About twice a month or so, I also use a clay masque, usually Queen Helene in Mint Julip. Although most people think they look silly, they really do leave my skin feeling refreshed.

Now, I have a tremendous problem with blackheads on my nose. I've tried just about everything (including squeezing them out, but that creates more problems down the road), and nothing has completely worked. I find that those pore strips are a complete waste of money. The Blackhead Eraser has improved the situation on my chin and cheeks, but I still have a problem on my nose.

I recently read an article about an Egg White Mask that claims it works much better than pore strips. I have not yet had a chance to try it, but I will probably look into it this week and post my results. If it works, I will add it to my regime.

Again, I'm not a professional, and if you have severe acne, you should speak with a dermatologist, but if you simply a person who likes make-up and wants to avoid related skin problems, I hope this helps!

Happy New Year (and why I hate generic relationship advice from the internet)

2011-12-30T08:28:00.001-05:00

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Happy New Year, Dearest ones! How will you be celebrating tomorrow night? I will be with the "in-laws" in Delaware, eating myself into oblivion.

I had a good birthday, thank you to everyone who sent well wishes. The power at my house DID go out just as I sat down to start my make up (we were having a really bad windstorm on the Shore), but other than that, everything was wonderful. So wonderful that I'm still slightly hungover three days later.

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas / Hanuka / Kwanzaa / Non-denominational Holiday.

I don't really make New Year's Resolutions anymore, because it's easy to say "On January 1st, I'm going to _____." And then January 2nd rolls around and you say "Ah, fuck it." I'm more of a "trying to improve myself little by little throughout the year" sort of person... I don't know if that's anymore effective or not, but it saves me looking like an asshole when someone sees me biting my fingernails on January 3rd.

I woke up today and wasn't able to get back to sleep, so I played a little WoW, and after saving Winter Veil (aka Christmas in Azeroth) for the 15th day in a row, I decided to try to find something a little bit more productive with my time... So I got on StumbleUpon, as that is the HEIGHT of productivity. I know you're thinking, "But Kat, aren't you a redditor?" And yes, I am, but everyone once in a while, I like to just look at funny pictures of Cats wearing shoes without all the negative commentary that Reddit brings to anyone who has an opinion.

Anywho, so I'm stumblin', and I come to not one, not two, but three articles in a row about improving your love life. All three articles were written at different times, by different people, who I am assuming living in different parts of the country... but yet, once you boiled it down, it was essentially the same generic advice. And let me tell you something, most of that so called advice? Crock. Of. Shit.

If you want a successful relationship, you can't rely on advice from someone who's never met you, or your partner, and who doesn't know your struggles and your story. Sure, there are some universal rules for success, like communication, but this "Spend one night a week focusing on your partner" crap irks me. Every relationship is different, and some couples like to spend a lot of time together, and others like to do their own thing. Just because you don't follow this article's advice doesn't mean your relationship is going to fail. You and your partner decide that.

I've said it time and time again, the cornerstone of ANY relationship, romantic or otherwise, is good communication. Being able to speak your mind clearly and concisely is a skill few people possess and even fewer exercise, which is why we have so many problems these days. I'm guilty of it. I get upset with Boyfriend sometimes and don't know how to communicate it to him. Other times, I get upset about other things and don't know how to communicate THAT to him. But when we DO talk things out, we resolve them so much faster... but that's about the only specific advice I can give to ANY couple without knowing their story.

I know I may seem a bit hypocritical, since I answer reader questions about dating all the time in "Ask Kat", but that's slightly different. Those are specific examples of very specific problems. I may not know the person, and I don't presume that I can fix all their problems. I can only tell them what I would do if I were them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

The bottom line is, all this "keep the romance in your relationship by doing ____" isn't helping anyone but the sales team at Cosmo magazine. You write your own love story, and unless the person writing the article knows you, don't worry if your relationship isn't what they say it should be... and even if they do know you, I still wouldn't worry. Your love is your business.

My Favorite Christmas Movies that Have Nothing to Do With Christmas (and a little make up monday)

2011-12-26T00:44:00.002-05:00

Happy Boxing Day, Lovelies...

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season...

Every year, over the holidays I watch several movies that have very little to do with Christmas... Even though they are more or less set in the Christmas Season.

1. Die Hard
Set during Christmas in LA, the story of a group of thieves posing as a group of terrorists in order to rob a wealthy Japanese company was Bruce Willis's big screen break. You know the story. They have his wife, but they didn't count on John McClane. He kicks all their asses and saves the day. Bonus points because his partner is Carl Winslow.

2. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
The title was kind of dumb, and the plot of the movie was even more unbelievable than the last, but John McClane is going to stop those terrorists from fucking up his Christmas and blowing up his wife.

3. Batman Returns
Evil Business Men and Deformed Danny DeVito? No problem for my favorite batman, Michael Keaton. Oh, but the Catwoman might be an issue, since she's both the thorn in his side and his lady love.

4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
"Yer a wizard, Harry." Even though the main back drop of this movie isn't Christmas, the movie still has a really Christmasy feel to it, to me.

5. Look Who's Talking Now
First it was babies, now it's dogs. Oh those silly dogs! Saving Kirstie Alley and that kid from 7th Heaven (or was he on 2nd Noah? doesn't matter, he's irrelevant now) from the wolves... and saving John Travolta from a wealthy British woman who wants to make all his wildest dreams come true!

And because no Monday would be complete without a little of this:

Gold is really the IT color right now, and I'm loving it, because it's so festive. Moose got me this really great make up set for Christmas and it had a TON of golds and bronzes to work with. Thanks boo-boo!

More Tutorials in the new year!

Cynical Christmas Mathematics!

2011-12-25T05:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas, one and all!

When I was a kid, I figured out pretty early on that there was no Santa Claus. Cause I'm clever. And because my biological father was a piece of shit, but I prefer to focus on the fact that I'm clever.

It's simple math.

There are 2.1 billion Christians in the world. Let's round that up to 2.5 billion to account for people who don't attend church or have religious affiliations, but still like the holiday enough to celebrate it. (Like moi), but who don't live in cultures that don't believe in Mr. Kringle.

Assuming that at least a billion of them are children under the age of say, 18 (which is pretty high for still believing in Santa, I'll admit), that's still not only a lot of presents (plus an overweight old geezer) for "eight tiny reindeer" to carry, you have to assume that this Santa character has some type of advanced technology that allows him to alter the laws of time and space.

It is physically impossible for someone to circumnavigate the globe in less than 20 hours (unless you're using a Military Jet, then you're looking at about 10-12 hours, or the Space Shuttle, which could do it in about 90 minutes), and that's without stopping. Santa is making roughly 9,000,000+ stops in one night? While carrying a billion + presents? Even factoring in time differences, ONE SINGLE OVERWEIGHT SENIOR CITIZEN could not possibly handle that work load in one night. Hell, Federal Express can't even handle it and they have thousands of employees.

Impossible, even six year old me could figure that out.

Then you have to take into account that Santa is utilizing slave labor. I mean, how can he possibly afford to pay Elves to build his toys? How does he pay for the raw materials? How does he pay his TAXES?
The whole operation is hemorrhaging money!

...and does the fact that this guy habitually breaks-and-enters bother no one else? Or that he stalks little children all year long and arbitrarily decides who's naughty or nice? What is his criteria, anyway? And who decided HE gets to deem what behavior is acceptable?

Yes, I was a very cynical child, even in the beginning.

My family celebrates Christmas on the 24th, so I've all ready had my Christmas with them. My parents got me a chill mat for my laptop, "The Princess Bride" by William Goldman, "A Feast for Crows" and "A Game Of Thrones" by George R. R. Martin. Pretty sweet gifts :-)

I hope that your Christmas / Holiday is Merry, and joyful, and full of people who are... not like me. :-) Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, all!

Flick Pick Friday: Movies I'm Looking Forward to in 2012

2011-12-23T02:25:00.000-05:00

In No Particular Order:

The Expendables 2: Trailer (August 17th, 2012)

Not that I honestly expect this movie to ever live up to Die Hard, Rocky, or The Terminator, (or even the first Expendables not matter how low that's setting the bar) some of my favorite veteran action stars are making an appearance... Including... That's Right. DOLPH! I love me some Dolph, even now that the man is like, 60. He's still a hot piece.

It's a shame they couldn't get Harrison Ford, Jackie Chan and Sean Connery out of the ground for this flick. That would have been completely bad ass. Though, then it would have been a bit more like The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.

The Dark Knight Rises: Trailer (July 20th, 2012)
As a long time Batman Fan Girl, the final installment of the Nolan Re-boot comes with a mixture of sadness (not of Harry Potter proportions, but still, a little sad) and anticipation. The film has big shoes to fill in the wake of The Dark Knight, most notably the performance of the late Heath Ledger as the Joker, but Nolan rarely disappoints.

However lithe and gorgeous Anne Hathaway may be, though, I have trouble envisioning her as any type of villain, even Cat Woman. I'm not saying she can't do it, but I have trouble imaging it. Anything would be better than Halle Berry's god awful attempt.

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II (November 16th, 2012)
Yeah. The only reason I'm looking forward to this is so all the Twilight shit will finally be over. The books were okay, but why are we will still making movies? Kristen Stewart can't act, Robert Pattinson can't outshine (no matter how much he sparkles) REAL vampires like, say, Gary Oldman or Brad Pitt... and Taylor Lautner looks like a llama.

Les Miserables, (December 7th, 2012)
I dreamed a dream... that movie-musicals would be revived, although with Burlesque I kind of lost hope... and that's saying a LOT since I love Cher (though I did like "You haven't Seen The Last of Me")... But I have always loved Les Mis, it's probably one of my favorite musicals of all time... and I LOVE musicals. Hugh Jackman takes the role of Valjean, with Russell Crowe as the contemptuous Javier. Anne Hathaway, whom I originally thought would be playing Cosette is cast as Fantine. No word on Wiki or IMDB who will be playing Cosette, but it is rumored that Sascha Baron Cohen and your best friend and mine (ugh) Helena Bonham Carter will be playing the Thénardiers.

Who would I like to see cast as Cosette? Anyone but Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (December 14th, 2012)
I wrote about The Hobbit yesterday, so it's no surprise it made the list. Sir Ian McKellan, Andy Serkes, Hugo Weaving, Christopher Lee, Ian Holm, Cate Blanchette, Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom reprise their respective roles from The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. There are more Dwarves this time around, though.

The first part of the two-part movie is schedule to hit theaters next year, but the first trailer aired earlier this week, and all ready fan boys are making love to their Gandalf bedsheets. Hell, I'm no different. I effing love Lord of the Rings.

Myyyyyyyy preccccccccioussssssssss.

The Amazing Spider-man, (May 2, 2012)
The reboot's reboot, plans for TASM began almost as soon as Spider-Man's cancellation was official. Based on the Comic series of the same name, we follow Peter Parker on his mission to discover who he really is.

Though I've always been a D.C. Comics girl over Marvel, I do like Spider-Man. I've never heard of Andrew Garfield, though, so I'm not sure what he'll be like as a Spider-Man. Emma Stone is not playing Mary Jane Watson, like I thought she would when I heard they were casting her in TASM, but rather Gwen Stacy.

All in all, it'll still be better than Spider-Man 3.

First Trailer for "The Hobbit" hits the internets...

2011-12-22T01:11:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has spent any time in the J.R.R. Tolkien Legandarium knows the story of Bilbo and The One Ring, but unless they've read the Hobbit, they don't truly know the tale of adventure that brought Bilbo and Gandalf together.

This first trailer for the first part of "The Hobbit" (the story is being split into two movies) hit the internets a few days ago and Fan Boys and Girls alike are a buzz with comments and criticisms about the trailer.

So far, the general consensus seems to be that people are happy the Songs are being included in the story (I, myself, got goosebumps when hearing them), and that the effects and cinematography look amazing, but since this is Peter Jackson we're talking about, that should come as no surprise.

I am very much looking forward to the film myself, though if I may offer one criticism, there is a moment in the trailer where Galadriel touches Gandalf's face/hair. This is indicative of a tender moment between the two. I'm hoping that she is just reassuring Gandalf of something, and its not some sort of contrived effort for a romance between the two.

Since this exchange does not happen in the books, I can't comment on what the motivation behind including it in the trailer might be.

I had the thought that it might be nothing, but the cutting room included it as a sort of teaser, perhaps to tempt girlfriends and wives of fanboys to come along to see it because of a "romance aspect". Either way, I hope that Mr. Jackson didn't go making up love stories, because frankly, I can't see what purpose it would serve to the story.

What are you thoughts on the trailer, Dearest Ones?

The Great "Happy Holidays" Debate

2011-12-21T07:01:00.001-05:00

As an agnostic, I'm sure it comes to no big surprise to my readers that I really don't give a flying rat's ass whether you wish me Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas. I have never, and will never, get upset because one phrase over another was used to wish me some kind of joy, or good juju. Because that's basically what the speaker is doing-- They want you to have a good season. That's the long and short of it.

Don't you think it's a little ridiculous to get angry over that? I do. But then again, I've always been prone to the most rational of thinking. Right?

Don't answer that.

Putting aside that fact that Christmas and New Year's fall within a week of one another (so yes, that would make "Happy Holidays" the shorter version of "Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!", not everyone on the planet celebrates Christmas.

Hanuka is probably the second Holiday that comes to mind when you think of December, but there's also Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day, Guru Gobind Singh's Birthday celebrated by those of the Sikh faith in early January, and Eid-ul-Adha, the most important feast of Islam, is also in January.Diwali (celebrated by those of the Hindu faith) and Ramadan (celebrated by followers of the Muslim faith) also occur in the fall / winter. As you can plainly see, there are a lot of holidays at the end of the year... As well as my birthday, which is December 27th... and will some day be a national holiday.

There are many different cultures around the world, and most do not celebrate Christmas. That's pretty much just a Christian thing... and those who aren't christian, but like free stuff (me).

The thing is, though, it seems to me that people get a little bit too caught up in what we're saying, rather than the meaning behind it.

Boyfriend works with the public, and his company has instructed him to say "Happy Holidays", because they would like to extend well wishes to people of all faiths, religions and creeds. So, at least once a day, Boyfriend gets lectured by some ridiculously uptight person that he (as if he alone is responsible for the moral bankruptcy of the world, no less) is taking "The Christ out of Christmas."

I get it. You love Jesus, but you know, not everyone loves him the same way you to. I always find it so ironic that one of the lessons that was drilled into my head over and over again in bible school was tolerance, and yet some (not all!!) of the Christians I've come in contact with are the most intolerant people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.

I told him to just start telling people he was Jewish when they got in his face about saying Happy Holidays. Cause I'm the best, most supportive girlfriend, ever.

Now, I'm not saying we should remove all traces of Christmas from the holiday season, that's not what I'm saying at all. Put out your nativity scenes and your giant candles... But don't get all bent out of shape because of the nomenclature.

At the same time, don't get angry because someone wishes you a Merry Christmas instead of knowing what specific faith you subscribe to. It ain't always immediately obvious, you know... unless you're walking around wearing a Yarmulke and a Star of David Sweater.

The bottom line is, someone took time from their day, even if it is only a second, to bestow upon you wishes for joy and happiness. Take it, be thankful, and respect ALL faiths, Christianity, Judaism, Muslim, etc.

Let the Jesus people have their Christmas Trees, and Jews their Menorahs... don't get your knickers in a twist because a business has a holiday display that is a different faith than you are. They aren't trying to offend you, they're simply trying to celebrate their own way of life.

And Here's some Foamy for you:

And then they parked in the lot, and ate their food!

2011-12-20T01:17:00.000-05:00

I forgot my lunch before work tonight, I stopped at the McDonald's down the road from my house for some chicken nuggets.

I always make sure I know what I want, because I remember what it was like when I was in school, working in the Arby's Drive Thru. The people who would hold up the line for what felt like an hour, deciding what they wanted.

My philosophy on that is, if you don't know what you want, and you are able bodied, and the lobby is open, go inside. If you're not in too much of a hurry to hold up the line, then you're not in too much of a hurry to go inside.

Tonight, I was stuck behind a family (I assume) of people in a PT Cruiser. My window was open, so I heard the exchange between them, and the poor employee (who speaks English as a second, or possibly third language, but was doing pretty well with it):

Employee: Welcome to McDonald's Drive Thru, may I help you?

Customer: Hold on! HOLD ON!

Employee: Let me know when you are ready.

Customer: What you all want? No they ain't got that. What? (yelling out the window) Hey! Hey yo! Yo! you there? Yo, HELLO!

Employee: Just one moment please.

Customer: I want a number six. but not the combo, just the sandwich. You still got that special? (or something like that. The employee doesn't answer right away. I'm assuming he went to help someone in the lobby or something.) YO! Yo! you there?

The next five minutes were spent with the customer asking questions that could have been answered if he had taken a cursory glance at the menu; you know, how much this item cost, or if they still had that item (which was featured prominently in the middle of the menu board), punctuated by long pauses. All in all, I was behind this asshole for 13 minutes.

Why didn't I just go somewhere else?

You see, on a normal night, I allow myself 10 extra minutes to get to work. It takes me 20 minutes to drive 9 miles, between stop lights and speed limits and all. So I give myself a half hour. McDonald's is the only place between my house and my work except subway, 7-11 and Royal Farms, none of which have drive thrus. I don't like leaving my vehicle at night. Partially because the area where these places are located aren't very nice, partially because at 10:30 pm on a week night, there aren't a lot of people out who aren't up to at least a little "no good" and partially because I'm carrying my laptop and several other expensive items I don't want to leave in the car unattended, even for a few minutes.

If I had known I was going to be stopping for food earlier, I would have given myself more time, because McDonald's isn't my first choice... but I only had that ten extra minutes. There wasn't enough time to go somewhere else, especially since I was all ready pressed for time as it was. I knew I could cut about five minutes off my time if I drove a little over the speed limit once I hit the highway, but I wasn't about to push it beyond that.

So there I am, stuck behind this rude jerk who doesn't seem to understand that no only is he holding things up for the hungry folk behind him, but he's also messing with the Employee's money.

You guys didn't know that, did you?

You see, if McDonald's is anything like Arby's, (and I'm betting they are), their drive thru services are timed. A person's raise would depend on their drive through times. Even the time you spend ordering is included in the time, so by taking this ridiculously long time to order, this customer is bringing this guy's entire average for the night down.

When I got to the window, the hispanic employee politely told me I would have to wait a few minutes for fresh fries, and took my money. I watched the guy who had been in front of me pull into a parking space, and being to eat his food. Right there, in the parking lot.

Maybe he was handicapped, and couldn't walk. Or maybe he was just a selfish jerk. Either way, I made it to work at 10:59.

So I implore you, the indecisive, the special orderers of the world, if you can walk, and you don't know what you want, or you have a complicated order, that's more than just "no onions"... Please go inside. As a veteran of the fast food industry, and now as a customer, I am begging you think of others.

Make Up Monday: Holiday Glow

2011-12-19T03:32:00.001-05:00

The Holidays are here, the Holidays are here!

Whether you're looking for something to rock to a New Years Eve party, a work event, or even just something to pop in those family pictures for Christmas, glowing skin is a must have.

Glowing skin will make you photo ready, and it's the perfect back drop for any make up you make want to do on your eyes and lips, or if you want to do something simple, it looks natural and healthy.

Before you get to work on your make up, make sure you check out my tips and tricks post.

As always, please remember that I am not a professional, and have had no formal training. I do this for fun, and I don't know everything about make up. If you have a better way to do it, please feel free to share with my readers :-)

Note: I didn't blend the make up on my neck the way I would if I were going out, mostly to save time for myself.

I'm still working on trying to get into a rhythm for these videos. Hopefully I'll find mine soon!

List of Products:

Nivea Soft for Face and Body (lotion)

Physician's Formula Green Concealer (blemish)

Rimmel Hide the blemish beige concealer (under eye)

NYC Liquid Foundation (Coverage)

Mary Kate and Ashley Sequin Dust (for hi-lighting)

Hard Candy Glow All the Way Liquid Bronzer (for Hi-lighting)

Physician's Formula Powder Bronzer (for Contouring)

NYC Color Wheel Mosaic Face Powder (blush)

The Color Workshop Eyebrow Cake in Brown (eye brows)

The Color Workshop Mascara in Brown (lashes)

The Color Workshop Lip Pencil in Red (lip liner)

The Color Workshop Lip Stick in pink (lip filler)

Lip Licious (I think I said Lip Luscious, but its licious) in Fruit Punch (lip gloss)

Fiction Friday: A Preview of "High Heels & Hangovers"

2011-12-16T04:10:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry Elton John.That was the first of many hard lessons I would learn about men.

"You haven’t been out of the house in days.”
“Brush your hair.”
“Wash your face.”
“No! NO SWEATS!”

My bedroom was a flaming fury of homosexuality, I mused as a pair of fluid hands grabbed a brush from the dresser and tore it through my knotted hair.

The door bell had rung two hours earlier, and when I finally motivated myself to get off the couch and answer it, I had been greeted by my very own fab-threesome.

“We are going out. Tonight.” Jake, my younger brother, had asserted, dragging me up the stairs.
“And you’re going to have a good time. Or else.” my best friend, Kyle, added.
“Yeah, there’s nothing quite like forced merriment.” I responded as my other best friend, Ryan, came at me like a menacing ballerina, armed with tweezers.
“These eye brows are a hot mess.” He said in a disgusted tone.
“Hot mess accurately describes my life at this particular moment, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Yes, we've all read your blog. You’re quite the tragic hero.” Jake muttered. “Mom told me to tell you to stop being melodramatic.”
“Tell mom-”
“Good lord woman!” Ryan said, grabbing my chin and yanking my head back towards him. “I’ve had sex in cars that were not half as big as these pores.”
“You’re not making me feel better.” I grumbled.
“Where are your boob shirts?” Kyle said, throwing open the closet door with a flourish, that really, only a gay man can do.
“In the back. With my pride.”
“Oh will you stop it!” Jake said, yanking a particularly painful knot free. “You make me sick.”
“Good, then let’s forget this whole exercise, and I’ll go back to watching re-runs of the Jersey Shore, and you three can go pick up dudes at the beach.”
“I refuse to allow you watch that train wreck.” Ryan returned, applying cool lotion to my face with a gentle hand. “It kills brain cells.”
“I think my brain could do with a few less thoughts.”
“If I hear one more negative thing come out of your mouth tonight, I’m telling mom where you keep your dildo.”
“I’ll tell her where you keep yours.”
“Touche, whore.” He responded.
“Not a masterpiece, but an improvement, nonetheless.” Kyle appraised me, returning from the depths of my huge walk in closet. He had in his hands a short red dress I had only worn once before, with tragic consequences.
“Not the red one.” Ryan said quickly. He grabbed the hanger, and disappeared in the closet. I heard him flicking hangers across the rack, and muttering to himself.
“Ah-ha!” He exclaimed, returning with a deep blue silk dress that still had the tags on it. “I knew you’d go back and buy it… now’s the time to wear it.”
“She needs shoes!” Jake squealed.
“These!” Kyle said, gleefully, holding up a pair of black gladiator sandals.
“My fairy god queers.” I grumbled. “
"Oh hush… you love us.” Ryan said.
“In small doses.” I smiled in spite of myself.
“Go put on some clean panties. It’s club time!” He said, pushing me in to the bathroom.

I washed my face in the toothpaste stained sink, and took a good long look at my reflection. I was average in just about every sense of the word. I had an average face, average hair, and an average body. There was nothing that set me apart from any other brown eyed, brunette twenty-something. I suppose that being average is better than being ugly, but in the constant ebb and flow of life, I felt like more often that not, I was ebbed and flowed right on out of mind.

I supposed I should have started with: "Once upon a time, there was a funny, intelligent, semi-attractive twenty-something woman."

Have you ever noticed that fairy tales never start out that way? It’s always “A beautiful princess” or a “poor, but beautiful maiden.” And the ugly folk in the story are always assholes? Why is that? My theory is that pretty people are the ones writing the fairy tales, and they are over compensating for being idiots and assholes.

I guess that the perfect blonds with tiny waists and perfect bosoms are the only ones who get happy endings. Well, them, and the business men who frequent that shady massage parlor on Oakland Avenue. I digress, I was about to tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there a funny, intelligent, semi-attractive twenty-something woman. Who liked to drink.

Make Up Monday: Leona Lewis Inspired Look

2011-12-12T04:00:00.000-05:00

Make up Monday is back!

My rash/allergic reaction is finally clearing up, but I still don't feel 100% confidant about going on camera... Although, Sunday nights at work have been a little slow as of late, so I have had a bit more time to play around with looks... Perhaps soon, I'll be able to go camera... We'll see... But! Best of all? my early birthday gift to myself came: A new set of make up brushes!

Source Page

Some people would call this look a "Smokey Eye", but that's not really the true name for it. This is more of a gradient Eye Shadow.

I really like this look, because it's incredibly versatile, and I think that it's a great "winter time look". It translates well from office parties to social gatherings to family events, both formal and in-formal.

Before you proceed, you should read my Tips and Tricks post.

I'm still not very good at doing tutorials, and I'm still not feeling 100%, but I wanted to post something for this new segment... I'm a big fan of Lauren Luke (aka Panacea81 on YouTube) and her work, so here is her tutorial for Leona Lewis's "I Got You" look.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!
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Really, please don't make commentary about my vagina, or any vagina accessories...

2011-12-09T22:13:00.001-05:00

I know my friends who work in retail are probably going to take offense to this, but it's something that has bugged me for a long time...

I hate it when I'm at Wal-Mart or some where similar, and the cashiers, who rotate just like those little carousels the plastic bags they are handing me hang on, and will never see me again, feel the need to make chit chat with me based on what I'm buying.

Specifically, when I'm buying anything that has to be in close proximity to my vagina.

I mean, if I'm buying eye liner, or a CD, I don't really mind so much. I'd venture to say I don't really mind at all, because stuff like that is normal. You can comment on the shade of nail polish I'm buying if you like it... but there's a line, and I really wish some cashiers would stop crossing it.

Anything related to the vagina -- Condoms, Lube, Pregnancy Tests, Yeast infection medication -- should not be commented on.

Any grown woman who has been sexually active for a while has probably bought a pregnancy test or two in her life. Not so long ago, I was buying one and the cashier picked it up, smiled the shittiest of all shit-eating-grins and said "Uh-oh, is that for you?"

Lady, what is possibly going on in my uterus is NO BUSINESS OF YOURS. If it wouldn't take 4-6 weeks to get a pregnancy test on amazon.com delivered to my house, I'd probably go that route just to avoid this potentially annoying situation. BUT SHE DIDN'T STOP THERE.

She said "Would it be your first? Was it planned? Are you excited?" Uhh, excuse me? I missed the part where you're H-Woww and I tell you everything. I really wish our Wal-Mart had self check out.

Another time, I was buying a bra at the same store, and the cashier actually stroked the cup and said "Niiiice." Yes, it's a nice material, but now I never want to wear it.

I guess it's back to shopping at K-Mart.

Happy Holidays, You Bastard.

2011-12-08T00:05:00.001-05:00

I'm sure I won't win any friends or influence any people with this post, but there is something that starts bugging me every year around this time. That something would be "The Holiday Season."

Don't get me wrong; I like Christmas as much as the next person... But like anything else, Society has a way of royally fucking it up, making it no fun, and basically ruining it for everyone.

There are a laundry list of things I hate about this holiday season, and it grows longer every year:

It starts Earlier And Earlier every year.
The local radio station started playing Christmas music right after Halloween this year. Come on, people. I know you're excited about it and all, but lets wait until after Thanksgiving, okay?
Every mediocre pop persona in the world feels the need to put out a Christmas/Holiday Album as some point in their career.
You will never be able to top Bing Crosby's White Christmas. Ever.
This year, Justin Bieber is putting out a Christmas Album. Someone please give me a chopstick which I can jam in my ear canal so that I may not ever have to hear him trying to outdo the Jackson Five's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
Every once in a GREAT WHILE, a really great new Christmas song comes along... but for the most part, nothing (in my mind, at least) will ever top the classics. And if I hear "The Christmas Shoes" one more time this year, I am going to murder someone.
Vapid Holiday Specials
Every year, ABC Family and Lifetime conspire to make us all feel guilty about how warm and cozy our lives are by depicting some made-for-TV movie about a lonely spinster or orphan, played by someone who once had a supporting role on a second rate sitcom. Or worse, they attempt to make some tacky comedy with hijinx that will never live up to the legacy of the first two "Home Alone" films. It's contrived. Please play the Aforementioned "Home Alone" films, "A Charlie Brown Christmas", "Miracle on 34th Street", "It's a Wonderful Life", "A Christmas Story", "Frosty the Snowman", "Rudolph" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and stop there. Pls. K. Thx.
The Happy Holidays / Merry Christmas debate.
A lot of people I know get mad because people say "Happy Holidays"... They go all "Jesus is the reason we celebrate! Don't take the Christ out of Christmas!" Yeah? NOT EVERYONE CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE. We've got Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Jehovah's Witnesses who don't celebrate anything... I don't get what's so offensive about wishing ALL (Well, except maybe the Jehovah's Witnesses...) of those people a pleasant holiday... And at the same time, if someone says "Merry Christmas!" to me, I don't get mad, either. There are much more important things to worry about than what the clerk at Lowe's said to you.
The Entitlement.
Like I said, I love getting presents as much as the next person, but I don't expect anyone to get me anything in return. If I could, I would give everyone I know a Christmas present, but I simply can't afford it. I really wanted to get something nice for my boyfriend's whole family, particularly his sisters, but I simply can't afford it. So, I understand that my friends are probably in the same boat. No one has to get me anything for Christmas.. but if anyone really wants to, maybe you guys can all chip in for this.
No, what I mean is... People have come to expect so much from the people in their lives, and they get so mad when the gifts don't live up to their expectations. The economy sucks. Be happy they thought of you at all... And teach your kids to be humble... none of this "I want, I want, I want" bullshit.
The Maddening Crowds.
Every year, I read about someone who got trampled or pepper sprayed trying to get the best deal on the new iPod-Sync'ed-Tickle-Me-Justin-Bieber-Doll. It is ridiculous how people turn into such animals to save a few dollars on things they don't really need. I shop online. I also use my connections to get discounts for services and stuff, but I know a lot of people can't do that. I mean, not everyone has a best friend who runs a bar/restaurant, another friend who gets you ridiculous discounts on clothing, and a third who is a licensed massage therapist... not to mention all the other business owners and bartenders I know... But that aside, shopping online is a great way to save money... and avoid personal injury.
Gaudy Decorations.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas Decorations. LOVE THEM... though, admittedly, if it were up to me to put them up every year, we wouldn't have any. I'm too damned lazy. But that's another topic... I'm talking about the hideously gauche displays some people put up:

This is just ridiculous.
Source.

Mismatched lights. I really hate it when people have different kinds of lights on the same tree or on the house. Or when they have one strand of blinking white lights and a strand of multi-colored lights.
All Blue (Blue, really?) Lights/Non Christmas lights (neon pink, purple). I get that some people like that sort of thing, but I don't. And I'm judging you.
500000000 plastic candy canes, 15 snowmen, a nativity scene, giant plastic candles, and a blow up snow-globe... on a 30x30 yard.

Ask Kat: Dating 101

2011-12-05T05:09:00.001-05:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am entirely unaware as to why readers write in with relationship questions -- I am, if anything, the poster child for what NOT to do in a relationship, but they do.

I guess it's because I won't sugar coat things. I'll tell you if you're being a fuck up. And let me tell you something: Most of you are fucking it up.

Until very recently, I was pretty much unhappy no matter what I did in regards to my dating life. I was miserable alone, I was miserable with boyfriends (and subsequently making them miserable), and it took me a long time to realize that just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean all the problems you're facing in the rest of your life are going to automatically go away.

Step one: Fix yourself.

I know that seems like a bitchy thing to say, especially since I'm always going on about self acceptance and learning to love people the way they are. Let me clarify: There are things about yourself that you have the power to change. It's up to you whether or not you want to. If you do, great. If you don't, great. But understand your willingness to fix these things can help or hinder your overall happiness, and thus, hinder any chance you have at a relationship.

If you're depressed, focus on figuring what, exactly is making you depressed. Find the root of your problems before you burden someone else with them.

Step Two: Understand what you want.

Relationships are built on compromise. People who are unwilling to compromise are people who will ultimately end up alone. So, I propose you make a list of 10 things you think you absolutely have to have in a partner. If you can find someone who embodies all 10 of those things, I will give you the rights to this blog. Cross at least three things off your list. I'm not saying you have to settle, I'm saying you have to understand that no one on this earth is perfect, and sometimes, you need to reevaluate certain things.

Step Three: You're not going to like this one.

Attractiveness is great ... but it fades. Your best bet, and I've been told this many times by people in my life, is to find someone you can talk to. I'm not saying go out and find the ugliest person you can, and strike up a conversation with them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone attractive, nothing at all. I'm simply saying, don't date someone just because they are attractive. The grade school adage holds true: Looks are only skin deep. The better you can communicate with someone, the happier you will be. If it so happens you meet someone who is great looking AND you can talk to them, then I am very happy for you. And secretly a little jealous.

Step Four: Communicate Often.

The beginning of a relationship is often passion and excitement as you court one another and dance around the bigger, deeper issues. When the levity fades, and things begin to get real, a lot of people forget one simple thing: Talking to your partner is going to make all the difference in the world. When something bothers you, say so. I'm talking to men AND women here. Avoiding a confrontation is only going to make it worse. And, at the same time, when something makes you happy, tell your partner. Never forget how important keeping the lines of communication open can be. And when your partner tries to tell you something, no matter how silly you may think they are being, listen. It's considerate. Listen to what they have to say before you make any decisions.

And, finally...

Step Five: Don't be afraid.

Fear is a big problem I face in my current relationship. I've had so many BAD relationships (almost-ships, whatever) that I was almost scared to start dating again. When I met my boyfriend, I took one look at him and wanted the run the other way... not because he's scary looking, but because I could see myself falling in love with him, staying with him... and it was fucking terrifying for me. I think that the problems we have (however few they may be) stem from insecurity... I spent a lot of time constantly afraid to let my guard down, afraid he was going to leave me because of some stupid little reason. It's hard to be genuine when you're scared. Let the chips falls where they may.

One last piece of advice: Don't be with someone just to avoid being alone, either. That's never the answer. Being alone is okay, because if you're with the wrong person, you might miss the right person when they come along :-)

Things Never Go According to Plan Around Here

2011-11-29T18:33:00.001-05:00

Well, my dearest ones, (do I still have any readers? I don't even know) I had planned to start doing a segment called "Make Up Monday" leading up to the holidays to show you guys everything from some fun, funky looks to classic old Hollywood Glam that would translate from office parties to friendly cocktail gatherings, and then... life happened.

First, I somehow picked up a rash on my arms and under my chin/on my neck, so there is no way in HELL I am going on camera until that clears up. Then, I got a migraine, so I couldn't even look at a computer screen for more than 5 minutes. I still have a headache, but thankfully not as bad as it was.

The rash on my arms has cleared up a bit, but under my chin is still icky, so I'll spare you having to look at that. I have no idea what caused it, so I'm all paranoid. Can stress cause rashes? I've been stressing about some stuff.

Secondly, I had really hoped to write about WoW's 4.3 patch for a Warcraft Wednesday post, but with the headache and everything, I didn't get a chance to look around at much, so likely, I'll have to read the patch notes and go from there.

I'm looking to re-vamp my site again, so I'll probably spend the next few days working on that. I really want to clean up the site and have everything look smoother and neater. Also, if you're interested in advertising with me, please let me know. I have spots available for trade (for adspace or a plug on your site) or for purchase ($3 for a small ad, $10 for a banner ad).

Also, I'm looking for suggestions for Christmas gifts for my boyfriend's parents and three sisters. Anyone have any inexpensive, but quality ideas for people you don't know that well?

Thanksgiving and Whatnots

2011-11-27T12:45:00.001-05:00

This year, Boyfriend and I had Thanksgiving with his parents, sister and her fiancee. Dinner was quite delicious, with ham, turkey, stuffing, yams, green beans, and rolls.

I offered to make dessert, because baking has always been a soothing activity for me. One of the traditional Thanksgiving desserts is Pumpkin Pie, which I've never been a huge fan of. I opted instead to make a pumpkin cheesecake... This was originally Paula Deen's recipe, but I've tweaked it to suit my own tastes. You can find her recipe here.

Note: You will need either a 9 inch spring form pan, or (if you don't want to make your own crust) 3 "regular size" graham cracker pie crusts, because this recipe will yield a LOT of filling.
Crust:

1 3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs
3 tablespoons light brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 stick melted salted butter

Filling:

3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, at room temperature
1 (15-ounce) can pureed pumpkin
3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
1/4 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
2 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Directions:

Pre-heat your oven to 350 Degrees (f)

For the crust:
In medium bowl, combine crumbs, sugar and cinnamon. Add melted butter. Press down flat into a 9-inch springform pan. Set aside.

For the filling:
Beat cream cheese until smooth. Add pumpkin puree, eggs, egg yolk, sour cream, sugar and the spices. Add flour and vanilla. Beat together until well combined.Pour into crust. Spread out evenly and place in oven for 1 hour. Remove from the oven and let sit for 15 minutes. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 4 hours.

Note: I think my oven actually runs hotter than it says it does, so I only cooked mine for about 45-50 minutes and it turned out fine. You should check your pie at the 40 minute mark. If the filling jiggles, it's not ready.

I also made a new recipe this year, a sort of chocolate strawberry concoction, since I love chocolate covered strawberries. Actually, since I used Nutella, it's not really chocolate, it's hazelnut. Again, I've tweaked this recipe to suit my own taste, the original is here.

Ingredients:

1 chocolate pie crust (you can make your own using this recipe, but my grocery store didn't have any chocolate graham crackers in stock, so I used a pre-made Oreo pie crust and it worked fine)
2 lbs of strawberries.
3/4 Cup Nutella (or similar product)
1 (8oz) package of cream cheese
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 cup water
1/3 granulated sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch

Directions

In a medium bowl, beat softened cream cheese, powdered sugar and Nutella with a mixer on medium speed until creamy. Spread mixture evenly in pie crust. Stick that in the fridge for a bite while you slice and mash about 1 lb of the strawberries, or, you can use a pre-made strawberry glaze to save time. (if you do that, you'll only need 1 lb of fresh strawberries). If you use a pre-made glaze, skip down past the pink text.

Then, in a medium saucepan, mix the mashed berries, granulated sugar, cornstarch and water. Heat over high heat until boiling, stirring constantly. Continue to boil and stir for about another minute.

Remove from heat and cool in the refrigerator for about 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, slice remaining strawberries. When glaze is cool, pour over sliced berries and toss to combine.

Spoon strawberries into the pie pan. Refrigerate until ready to serve. It tastes quite phenomenal with whipped cream.

And that's how you do Thanksgiving Dessert, Kat Storm Style.

John Cleese's "Letter to America"

2011-11-22T23:51:00.001-05:00

via twitter

A while back, my favorite funny-man, John Cleese (who is not dead, contrary to rumor, and is in fact touring in his one Cleese show), posted this letter to the Citizens of the USA. I'm not sure when he originally posted this letter, but I just stumbled across it. I got a good giggle out of it, and just imagined how many rage faces the world over if this was actually enforced:

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,

but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will

be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

The "Game of Thrones" theme song makes me want to joust.

2011-11-22T01:02:00.001-05:00

I've been reading the "Song of Ice and Fire" books, more popularly known as "The Game of Thrones" books.

I started watching the TV show a few months ago, and decided (after the boyfriend whined that I really needed to read the books) that I needed something to fill the void in my literary and cinematic life now that Harry Potter is over.

The first book is the only one I've read in its entirety at this point, but I will say that it definitely left me wanting more.

If you have seen the show, it follows pretty faithfully with the book. Someone who has probably read the books 6 or 8 times would probably catch more little differences than I did, but for the most part, I was surprised at how well the show went along with the book.

If you have not seen the show, or read the books, SPOILERS exist below this line of text!

The only things that I really don't like about the series (and this could just be that weak feminine side rearing it's nicely made up head) are 1-- the constant murdering of interesting and charismatic characters, like Ned Stark and Drogo. I honestly loved the whole story between Danerys and Drogo, and now ... DEAD. 2-- The animals... bad things keep happening to them, and I really hate it. 3-- Ned Stark following the EXACT SAME PATH JOHN ARRYN FOLLOWED. Um, hello? Way to get yourself into trouble, Boromir.

Other than that, I have to admit that it's well written, even if George R. R. Martin hates happy endings. I'm currently reading "A Clash of Kings" and so far, I like it. As I progress with the series, I will post more thoughts about it, I'm sure.

What are you reading, Dearest Ones?

Things I'll Never Say, Part II

2011-11-19T10:22:00.002-05:00

I like watching you sleep. I like the sound of your breath as you dream about... Dragons and Orcs? I don't know what you dream about... but I like that reassuring sound, the sound of your breath. I like the weight of your body next to me in the bed, even if the bed is too small.

I like the way you smell, even after a long day of work.

I like the heat when I'm in your arms, the feeling of your chin resting against the top of my head. I like the reassuring feeling of your arms. You will protect me from demons, real and imaginary. I like that you would never let anyone hurt me.

I like the sound of your heart beat, slow, steady, strong. I know that as long as it beats, I have purpose, and I am loved.

I like that you don't care that I cry. Even when there's no good reason for it. You don't get mad because I go to pieces for no reason.

I can be myself with you. I can be myself with most people, but with you, I know that you won't pretend to like all of it just because it's me. I know you will tell me when I'm being a jerk.

And I could never say any of this, because you would do that thing where you roll your eyes, shake your head and cover my face with your hand before kissing me, and then promptly change the subject to anything but how great you are... but I could write it all down and put it on the internet for everyone to see because that's how I roll.

Sexy Danger Guy

2011-11-01T02:51:00.000-04:00

via

Lately, I've been watching the CW's "Vampire Diaries." VampDiaries was recommended to me by Netflix because I enjoyed Harry Potter and Interview With the Vampire. I don't really see the correlation there, but since I've enjoyed VampDiaries, I shan't complain.

Several other ladies I know via the Twitters, as well as La Pinata, also watch the show, and have expressed a lust for the character "Damon." To which I respond: "I don't get it?"

Not only do I not find Ian Somerhalder that attractive (especially compared to Steven R. McQueen or Zach Roerig), but I don't understand the concept of liking "the bad boy".

Why would you want to date someone who's a dick?

...Granted, I have dated a lot of dicks, but usually their dickish behavior wasn't immediately obvious. With Damon, it sort of oozes out of him from jumpstreet.

Now, not to give too much away for those of you who haven't seen the series, but Damon does have some redeeming qualities, and after you peel away many, many, many (read: Three season's worth) layers, you begin to understand his behavior... but in the beginning, he's just an ass.

But that got me to thinking, do these women, these girlfriends of mine, like him because of what's beneath his layers? And beyond that, do women date bad boys because they think they can change them, peeling away the layers to reveal the nice guy underneath?

Seriously, What's the appeal for "Sexy Danger Guy"?

Give me my safe, dependable, cuddly, loving boyfriend any day of the week... He lets me paint him orange, and doesn't put me in mortal danger.

How to Survive a Horror Movie

2011-10-31T06:10:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween, Readers.

Halloween is my favorite holiday, hands down. Last year, I wrote a post on "Surviving A Horror Movie". I thought I'd re-post if for my new readers, and to give the old ones a reminder that I did, indeed, used to be funny:

Should you find yourself at the Mercy of a knife-wielding psychopath, homicidal ex-boyfriend, vengeful spirit, demon, or a horde of zombies, I have some tips and tricks to help you stay alive, at least until the sequel.

1. Zombie Invasions: Common Sense Will Prevail
If facing a zombie invasion, head away from civilization. I know this feels wrong, but Zombies will be attracted towards large groups of people. Travel in small packs of 2s and 3s. Head towards the coast, or shore line. If you are land locked, look for a place with tall trees or dangerous mountains. Zombies are not adept swimmers or climbers.
Arm yourself. Guns are nice, but ammo is a finite resource. Bats, shovels, and other long, blunt objects make good weapons in the event of an invasion. Aim for the head.
If you have time to gather supplies, avoid perishables. Cereal, chips, canned food, bottle water.
Be prepared. The zombie invasion could strike at any moment. Stay near your car whenever possible, and keep the trunk stocked. Keeping blankets, bottle water, snacks, a first aid kit, a back pack, and other basic tools(Swiss army knife, can opener, matches/lighter, warm clothesand boots) in your car is a good idea in any case, but you'll be doubly glad it in the case of a zombie invasion.
It's useful to have skills such as lock picking, camping/survival training, and a basic knowledge of the area around you.
If you are able to get fuel for your vehicle, it's probably wise to get as much as you can when you can. The same with fresh water and food.
If you have children or someone elderly with you, you will move slowly. Take this into consideration and be calm and patient. A Zombie invasion is no time to snap.
Be wary of other travelers, because in the event of an invasion, desperation will cause the rules of society go out the window. They will target you for what you have, so its best not to advertise it.
Should you find your self at the mercy or a large horde of Zombies, remember their sense of smell is their strongest weapon, then their hearing. Zombies are typically depicted as blind, or having poor eye sight. Do your best to stay out of reach.
If someone in your group if bitten by a Zombie, there's nothing you can do for them. Leave them behind, or, if you have a gun, shoot them, and end it humanely.

2. Homicidal Ex-Boyfriend with a grudge: Be Smart
If you have a crazy ex, my best advice is to move. If you can't move, buy a dog. If you can't buy a dog, and you can't move, I suggest you learn Krav Maga ASAP.
Let your friends and family know that its over between you and him, and that you don't want him in your life. Let them know if you feel unsafe, and legitimately fear for your, or their, well being.
Arm yourself. Mace, a knife, a knowledge of all the pressure points in the human body... Give yourself a discreet, but powerful advantage.
Travel in groups, and avoid spending time alone, especially in unfamiliar territory.
Carry a cell phone.
Make sure someone knows where you are at all times, and arrange to check in with someone close by, a friend, new boyfriend, parents, on a regular basis.
Avoid having a "routine". Do things differently each day. Have alternate routes to work. Leave at a different time, each day. Getting to work an hour early once in a while is a small price to pay for being alive.
Document everything. Save every e-mail he sends you, have the phone company send you transcripts of text messages, and records of phone calls. Turn it over to the police, and file a report.
Change your phone number, and all contact info. Give express instructions of anyone and everyone who has your new info NOT to give it to him if he asks for it.
If you absolutely have to keep communication open with him (work related details, for example) let him know that all communication between the two of your is monitored. Tell your boss.
Google yourself periodically to make sure that unwanted information isn't out there for all to see. Make sure all your social networking information is private, and out of his reach.
Trust your instincts. If you are scared, call someone. The police would rather come to your house three times because you heard a noise, than one time because the neighbors heard screaming.
It may seem paranoid, but trust me, your safety is worth it.

3. Vengeful Spirit: Listen to the professionals.
Determine if it's a spirit or a demon. If it's a demon, move down to section four. To determine if it's a spirit or a demon, observe the situation. Do you see anything, or just sense a presence? If it takes a human form, it is most likely a Ghost, or spirit, but some ghost prefer to remain invisible. The best way to find out what you're dealing with is to simply ask. Move to the area where the presence feels the strongest, and in a loud, clear voice, ask the entity what it wants, and that you want to help it rest. If it's a demon, it will not give you a straight answer, because it wants your soul, and it will attempt to draw you in further. If it's a ghost, it wants peace, and to rest. Demons are more apt to possess a human body and to move objects. Demons also tend to have more impact on the balance of good and bad in your life. If you think you are experiencing a demon, move to section four.
Spend time away from the house. Ghosts are usually tied to the places they haunt.
Contact a medium or paranormal expert. They will come to your house and evaluate the situation. This may anger the ghost and the haunting may increase, or they may stop for a while.
Research the history of the area you have experienced the haunting. You may find clues as to why the ghost spends so much time there.
Take the advice of the professionals. Do not attempt to communicate with the entity using a Ouija board. Do not attempt to exorcise the spirit on your own. In the event you are wrong about it being a ghost vs. a demon, attempting to communicate with it can have disastrous effects.

4. Demons: Wear a cross.
Contact a demonologist. They will be able to help you.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE with the Demon.
Never, ever, EVER offer your soul to the demon.
If you start puking up pea soup-like vomit, consult a priest.

5. Knife Wielding Psychopath That Just Won't Die: Pay attention and don't do things half way.
Do NOT RUN UPSTAIRS. That's just stupid.
DO NOT HAVE SEX or DRINK ALCOHOL if you know one such person is hanging around.
Listen to the sagely old man warning you to get the hell out of town.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Acquire a gun. Load it. Acquire gasoline and matches. Acquire a shovel.
Acquire a hiding place. Wait there.
Shoot said psychopath in the head. Several times.
Soak the body with the gasoline. Do not take your eyes off the body. Set body on fire.
Once the body has burned to a charred crisp, remove the skull / head and set it aside. Bury the body/remains.
Drive several hundred miles. smash the skull into several hundred pieces. Bury them. except for one big one. Keep that. As long as you have it, on your person, Humpty Stabby can never be put back together again.

Too little, too late.

2011-10-20T21:26:00.002-04:00

I realized that today, I have become everything I swore to stand against. I wish I could take back the things I've said and done, but I can't. I wish I could justify my actions by saying I was protecting those I love, or trying to help someone be a better person, but I wasn't. It was all for my wounded pride, and I feel sick about it. It seems so weak and hollow to say it now, but I am sorry, for everything.

Kat Storm for President

2011-10-14T04:54:00.001-04:00

(caution, ignorant political rant below)

KAT STORM FOR PRESIDENT!

Not really. I could never be president.

I've sucked too much dick. (and I admit it!)

The conservatives would just as soon set me on fire than acknowledge me as a serious candidate.

I digress.

No, as much as I think I could seriously improve the state of affairs, and get this country off of the fast track from becoming a third world country, I wouldn't get elected. I've fucked too many guys, told too many lies, my ideas are too radical and my mouth is too filthy. And I would cut the shit out of congress's payroll... and I would tax the shit out of the rich. They would never go for that.

I mean, seriously. I lose almost 50% of my paycheck in taxes, health insurance and social security... Which wouldn't bother me QUITE so much if I didn't make a pittance to begin with.

Ten years ago, 40k a year for a household was considered good. Now it's pretty much considered the poverty line. Guess who doesn't make 40k a year? Not even close. But yet, I am paying a ridiculous amount of taxes to bail out delinquent CEOs who make my annual salary while they are taking a shit?

Fuck that. People are fucking greedy, and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that they would rather see this country crumble beneath them than adjust their lifestyle to help the greater good.

I've had to made changes to my life as taxes and prices go up, and each paycheck has to go a little further, even thought the amount of my paycheck has stayed the same for the last few years... I've watched companies bottom out, bail out and then give their CEOs ridiculous bonuses with money I work hard for.

I would love for one of those bastards to have to do my job for ONE day. It's not all playing World of Warcraft and Skyping with boyfriend. that's the great part of it. There are some really shitty parts of it... like the hours. 11p-7a. If one of my co-workers had not requested to work every single weekend, I wouldn't have weekend off. They pay is good for me, but it's not enough for me to support a family on, so I don't have one. I can't afford a family, literally. And then there are those asshole callers. The ones who are pissed off at the world and feel the need to take it out on everyone else. The ones who constantly insult my intelligence, and scream and shout at me because of their own incompetence. I would LOVE for someone who has been making millions annually to come in here and do this job.

Don't get me wrong -- I am so, so, so thankful to have a job, and I am grateful to my boss for the freedom she allows me and my co-workers. I am BLESSED. I am FORTUNATE. I know that. I'm simply saying that my job, however easy it may appear, has some serious rage issues attached to certain aspects of it.

And nothing, I repeat nothing, pisses me off more than knowing that no matter how hard I work, I will never make the money these assholes are given, while they continually fuck us all anally without lube.

You mother fuckers are seriously, seriously lucky that my sordid past would keep me from getting elected for president, because if I EVER, EVER have any kind of power, there are going to be a LOT of fucking changes around here.

Fuck. (one more for good measure.)

Techie Tuesday: Review of Blogger's New Layout Options

2011-10-11T04:12:00.001-04:00

Though I'm a fairly competent person when it comes to the internet and webpages, I've always loved that blogger makes it so easy to have a nice, neat, clean looking website.

Recently, among the Facebook-esq amount of changes Blogger in Draft has undergone, the option for a dynamic page was added.

The interface is smoother, and gives a site a more polished look. Here's what my site would look like with Dynamic Pages.

Its nice, right? Yeah. I like it, but (you knew this was coming) I have a few problems with it:

1-- Uh, where's my header? I worked long and hard to come up with it, and I would like for it at least be on the dang site.

2-- My widgets? No more social networking, reading list, etc? I like the fact that I can include that kind of stuff on my blog.

3 -- Colors. Grey is nice and all... but it ain't for me.

4 -- Navigation pages. I worked hard on my bio, charities, and people and places... And blogger is being a butt and won't show them. (there is an option to have them displayed, but it won't work for me. I don't know if I'm just experiencing a glitch, or if this is a blogger oversight.)

Thus far, there are no options to include/change these things in the dynamic pages layout.

Users are able to use any of the layouts they wish, so that's cool, but it can also lead to a negative user experience if they accidentally click on one that is too confusing for them to navigate.

Unless Blogger makes Dynamic Pages more customizable and includes navigation pages and widgets, I'll be still with with old layout. It's purty.

Make Up Tutorial: Cornucopia

2011-10-11T00:34:00.003-04:00

October is a great month, because my favorite holiday falls at the end... HALLOWEEN. It's a time when fantasy make up can really shine... this look isn't *too* wild, for me... But I can see it being a little much for some people. I call it "Cornucopia" because it has a lot of great fall colors.

This look works best with warm skin tones, and brown eyes, but as you see, I have a cool skin tone and green eyes, and I think it looks all right.

Pro Tips: Never try out a look for the first time when you have a big event (a job interview, first date, etc.) that day. If the look is unflattering, it can cost you needed time later.
Always test new products on your hand before using it on your face or around your eyes. Give it at least 24 hours before using it on your face.
Apply your eye make up before the rest of your make up. If you make a mistake, you can easily correct it with out messing up anything else on your face.

Here are the products you'll need:

(1) and (4): Hawaiian Rainbow Splendor eye shadow palette by Kleancolor - 505-1HT
(2) Hot Topic Eye Shadow in Orange. No product number on the container, but any light orange shadow will do.
(3) Revlon Perle "Sparkling Gold" -010
(5) Thumbs up for there being no 5.
(6) Maybelline Falsies Mascara
(7) claire's Designer Eye Palette, Roasted Chestnut

Brushes:

(1) Contour brush
(2) Small powder brush
(3) fan brush

Here is the Tutorial:

1. Prime your eyes. I used a light layer of Vaseline for easier clean up since I am going to be doing another tutorial later. You can use an eye primer or a vitamin E stick, as I've said before. I don't recommend using Vaseline unless you have a hard time getting your eye make up off at the end of the day and you don't sweat a lot.

2. Using the fan brush, apply (Ingredient 1) all along your brow bone, from corner to corner.

3. The darker orange will act as a base for everything else you're going to do to the eye. It doesn't have to be very neat because you're going to clean up the edges later anyway. Apply (ingredient 3) with your powder brush to the inner corner of your crease and brow bone, creating a gradient.

4. Using (ingredient 2), cover your lid from corner to corner, using the powder brush. When you're done, it should look something like this:

5. Along the natural shadow of your eye (the outer corner and the crease) apply (ingredient 7) with your contour brush.

6. Blend the dark brown and darker orange to with ( ingredient 4).

7. Apply mascara and eye liner (if desired)

There you have it.

Eye Make Up Tutorial: Ocean City Gold Rush

2011-10-10T04:06:00.001-04:00

There are going to be some changes here... There will still be blogs, but I have been thinking about including a lot more "How-To" Content... make up tutorials, gaming tutorials, and more "Ask Kat" (I'm still so surprised and flattered at how many e-mail questions I get from you guys. It makes me feel good to know that you value my opinion). There will be more content in general than there has been recently, and I'm going to try to get back into reading the lovely folks over there to the right, whom I've been seriously neglecting lately.

Today, though, I really wanted to show you guys an eye make up look that I've been working on. It's something I've been wearing a lot lately. Gold shadow is THE look on the red carpet right now, and I'm loving it. I'm calling this look Ocean City Gold Rush.

First I'm going to run through the products I've used. I'll provide you with a picture of each product, the brand name, the pigment number, and where I bought it. Then I'll show you step by step how to re-create this look. It takes about 10 minutes for me to do both eyes, but if you're doing this for the first time, allot yourself at least 20.

This look works best with warm skin tones, and brown eyes, but as you see, I have a cool skin tone and green eyes, and I think it looks all right.

Pro Tips: Never try out a look for the first time when you have a big event (a job interview, first date, etc.) that day. If the look is unflattering, it can cost you needed time later.
Always test new products on your hand before using it on your face or around your eyes. Give it at least 24 hours before using it on your face.
Apply your eye make up before the rest of your make up. If you make a mistake, you can easily correct it with out messing up anything else on your face.

Here are the products:

Click the image to enlarge.

Mary Kate And Ashey Sparkling Powder in "Sequin Dust". I'm not sure if this line still exists or not, I purchased the product at Wal-Mart about 5 years ago, and forgot I had it. I found it when I cleaned out my make up case and rediscovered how great of a product it is. If you can't find it, any loose white powder will do.
Revlon Perle 010 "Sparkling Gold"
Revlon Perle 045 "Black Galaxy
Hard Candy 277 "Lunar Eclipse"
Loreal HiP Studio Secrets Shade Duo 310 "Shocked"
Vitamin E stick
Maybelline Eyestudio Pigment Pot fgo15ek "Charcoal"
Maybelline Falsies Mascara. I used "Blackest Black" but any shade you desire will work with this look

You'll also need Shadow Brushes in various sizes, one with stiff slanted bristles (1), one with a pointed/tapered tip (2), and one for use with loose powder (3)

I was able to purchase everything pictured here at Wal-Mart.

Prime your eyes. You can use an eye primer, but since I have sensitive skin, and a frugal budget, I use a vitamin E stick from wal-mart, which costs about a dollar. Apply the primer all over your lid and brow bone. This will help the color stick to your skin.
Apply White Shimmer Powder under your brows to your eye lid, following the path of your eye brow. Make sure you get the corners of your eyes. You don't need to go as "bright" as I did, whatever you are comfortable with.
Using the "Black Galaxy" Shadow, trace the crease of your eyelid from the inner corner to the outer corner. If you want, cover a small portion of your brow bone on the outer corner to make a "wing".
Using the "Sparkling Gold" Shadow or the lighter gold shade in the shade duo "Shocked" (if you dont like glitter, this is probably a better choice) on your entire lid, corner to corner.
Using the "Lunar Eclipse" shadow, blend from the outer corner of your eye toward the middle. You are creating a gradient from the black to the gold, so blend carefully. Again, if you don't like glitter, you can use the darker portion of the shade duo "Shocked".
Using the light portion of the Shade Duo "Shocked", go over the white shimmer powder, starting from the outer corner, blending your way in. You want to keep the inner corner bright, while taking the edge off of the outer corner, so again, its like you're creating a gradient.
Using the Eye Studio Pigment Pot, line your lower lashes lightly, pulling the color out to meet the wing you created in step 3.
Apply Mascara.

Click image to enlarge.

Finished product.

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

2011-10-05T05:10:00.000-04:00

I was looking through my youtube videos from the last few years (there aren't many) and while it's mostly karaoke and shenanigans with TNR, Toast, and Courtney, the one video that stuck out to me was the one I made shortly after the Bearded Douche and I parted ways.

When I look back at how broken I was after he left, I can't believe I am the same person. I can't believe there is a part of me that is so fragile, a jerk like that could hurt me. When I look back, I can't believe I ever allowed myself to think that was love. I can't believe that I thought I should have to change to be loved.

Granted, a large part of the recovery comes from Egg Roll, and I'll never be able to thank him enough for being there for me. He reminded me that not everyone is a douche. Even though things didn't work out, he is still a great guy.

Another part of it was my friends. They rallied around me and lifted me up in ways I didn't think was possible.

It was a long road, and while it's only been six months, so very much has changed. I am not broken anymore. I am not weak. I am not that girl anymore.

I wondered for a long time if what happened with BD was affecting me in ways that weren't immediately obvious to me. I wondered if it would ruin me, if it would taint any future relationships I tried to have.

I spent a lot of time on my own in the days immediately after BD and I had our big fight. I was alone with my fear that I was unlovable, undesirable, unwanted. That was a mistake.

I don't ever want to be that girl again. If things don't work out with Mirus, I don't ever want to fall into that pit of despair again.

It's amazing how it felt so Earth shattering at the time, and now I barely give him a thought. I would like to be a fly on the wall on occasion, but that's mostly because I enjoy the misfortunes of those who hurt me... and Karma certainly seems to have my back... but its mostly in passing.

So, where did that fragile broken girl go? Is she still inside me? Did she become strong again, or did she leave completely? I am sure she's a lovely person, but I never want to see her again.

Clean Slate

2011-10-03T06:57:00.002-04:00

It's a new month, and I am bound and determined to start things anew, and that includes my blog!

I have news!

I might possibly be in a music video for the one and only Ally Burnett in a few months. There's an open call for anyone who would like to help with the video. Details are here.

Also, some of my Storm Chasers all ready know, but here is the official announcement: I have begun seeing someone. We went Facebook official last week, though we've been seeing each other for almost 3 weeks.

I feel that this picture makes his face look much more crooked than it actually is. So far, everything is truly wonderful, but I always say that in the beginning, don't I? Heh. Well, anyway, since this is a clean slate, I shan't be dwelling on any of the past bullsnap. His official Mascara & Microchips alias is "Mirus", which is Latin for "wonderful". Don't give me that look.

HWoww gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl last week as well. "My Precious" is doing fine, hamming it up for her Auntie Kat, who has done nothing but take millions of pictures of her.

And give her a giant teddy bear that is three times her size.

I have been working towards a resolution with all of the anger I've been feeling towards you-know-who, and while this month is supposed to be a clean slate, I know that I still have a long road ahead of me in the "letting go" process. It's been almost six months, after all.

As to not end on a down note, I'm going to post another picture of myself and Mirus, because he has made me so happy in the last two weeks.

Dating 101: Ask Kat, Volume VI

2011-09-27T00:12:00.000-04:00

source

Readers write in on occasion, and I answer their questions, concerns and queries with the power of the Internets. People often come to me for dating advice, probably because I've done so much of it over the years that I've become something of an expert on what not to do when dating gets tough. Here are some of the latest questions:

Kat, I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks. We really like one another, and everything is really great. Or was, I should say. He said he was sick one day, then I didn't hear from him for almost a week. He e-mailed me to say he dropped his phone in the toilet and didn't have the money for a new one, and then he's been in contact with me via e-mail ever since, but we haven't hung out. Something just doesn't feel right. What would you do?

Dear Reader,

Well, first of all, take into account that Life Happens. Then, take a deep breath. People have all kinds of things going on in their lives, and if you haven't been dating one another very long, I wouldn't expect him to include you in every single aspect of it... but on the other hand, if he really likes you as much as you say, then he should have made more of an effort to contact you. The phone thing is suspect because a lot of guys will use that as a crutch to avoid potentially confrontational situations... but, on the other hand, speaking from personal experience, Verizon is a dick, and water damage to a phone isn't covered by a warranty. Most of us don't have a couple of hundred bucks lying around between pay days.

My advice to you is this: Calm down, and give it a few days. Don't do what I call "the crazy" and fly off with a bunch of accusations. That will only push him further away. Instead, e-mail him, and tell him to call you when he gets his phone straight. Be sure to include your number, just in case. If you don't hear from him in a week, or he just e-mails you more excuses, I would cut my ties and move on.

Dear Kat,
You mentioned several weeks back that you get a lot of negative comments about your blog. What keeps you from letting it get to you?
Sincerely,
Beaten Down
(this isn't a dating question, but I wanted to include it because I think questions like this should be answered)

Dear Beaten Down,

I suppose the best way to answer your question is to simply say: Me. I have always been picked on, from everything to my hair, to my teeth, to my weight. Once, a person actually went so far as to call my blog "a poorly written piece of elitist shit, written by an uglier knock off of Perez Hilton". And sometimes, things like that CAN get to you. But, I love blogging, and I love the positive feedback I get. I try to remind myself that the internet gives people the greatest and worst tool: Anonymity. It makes them feel like they can say anything, about anyone, and get away with it. If they have a bad day, they can take it out on someone who just happened to get caught in the crossfire.
If you feel like you're being targeted, or bullied, there are resources on the Charities page that can help you.
If it's simply a matter of people attacking you personally because they don't agree with your opinion on something, remember that people who do that just aren't smart enough to argue with the facts.

Kat-
My boyfriend is quick to tell me he loves me, but he often comes home late, forgets important things, and doesn't contribute much to the relationship other than financially. advice? -Lonely

Dear Lonely,

Tricky situation, since I don't have all the details. From what I gather, he's a man who provides for you, and tells you that he loves you, but he's often absent?

Well, on the one hand, he could be absent because he's providing for you. Or, he could be absent because he's spending time with his boys. That's a big distinction.

My number one piece of advice in any situation like this is to try communication. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Provide him with recent examples of the times you felt lonely. If it's his job, have things changed since you became a couple, or has it always been like this? You can hardly be mad at him if you knew what you were getting into from jump street, but if things have changed for him, maybe you should mention that to him.

If it's other things, perhaps you should find away to be included.

The important thing is that you remember that a person can SAY they love you all they want, but sometimes, they need to show you. If he's unwilling to try to compromise, or at least to communicate, then I'd say your best bet would be to move on.

Dear Kat,
Until about two years ago, I was a virgin. I've only had two girlfriends, and only slept with one woman in my life and I'm almost thirty. My current girlfriend is far more experienced than I am, and sometimes it makes me feel inadequate. I'm worried that she'll leave me because I'm not as good as her former lovers.

Dear Reader,

Oh come on. You think she'll leave you because you're inexperienced?

I'm sorry, I'm being insensitive. I can't speak for all women, but from a personal standpoint, sometimes a partner who isn't... seasoned... can be a good thing. That gives you the opportunity to teach them how to do things your way.

Some girls aren't big on "training" or "teaching"... and whether or not your current girlfriend is up to the task is between you and her. But, as always, I find talking to her would be your safest bet. It may not be a comfortable conversation, but that five or ten minutes could save you a lot humiliation and heartache.

I think as long as you focus on her, and learn what "makes her tick" and what she likes, you're in good hands, but you're not going to be able to do that without talking to her. Explain your concerns to her and ask for her patience while you "figure it out". Do your best, but also remember that you're only human. If she's truly worthy of you, she'll be patient. And remember, It's not the end of the world if every session doesn't end in a mind blowing orgasm... No one is perfect.

Remember readers, 90% of problems can be solved with patience and communication. Dating is like anything else, and you have to be willing to compromise and to talk through problems. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be dating.

You can always send me questions via twitter, facebook, e-mail, or by leaving an anonymous comment below. Unless you specifically tell me to use your name, all identifying information such as usernames and locations will be omitted when your question is posted.

So There I Was, Volume One

2011-09-24T06:04:00.002-04:00

As popular as rage comics are, I thought I'd jump on the band wagon. Funny things happen in my life that often don't warrant a whole blog post, so I thought I'd start making poorly drawn webcomics. If you guys like them, maybe it could be a regular thing. Here's the first one...

Obligatory Rant about Mark Zuckerberg.

2011-09-21T08:48:00.002-04:00

The Facebook has become more like me than I care to admit, changing things around every five minutes. The difference betwixt us two is that my changes are always awesome, and The Facebook's... not so much.

As a computer nerd, I find that I get really angry at websites with poor designs. I often think "man, I could make this so much better." And Facebook is becoming no different.

You know what features I would like to see on facebook, instead of all this stupid "streamlining" crap they keep doing? Some of these features were, or are in small part, active on The Facebook, but imagine how much better MY vision would be:

Static Privacy Features -- Instead of changing up their privacy settings every two weeks, forcing us to go back through and reset everything, how about, by default, everything on a person's page is viewable by "friends only".
- The "Groups" function is a great idea for people who want to keep their drunken shenanigans away from their parents, kids, potential employers, etc. Perhaps The Facebook should include information about that on the homepage, instead of hiding it three sub-pages deep in the privacy settings.
- "Friends of Friends" being able to see your pictures is a terrible idea, unless you tag said mutual friend in the picture. I think that instead of either having to designate certain albums "friends only" and "friends of friends", The Facebook should allow tagged photos of said friend to be visible to their friends, but not the rest of the pictures in the album.
Post Status Editing -- Have you ever posted a status and immediately noticed (after it's live, of course) that you made a typographical error you just didn't catch before? Wouldn't it be nice if there was an option to edit the text of the status?
Total Redesign: A Home Page and a Separate News Feed Page -- Instead of landing on just your news feed, you would land on a tabbed page that would open to your news feed, but the other tabs would say "Home Page" and "Profile." On your home page, there would be all these lovely headers: Privacy and Permissions, Account Settings, Applications and Games, Friends and Groups, E-mail and Mobile Settings, Subscriptions and Edit Profile. Beneath each header, there would be links.
- Privacy and Permissions would have links like, "Control who can see your profile and pictures, post on your wall", and "Who can find you in search", "Tagging and Check Ins",
- Account Settings would cover user names, passwords, e-mail, and that sort of thing.
- Applications and Games would obviously control which third party applications and facebook games had access to your profile.
- Friends - An alphabetized list of groups you belong to, groups you have placed your friends in, and then your friends, not a chronological list of when they last updated their profile. From this page you would be able to unfriend and/or block someone (you would also be able to do it from their page specifically), send them a wall message, Or change which group they are in.
- E-mail and Mobile Settings would be easy set ups for cells and other mobile devices, and would control what was sent to you outside of The Facebook
- Subscriptions would be paged you "liked" or "became a fan of", and all the ramblings and rantings of famous people would be here. Maybe there would be an option to integrate them with your regular news feed.
- Edit profile would have the specific sections of your profile listed so you could edit them easily from either your profile page itself or from the edit profile link on your home page.
This about how much easier it would be to have all of this information linked in one place instead of hunting all over your profile to find things. "Rockmelt" might not have caught on, but the interface idea was pretty neat. Also, statically at the top of each page (excluding friend's profile pages) would be the status box, where you type in your status, with the options for picture, video, or links.
Unsubscribing to Posts -- We've all been there, we've commented on someone's status, usually someone we don't know that well, to be helpful or supportive... and then we get a notification every single time someone else comments on it? It would be awesome if, after commenting (or after you got bombarded with notifications from people you didn't know), you could just click unsubscribe, and bam! no more notifications.
A Normal News Feed -- At 8 pm, I did this, and then at 9 pm, I did this. None of this "top post" or "popular stories" crap. A chronological log of what your friends were doing, when they did it.
Tagging Permissions -- Lately a lot of my friends have been tagging me in posts... YOURE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL... and pictures "THE CUTE ONE, THE TALL ONE", etc. Those are cute, sure, but I know a lot of people don't much care for it. You should be allowed to select whether or not you want to be tagged by certain people, or for things you've been tagged in to be approved by you before appearing on your profile.
Static Email and Mobile Policy -- You fix this options once, and The Facebook NEVER changes them again. "I want to be emailed about blank, I want to be notified mobile-y about blank, I don't want any notifications sent to me about blank." That's it. Facebook never changes them.
Not selling information to third parties without permission from us -- There should be an option people can select, and it should say, in plain english, not a ton of legal jargon, that if you select to do so, facebook will share your information with other companies. It should name specifically who, how much information, and how long this information is retained. If The Facebook can't handle that, it shouldn't be selling people's information. People who opt out of this selection shouldn't have to worry that their info is being used. Additionally, The Facebook should only allow a person's default picture, current city and facebook link address to show up in a google search. Nothing else, no other pictures or information. When a person changes that, I know it can take several days for the information to process through the search engine, but facebook should make the old information unavailable as soon at its changed.
The Search Box -- Instead of trying to guess who you're searching for, Facebook should just let you type it in and hit enter, then show you the results. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to The Skank's page when I meant to go to another person's page with a similar first name. Just because I USED to go to her page all the time doesn't mean I still want to. You don't know everything, The Facebook. Also, let's put the search box over on the side somewhere, by the tabs, so that people stop confusing it with the status box and making their status "Kat Storm".
Custom home pages -- You should be allowed, at the very least, to select a color to make your home page. All profiles would be the same, but home pages could have color. Blue makes people very depressed. Then again, so do all these bullshit changes.

So, That's what *I* think would make The Facebook better (short of EVERYONE calling it "The Facebook") What about you, readers? What improvements would you like to see, and which ones do you absolutely hate?

Kat Storm Returns

2011-09-20T01:27:00.003-04:00

Hello Dearest Ones...

I had planned on taking a month off to organize my thoughts and get myself together... But I find that blogging is one of the things that helps me get myself together.

First, I wanted to separate myself from all the animosity I felt towards Chelsea. I decided that since I couldn't separate myself from it, I would at least separate YOU from it, so I created a separate blog for it. A lot of people wonder why I don't just let it go; she'll be leaving in a few months, and our fair hamlet will be rid of her once and for all... but I honestly can't stand someone who abuses people I care for, verbally or otherwise. I find it hard to back down until I get what I want, and what I want is for her to stand up and tell each of my beloveds to their beautiful faces that she is sorry for all she said and did. I know it will never happen, she's deluded herself into thinking I'm just a pathetic, jealous hater, and that she has no need to apologize... so be it. Then I will continue to post my thoughts on her misfortunes and foolish choices on my tumblr. Because, "tumblr is for sharing ideas and things with people", right?

There was also the issue of the break up between myself and Egg Roll. I know, it came as a shock to a lot of people, but as for me, I had felt that way for a while. He is a great guy, but we bickered and fought all the time, and I really didn't have the patience or the energy for it. It was cute at first, but after a while, it grated my nerves raw. I wish him nothing but the best and I hope he finds a girl worthy of him.

Since the break up was, for the most part an amicable one, I also wanted to take some time away from blogging so that he wouldn't have to read anything that may hurt him. Namely, that I have begun dating again. It's been about a month since we broke up, and in that time, I've done some soul searching. There's nothing concrete to report, I've been out with two guys in the last few weeks, and they both seem very nice... More on it as it develops, I suppose.

Work has slowed down as the temperatures cool off, though tempers themselves have not. I've been told to shove a variety of things up my ass lately. I'll pass on that.

Fuck that.

Writing remains about the same. I have ideas, but I haven't been able to start anything. I'm still working on it... Perhaps I should cancel my World of Warcraft account and staying the hell away from Reddit for the time being.

My social life, which sort of died while I was dating Egg Roll, because I spent most of my days off with him, is returning slowly. Even La Pinata said "I don't like Relationship Kat. Single Kat FTW".

So now, I come to you, my 68 remaining readers... Would you like to read about my day-to-day life, or would you like me to stick to topical rants? I'm pandering to you, my dearest ones.

Haitus

2011-09-08T23:55:00.003-04:00

My Darling Readers,

It's been a long and groovy trip. I've been blogging for almost thirteen years, and in that time, I have met some really amazing bloggers. I've been involved with some really great things, including Love Harder and DC Blogs. I've experienced a lot of joy and laughter from all the wonderful blogs I get to read every day.

But I also think that blogging might be interfering with my writing. I don't know if that's true, there could be a myriad of other things it could be, but we'll see.

I'm taking a small break from blogging for a bit, probably just a few weeks to a month. When I come back, I think that the tone of the blog will probably change. I think instead of thinking of topical things to write about, it'll be more of a journal or diary for a while. There are a lot of thoughts in my head, and a lot of things I haven't written about because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the people involved... but holding it in, isn't good either. But I still need time to organize my thoughts... and I need to focus on writing, actual writing, because that's the important thing.

I know that I've said it before, but it bears repeating: Thank you for every single comment, encouraging word, twitter shout-out, blog plug, stumble, facebook share, retweet, purchase of books, shirts, and other merch, thumbs up, and everything else that you guys have done for me. I have the best readers/fans in the world.

See you soon.

Love,
Kat

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Things I Wish The World Knew, Part II

2011-09-06T06:54:00.001-04:00

What you're looking for is always in the last place you look because you fucking stopped looking for it. Who keeps looking for something after they find it?

For every person who likes you, there are three more who, if you were on fire and they had water, would drink it, and only one of those people will tell you to your face.

And more than double that for the people who spend any time gaming, blogging, or posting on message boards... but they'll all tell you to your... E-Face.

Anonymity is both beautiful and tragic. Like Lindsay Lohan.

Fairy tale endings exist in books. In the real world, there is no such nonsense, so stop looking for it. Find a person who doesn't make you want to cry when you look at them, who can carry on a conversation, and who has similar interests. Then, consider yourself lucky, because millions of people don't even get that.

Justin Bieber exists, and Bieber Fever will never go away until teenage girls realize that he likes cock.

People become famous for being famous and get reality TV shows for failing to do what the rest of us do every day: Get our shit together.

Celebrities do crazy shit. They name their kids stupid things. They are removed from reality because we put them on a toadstool. I mean pedestal. But don't stop printing tabloids because I love that shit.

There is no such thing as finding the right way to tell someone you love them. You say "I love you." If you can't say that to them, then you don't love them.

Voldemort was born from love that was a lie, that's why he could never understand love. Snape was born out of a broken love, that is why he could never be with the woman he loved. Harry was born out of a love so strong, it transcended death, and that it why he succeeded when others failed. The lesson here is be honest and love your kids, or they'll grow up to be dark wizards and death eaters.

StumbleUpon is a gateway drug that will lead you to Reddit and 4Chan, sucking away your soul slowly. Parents, talk to your kids about stumbling before it's too late.

Some people respond to swift kicks in the ass, and some people respond to knocks upside the head. It's up to you to figure out which end they're talking out of.

Lying is for people who don't have the courage to accept consequences for their actions. And writers.

If you believe in God, you may as well believe in Unicorns. There's actually more proof that they exist.

Source

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Porn and Disney

2011-09-02T01:51:00.000-04:00


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I came across this picture a while ago, and saved it to my hard drive, as I often do when something strikes me particularly funny. I stumbled across it again today, and I got to thinking about who true it was.

Disney and Porn movies give people unrealistic expectations about relationships.

So, ladies, the next time you start whining about wanting a prince charming, consider this:

Most Disney princesses were virginal, kind, beautiful young women with hearts of gold and impossiblely tiny waists. When you look like, act like, and can hit a high C note like a Disney princess, then you may complain about not finding a prince.

And guys?

You're not hung like a porn star. Not even close. Don't even lie. Though, I do know an insatiable whore, if you don't mind really piss poor blow jobs. (#Heresay)

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Selfish

2011-08-29T05:37:00.002-04:00

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Irene left me much as she came to me, only the trees around Lucille and Daquan's house are a little less in the branch department. By and large, we were immensely fortunate on the Eastern Shore. We didn't even lose power in my little corner of the world.

As folk all over the Delmarva Peninsula prepared for what we all though would have been the Storm of the Century, two old friends met for a midnight snack at the local Denny's.

"It's been too long." I said to H-Woww, looking at her 8-and-some-odd-months-of-baby-stomach. I had last seen her a month previously, but it seemed so much realer now. The invitations have been sent out, the baby shower is in two weeks. It's really happening. My best friend is having a baby.

I have other friends with kids, most of whom I met after the pregnancy, but if anything reminded me of my own youth (because I'm selfish) slipping through my fingers, it was looking at the girl I have known since prepubescence preparing to bring a life into this world.

Over the course of half a grand-slamwhich, two handfuls of seasoned fries, and one slice of Peanut butter pie, we discussed her life and what I've missed. I wish that I had been around more during her pregnancy, but with her work schedule, and mine, its not been easy. They had to actually close off our little island and evacuate us all for her and I to have a few hours to sit down and catch up.

She told me that she and her mother had done their best to prepare for the hurricane, but that the promised help from her boyfriend, the baby's father, had not come because he was out with his friends, and also helping his ex-girlfriend's mother prepare for Irene.

You read that correctly. Not the woman carrying his child, and her disabled mother, but the mother of a woman he is no longer tied to. You can imagine my displeasure.

Throughout the 15 + years that Hwoww and I have been friends, I have struggled with one inalienable truth: I love her too much. I may not be a great friend, sometimes not even a good one, but I have always maintained that she is my best friend. We know each other better than any two sisters, and there is no subject that is taboo between the two of us. I know that she is a good person, a kind person, a sweet person, and does not deserve to be brushed aside by anyone, let alone the man whose child she is carrying.

Her boyfriend is six years younger than us, so I suppose "being twenty" accounts for a certain amount of his immaturity. "Shit is starting to get real for him." I said to her a few months ago as we had lunch together on her birthday, after she had expressed fears that he may leave her. At the beginning he thought it would be fun to be a father. Now he's starting to realize how serious it is, and how much of his life is now tied to HWoww.

I worry for her constantly. I know having a child is going to change so much, and I worry that she may try to stay in a relationship that doesn't work for the sake of the baby... or maybe just out of the fear of being alone.

As I looked at her across the table, her face a little fuller because of the baby weight, but her brown eyes still as bright as they ever were, I idly wondered what was going to become of us, and our friendship. We had weathered a lot of storms, but this was the big one... Or maybe it would turn out that I am being just like the News People and freaking out over nothing. Perhaps I am just worrying to have something to do.

I miss being twenty-one with her. I miss going to bars and flirting with guys. I miss our silly, random ass conversations as we drove all over the Delmarva Peninsula on our crazy adventures. I miss being sixteen and sneaking out at 3 am to go to under 21 clubs. I miss being thirteen and jumping on the trampoline. Beach days and beach nights, road trips and stupid fights... She is so much a part of my past, my present, and hopefully my future.

It's not the end of the world. It's a selfish stand point to take, worrying how her child is going to effect me, I know... But I also wonder if this is the right thing for her to do... Some may argue it was fate, considering the circumstances... maybe now was just the time for her to have a baby. I applaud her for wanting to do something like this, even though children aren't for me... but when you think you know someone, and how they react to things... and they pull a 180 on you... It's unnerving. I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore.

I gave her the picture frame I purchased one day while I was at Wal-mart, just a small trinket for her to put a picture of the baby in, and we said good night. I don't now what I'll get her for her baby shower, something I'm almost dreading going to (again for selfish reasons)...

As I take inventory of my life, I wonder what I ever really did to deserve a loyal friend that continues to come back to me, no matter how long I am absent, or how selfish I am. I am so lucky... and I am so sad that I won't be as important to her once she has her baby. Then there will be someone else to chase after, to have adventures with. She will become one of the people I don't understand.

And I will still be the selfish one.

Maybe things won't change so much, we rarely see each other now, as it is... Life has gotten in the way before and our friendship has survived. Like the ocean and the sand, time and tide go in and out, but we remain... Maybe we can keep on standing. Maybe I really am just worrying to have something to do, like a nervous father-to-be pacing outside of a waiting room. Maybe the baby will bring us closer together. Maybe I can finally let go of my own hang ups about kids, and what Hwoww deserves, and let her live her own life, the way that's best for her... and I can just be a part of that joy.

The realization that I need to let go hasn't been an easy one to come to... because the older I get, the more I realize I need the people I knew when I was young, and there are so few of them left. Being a grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. Time ticks by, people change... and I need to stop living in the past. I am not seventeen anymore, and neither is she. She's moved on and made a life for herself. I should make an effort to be a part of it, and not limit myself to trying to stop it. You can't stop change. I want her to be happy, and it's time I understand that she has her own definition of the word. This is what she wants, and I need to respect that.

I'm just so scared of moving forward, I can't stop looking back.

What about you, Dear Readers, at what point in your life did you realize you were suddenly grown up? Did it make you sad, or were you happy about the change? Also, has there ever been a time where you almost wished you could deny a friend something you knew would make them happy, because that meant that things between you would change? Or am I the only one who is that selfish?

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

I'm All Shook Up

2011-08-24T02:21:00.003-04:00

As a ~~vampire~~ shift worker (and a damned fabulous one), I often miss what's going on in the world. I didn't miss the Earthquake, though.

The catastrophic damage of the quake

That's right, I survived the Great Quake of '11.

I was asleep when the quake started, but I woke up to my bed shaking. My immediate thought was "Oh God, I've been possessed by a demon, a la The Exorcist!" I was about to call the local branch of The Church of Catholicism to beg for an old priest and a young priest. Then I woke up a bit, and realized that one of my housemates had probably overloaded the washer and it was banging against the wall again, but when the shaking stopped, I thought "I wonder if it was an earthquake?"

It's rare, very rare, but not unheard of to have small quakes in the Mid-Atlantic region. I believe this is the first one we've had in my area since 1898 or something. It's pretty neat, and kind of scary to think about, considering the epicenter was all the way down in Richmond, and it wasn't that strong of a quake. Well, I read two different reports; one that was 3.8 and the other said 5.8... So, it was a moderately strong quake at the epicenter, I imagine.

I kind of hope Beardy is trapped under some rubble somewhere. Is that just completely horrible?

What were you doing when the Great Quake of '11 struck?

Fake News Stories about Kat Storm

2011-08-19T01:10:00.001-04:00

One day, perhaps there will be a section in US Weekly to rival Cate Middleton's, but until that day, I will make up fake stories to amuse myself at the expense of actual celebrities:

Reality TV star and notorious womanizer Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino is once again the subject of much ridicule and lampooning after allegedly approaching Kat Storm at a charity event last evening, pointing to his crotch, and asking the writer if she wanted to "get with this". Storm was unavailable for comment, but a witness at the event claims she responded "not with someone else's vagina." Sorrentino has purportedly been Storm Chasing since the 26-year-old novelist's book, High Heels & Hangovers, was optioned by MTV Films last year. Storm, who attended the charity event with gal pals Olivia Blois Sharpe, Britney Spears, and Sorrentino's cast mate, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, has never made a public statement about the reality star's advances, but sources close to her say that she is "disgusted" by Sorrentino's treatment of his female acquaintances on The Jersey Shore.

Multiplatinum singer/songwriter Taylor Swift may have material for a new album, although she may have a little trouble finding something to rhyme with "Kat Storm". On August 15th, the 21-year-old Grammy award winner approached 26-year-old Storm at a night club in Los Angles, where Storm was socializing with perennial side kick and "BFF", Olivia Blois Sharpe along with several other people. Eye witnesses accounts vary, but reports all indicated that Swift was quite angry about statements Storm had made on her website about Swift's song writing. After a heated argument, Swift's companion, an unidentified female, threw a drink at Storm. Olivia Blois Sharpe reportedly made the first blow, but soon it was a knock down, drag out girl fight. Bouncers from the night club broke the altercation up after several moments, but Swift says she will "never forgive" Storm for her words and actions, and reminds her that "there's nothing that [she does] better than revenge." Storm was unavailable for comment, but tweeted "I'm so scared, she might write a song about me!!" No charges have been filed at this time.

Kat Storm has become a royal pain for Queen Elizabeth II. Storm was seen leaving Prince Harry's London home last Tuesday morning, and returning later that evening by several photographers. The two have also been seen dancing together at night club in Prague. Storm and Prince Harry, both 26, have endured a lot of media scrutiny on their own, and together they have become a down right sensation. All ready gossip magazines are flying off the shelves with promises of intimate details of England's Bad Boy and America's Not-So-Sweetheart. The Royal Family is being typically tight lipped about the tryst, but insiders at the royal palace say that the Queen, unsurprisingly, does not approve of Storm's wanton ways, or her open use of the word Vagina. Whether or not the Redheaded Royal Rebel and the Duchess of Dirty Words make their relationship official remains to be seen, but one thing is for certain, and that is that Storm is being uncharacteristically private about the rumors that she may be joining Cate Middleton as the next fairy tale princess.

Feminists Everwhere Will Hate Me For This Post

2011-08-18T04:26:00.000-04:00

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I mean, come on... who wouldn't want to live like this?

Fuck gender equality.

I've been watching "Mad Men", and having not been alive in the 50s and 60s, I cannot honestly say that its an accurate depiction of life "back then", or if its just some team of writer's romanticized version of the era (probably the latter). However, after the week I have had-- Car problems, pet illness, and now my job has screwed up my paycheck (or given me a paycut and not notified me of it, I'm still waiting for the pay roll lady to come back from vacation so we can sort it out.) and being stressed out about said troubles -- I wish I lived in a world where the only worry I had was getting my husband's dinner on the table, or if the Piggly-Wiggly was out of Dish Soap. I want to wear pretty dresses and get my hair done once a week and chit chatting with girls while my executive husband was off making stacks of cash all day.

I know if things weren't a little overwhelming right now, I wouldn't say such thing. I just feel like I never get to get ahead in life. It would be nice for some dashing man in a suit to sweep me off my feet, scoop me up in my poodle skirt, and carry me off to a place where boobs are impossibly perky and pointy and everyone wore hats.

Basically, I just want to be irresponsible and not worry about work, or the car. I want someone else to baby me, and pamper me. But life doesn't work that way, and I have to pay my own bills and fix my own problems. That's the price I pay for wearing pants and being a writer, I suppose. I know that my personality wouldn't mesh with the strict social confines of the 50s... I'm simply too big, too loud, and too full of four letter words... but every once in a while, I just think:

Source

I could totally be her. (sigh).

Friendship

2011-08-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

What is friendship?

Friendship is a late night conversation that has no purpose; no direction. Friendship is an intangible force that transcends time, distance, and sometimes even meeting face to face. Friendship is knowing that you can tell this one person, this dopple, anything, and know that they will not judge you, even if they don't understand it at first.

Friendship is going six weeks without seeing the person, and picking up right where you left off. Friendship is never being afraid to tell the other person the truth. Friendship is a love like no other, the truest purest form of love.

Friendships can be simple, or they can be complicated, but the most important thing about them is that they have the power to lift us up when we're feeling down. Friendships are the most important part of our lives, and without them, life would be empty, meaningless.

So even though we've never met face to face, there have been many nights where I might have fallen apart without you to listen. Your loyalty and your effort in keeping in touch with me, even after all this time, despite your busy life. You're a wonderful person, and I love you.

Thanks for always being there for me, Jackie. You really are fantastic.

Relationship Categories the Facebook Should Include

2011-08-15T08:00:00.019-04:00

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Dear Facebook,
Please include the following relationship categories when you do your next Website Overhaul:

In a bromance with...
In a homance (like a bro-mance, but between chicks) with...
Having an extramarital affair with...
Has a poly amorous arrangement with...
Is the gay boyfriend of...
In a Wolf Pack with...
Is sleeping with, but not committed to...
Additionally, could you please allow users to be in multiple relationships? For Example, I am married to Courtney, Sleeping with Egg Roll, but clearly dating HWoww... My facebook cannot reflect this, and I really think the entire world should know that I am awesome enough to be in three relationships.

On a semi-related tangent, what do men with multiple wives put on their Facebooks?

I guess "It's Complicated" works?

Also, no, I will never stop calling it "The Facebook".

A Hero's Call: Prologue

2011-08-15T03:31:00.001-04:00

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Dear Marcus,

People will tell you, and I am sure that this is true in many cases, that heroes are not born. They are made by circumstance and chance. What we do in the right moment will define how we are forever remembered by those around us. It is often the choices we make in an instant that prove what we are made of, show who we are inside.
    In your case, this is only half true. You were born for something greater, a purpose that you have served beautifully, and though your fight is not yet through, it is with a heavy heart that I must leave you.
    You must take up your father’s crown and lead your people through the dark times they will soon face. The battle is won, but the war is not yet over. If you abandon your people now, Ren will fall as surely as if it were Maelen’s will. This is not only the moment where you will be forever defined, but the moment that will define what is to become of Ren. The people need a hero, Marcus, and you, and you alone, must answer that call.
    It is not without regret that I return to the Mistlands with my people. I cannot stay here in Fiya. Tenebrae is destroyed, and any elves who are foolish enough remain are hunted and slaughtered. Ren is certainly not ready for an alliance of any sort, and they will riot against you if they are asked to bow before an Elvish Queen.
    My love for you is eclipsed only by my desire to see you fulfill your own true purpose. I pledged an oath to your mother, and I have kept my word that I would deliver her last gift to you.
    I did not know that night, when we met, that my heart would one day belong to you, but forever after, know that I will not love you for the rest of your life; I will love you for the rest of mine.

Eternally,
Galle

After much hemming, hawing, and tantrum throwing, I decided the best way to start my novel was with a letter. A little background on the character that wrote the letter, Galle, is that she is an immortal Elf (Tolkien-esq, since I'm nerd like that), writing to her lover, a mortal human, after a war has broken out, and the Elves abandoned their home. Though it seems like it might be, this isn't so much a love story as a story about a man who is torn between what he wants to be, and what he must become.

So, having read this prologue... would you read the book?

Five Beauty Myths You Shouldn't Buy Into

2011-08-10T08:37:00.001-04:00

1. Acne is caused by diet.
Negative. Acne is caused by bacteria and genetics. Wash your face before bed, and keep your hands off your face. Sleep with a clean pillow case or a clean towel on your pillow is you don't want the hassle of changing the pillow case every day.

2. Shaving makes hair grow back thicker.
Negative. Shaving cuts hair off around the middle of the follicle. In the beginning, your hair is not the same thickness from one end to the other, it's actually the thinnest when it breaks the surface of the skin. When you shave, you cut it, you're cutting off the thin part, so when it grows back it FEELS thicker, but its really not. If you let it keep growing, it'll be the same thickness from on end to the other. If shaving made your hair continuously grow back thicker, we'd all be a bunch of wolf-people.
"Hair that hasn't been cut grows to a point," says Heather Woolery-Lloyd, a dermatologist in Miami. "It's widest at the base and narrowest at the tip." When you shave a hair, you cut it at the base. The widest part then grows out, and the hair appears thicker. But shaving doesn't change the width, density, or color of hair.
3. You Should Brush Your Hair With 100 Strokes Every Day
Negative. This can actually damage your hair. Repeated tugging, no matter how gentle, can pull out hair. A few - Very gentle - strokes will help distribute your hair's natural oils and give it a better shine factor, though.
4. Drinking Water Keeps Your Skin from Drying Out
Negative. This is a huge myth. While drinking water is good for you and your organs, it won't do much for your skin. If you're seeking moisture, Petroleum jelly is one of the strongest moisturizes out there, because it causes your skin to retain its natural oils. This also means it may clog pores, which can lead to break outs. Washing your face with a mild cleanser before applying Vaseline may help prevent breakouts and moisturize skin.
5. Toothpaste is a Great Fix for Pimples
Negative. While toothpaste is a drying agent, and a quick fix for a troublesome zit, the ingredients in toothpaste can actually damage your skin if left on for an extended period of time... and it can also cause over-drying, which will leave your skin over-producing oil... leading to more zits. Don't put toothpaste on your skin.

Wither, Blister, Burn & Peel

2011-08-08T00:05:00.004-04:00

Hello my dear ones! I have missed you! Did you miss me? ...Don't answer that.

I have been busy trying to figure out what would bring more fulfillment to my life, and thusly chase away those "Blah!" feelings that had been looming over my head.

I've been working really hard on a the draft of "A Hero's Call", trying to figure out how I want to tell the story, and how I want to present the characters, but I still feel really burnt out on writing. I've always heard people say that if you're meant to be a writer, you'll always love it... I feel like I'm married to writing, but the passion has waned from our relationship, and now we're just two people who used to love each other but don't anymore. Maybe in another six months, that will be different? I don't know.

I went to the beach with La Pinata this weekend and got ridiculously sunburned, and definitely got the shit kicked out of me by some very rough waves. It's amazing that I've been to the beach almost every weekend this summer and I'm still getting burned, even though I'm wearing sunblock with a high spf, re-applying, and it's water proof. My nose is actually blistered. Yes, this is a great look for me.

Egg Roll's birthday was last Friday, so I threw him a small party, with just the family. I made dinner and a cake. Spring Roll really charmed my parents, but then he can be quite charming when he wants to be. It must be nice to be five and adorable. He loves the kitties, and they like him, too.

I was talking with Juggs and he suggested that a change of scenery might be beneficial. Maybe that's something I'll think about in the near future. Where should I go, Dear Readers?

Aging Gracefully V. Aging Gracelessly: Celebrity Edition

2011-08-04T04:16:00.004-04:00

You may not agree with my opinions. And that's fine. But remember, the reason we pay celebrities, the reason we go to see their movies and buy magazines with them on the cover is because they look good. That's what we want... And that's their job.

Mickey Rourke, age 58

The classic cautionary tale about plastic surgery gone horribly wrong, Mickey Rourke was once a very handsome man. I'm sure that some women still find him attractive now, but it's likely those are the women who lived in the trailer park down the street from me when I was kid. I have no doubt that had events in his boxing career not led to multiple plastic surgeries, he would have indeed been a much better looking man in his late 50s.

This video shows the progression of Mickey Rourke from near the start of his acting career to fairly recent events.

While Rourke is not completely at fault for his transformation, I still have to rate him Graceless.

Sean Connery, Age 80
I'm fond of the phrase, "One You hit Max, You Stop Leveling" when it comes to Shawn Connery. The man has hardly changed in the last twenty years. Whether it be because he eats healthy, or because he works out, or maybe it was just the luck of the draw, James Bond is one sexy octogenarian.
His last starring role was in 2005, with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and with that, he retired from film. The last time I read about him making a public appearance was in 2009.
Safe from the public eye, perhaps. But not safe from the power of the Googles! Utilizing Google's Search Engine, I was able to locate this picture of Sir Connery, which claims it was taken in 2011:

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Compared with this picture of him taken around 1980:

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The man is a Time Lord. Of course...

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He's not entirely unchanged... But I still vote him Graceful.

Alicia Silverstone, 34

Our generation is shaped by pop culture, and one of the biggest commentaries on pop culture was Amy Heckerling's 1995 film, Clueless. It thrust Alicia Silverstone into our faces constantly, replaying on HBO more times than I care to count over the coming years. It seemed that the fresh faced young actress would go far... but with credits like the deplorable "Batman and Robin" and "Blast from the Past" on her resume, the actress was quickly forgotten about...
Until a few weeks ago when I discovered Suri's Burn Book on the vastness of the interwebs. I immediately had to read the entire thing. Several pages back, I discovered this picture of the New Mom, Alicia Silverstone herself.

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Now, maybe this is just an unflattering picture, at an unflattering angle... Alicia is only 34, but this picture makes her face look 54. I'm looking around for other recent pictures, but the only thing I could find was a pregnant picture, and no one ever looks happy when they're 8 and a half months pregnant. There were some from 2010, but they had been so air brushed, even I said "whoa, that's too much."

I read somewhere that she was on an all Vegan Diet. I really hope this is just an unflattering picture, or the world is going to start gorging themselves on meat and meat byproducts. I did find this picture, which isn't air brushed, but it still makes her appear a little older than I would think someone her age would look. However, it's not as severe as the previous picture.

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I reserve judgment on Ms. Silverstone until I determine the legitimacy of these pictures.

Keanu Reeves, 46

It has been said that Keanu Reeves's Appearence has changed little since his Bill and Ted days. I've always responded to that "Well, that's because his expression never changes. Hard to get all wrinkly when your face never moves."
The truth is, he has changed, but not much.

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As you can see, there was very little change in 14 years. He either has a very good plastic surgeon, or those Asian Genes are working overtime. (seriously, Egg Roll was showing me some pictures of himself when he was in his twenties and he looks exactly the same. It's an Asian Conspiracy.)

The ruling for Mr. Reeves is "Graceful". Perhaps that will cheer him up.

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Val Kilmer, 51
The Nipple Suited Batman was once considered one of Hollywood's sexiest actors... and I happen to agree with that. He was a pretty, pretty man.
Then I went to see "The Missing" and didn't recognize him. Iceman, what happened?

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Brace yourself, because it ain't pretty...

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I'm going to go lie down in a cool, dark room now. Wake me when this nightmare is over. Mr. Kilmer earns a "Graceless" from me.

Kirstie Alley, 60
Alley has had multiple, public battles with her weight over the years, and I applaud her for trying to so hard to get in shape, but also for being able to laugh at herself (eg: Fat Actress), but some of her OTHER choices are problematic.

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Alley has a beautiful face, and a wonderful brow arch that not even I, with my prodigious make up skills, can hold a candle to. I don't think that Blond hair is a good look for her, though, and she seems to think it is. It's not... At least, not all the time. She's had some dye jobs that look really good, such as this one:

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But she's had others that, coupled with her weight, make her look like one of those women I mentioned earlier. You know, the ones who find Mickey Rourke attractive. She needs to stay away from swedish bleached blonde, and be careful not to go too brassy.

If Kirstie can find away to get a hold of her weight and stick with it, and take more care in picking a hair dresser, (because honestly, the one she has now should be shot), then I'll change my ruling... but for now, she's earned a "Graceless".

Update: I read on Kirstie Alley's Wikipedia page that she's trying a new diet program and that, coupled with "Dancing with the Stars" has help her lose a significant amount of weight. Waiting on some new pictures, but if this is true, I'll change my ruling. Congrats, girl!

And now I ask you, my dearest readers, which celebrities do you think have aged the best? The Worst? Tell me in the comments.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

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Feeding the Trolls

2011-08-02T04:43:00.001-04:00

Occasionally, late at night, I get rather bored. I don't have much in the way of clients to deal with between the hours of four and six, and things slow down considerably. A few nights ago, I decided to try out a chat website and see what it was all about... I quickly remembered why I stopped going in to chatrooms years ago... but after a while, I decided to just start messing with people. Here are some screen shots of a few conversations I had. (note that I am the blue text):

This was after I told him his grammar sucked.

This was after I told this person that just because they don't
like my music, doesn't make it "shitty". Apparently, I'm the rude one.

I hate birds.

My avatar is a picture of Katy Perry.
apparently her cheeks match my cat.

Um.... What?

Self explanatory.

this was after the 5th time I declined to video chat with this person.

this was after I told him I wasn't interested in chatting.

She would. She has codependency issues.

This is where I started getting bored with the barrage of idiots.

Every once in a while, it's good to Troll a Troll.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day! Note: If you'd like to leave comment, but don't see the comment form below, click the title of this post. The Disqus comment form should then appear at the bottom of the post.

I'm Pretty Sure I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

2011-08-01T06:30:00.004-04:00

These are my grown up glasses.

Alternatively titled "Being Grown Up Isn't Half As Fun As Growing Up".

Between fighting with The Egg Roll, fighting with The Bearded Wonder, the never ending gossip and fallout from the Dagger Situation, feeling devoid of all inspiration, and thusly, the desire to write, and being exhausted from the Batman-like hours I have been keeping lately, it's really no surprise the last thing I feel like doing is taking inventory of my life.

Though it could most definitely be worse - and it has been, and I know that things could be even worse than that - keeping things in perspective at a time like this is difficult. I feel drained at the end of every day, and feel like doing little more than curling up in my bed and leaving my problems to fester and stew without me.

But that's not how life works. You can't roll over and avoid work, social obligations, bills, or your cats. Well, I guess you could ignore work and social obligations and bills... but try ignoring a cat some time.

The point is, problems don't go away if you ignore them. And while my problems are certainly not monumental, or even statue-like (see what I did there?), they exist, buzzing around my head like a worrisome fly that won't go away.

I decided that the best way to find fulfillment in my life was to get back in to charity work, work harder to market myself and my blog, to focus less on petty drama with exes and ex friends, and to attempt to find either a better paying job, or a job that pays similarly with better hours that doesn't leave me feeling quite so drained. I also need to work on communication with Egg Roll.

Hmm...What would Ru Do?

Great. How do I do that? It's really easy to point out a solution to a problem, but getting to said solution is never easy. Planning helps some, but it's not fool proof.

The "focusing less on the drama" thing alone is going to take a considerable amount of restraint, as I love to gossip. I can't help it.

Finding a new job? Haha... Yeah. For one, the job I have isn't bad, and I asked for the hours I have now, so I shouldn't complain. Any other job I could probably find in this area would probably be much worse, if I could find anything at all. Yay economy.

Well, it's like anything else, I suppose; One Step At A Time.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

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Another Brick in the Wall

2011-07-29T01:37:00.001-04:00

Maybe I'm just not meant to be a writer?

Frustration. That's what I feel whenever I sit down and attempt to write something more in depth than a blog or an e-mail. I have so many ideas; things that would make great stories, but no drive, no motivation to finish them.

My whole life, it's always been that rather than writing being the thing I'm best at, it's the only thing I'm good at. I can't sing, I can't dance, I'm hopeless with numbers, terrible with money, too impatient for still more school, and not smart enough for law school or medical school. It's so frustrating, knowing that the one thing you can do with any degree of competency may not be the thing you're supposed to do.

I used to say I loved writing, but the fact of the matter is, I don't. I never have. I love to sing, I love to swim, but any talent I may have had wasn't nurtured enough in my youth to become profitable in my adult life. And yes, at this point, I'd like to make actual money doing something, rather than the slightly better than minimum wage. But I have no idea where I fit.

I'm a good writer, and I know that. I always thought that some day, an idea would come to me, and I'd sit down at my desk, and a few months later, that idea would be a first draft... but nothing works. No matter how good people tell me something is, I'm never happy with it. Even when I know it's "good enough", it's still not good enough for ME. But my problem isn't my defeatist attitude about my own work... my problem is that I don't even know if writing it what I want to do.

I feel like I'm running out of time to decided. I'll be thirty in a few years, and I do not want to be doing what I'm doing now... But I don't know how to jump start my creativity and my passion anymore. I just don't know what to do.

I think, and I sit and I stare, and nothing fits together. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

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Slacktivists

2011-07-27T03:45:00.002-04:00

We all see it, every day. At least, I do. Without fail, at least one of my Facebook friends posts some diatribe that begs you to "re-post if you agree."

They range on all sorts of topics, political, social, economical, but it all boils down to the same thing: They've got opinions, by George, and they want you to know it. They're crusading for change! By doing nothing.

I'll admit, I've lost a lot of steam on my charities drives... I haven't done any real fundraising this year, aside from spreading the word about things. I haven't been to any events or participated in anything in the last few months, but I have in the past. I've marched, I've protested, and I will again in the near future. Oh, and I also vote.

I'm willing to bet that a lot of these people begging you to re-post their economic and political beliefs do not vote.

Honestly, what purpose does saying "Repost if you agree" serve? Big deal, you agree. What are you going to do about it? Congress isn't going to look through someone's Facebook page and go "Good Lord! they're Right!"

If you want to change something, utilizing Facebook to do it is great. It's a wonderful social networking tool that allows you to share your ideas with hundreds of people at once. So, how about instead of just asking them all to parrot your ideas, you use you Facebook to organize a protest, or a fund raising group? How about you get off your ass and stop feeling like you're doing some good in the world by sitting at your computer in between your Farmville crop harvests.

Stop being a fucking Slacktivist.

Rain on This...

2011-07-26T00:44:00.003-04:00

I was sitting at my desk at work, starring at the water-stained ceiling (when I was a kid, I always though those brown stains were from people throwing coffee at the ceiling...), waiting for a client to call me back, when my personal cell phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, but it was a local area code. Since it was after midnight, I could assume it was not a work related call or a telemarketer. I answered.

I shouldn't have... It was him. The Scourge of all things happy and fluffy. The man who reduced me to blubbering pile of ...blubber. You know who I mean. The one who had me hating myself for months. That guy.

The conversation started off civil enough. He asked how I was, which he never did while we were together, nor after immediately after the split. I was a little shocked to hear his voice, but I said I was fine, and that I had gotten new glasses. I don't really know why I said that. I should have just hung up when he identified himself. He was being civil though, so I thought I should try to be the same.

He went off course, though, first bragging about all the girls he had slept with since we were together. Yes, because picking up trash at the dive bars your unemployment supplemented ass can afford, banging them once, and then tossing them to the curb, is really something to brag about.

Then he mentioned his new girlfriend and that she was really thin, and in shape, and hot, but she wanted to "get even hotter" for him so she upped her gym time from three days a week to five. He then said they were so happy. I might (but probably not) have been upset by this news if a mutual friend hadn't told me a few days ago that this Oh-So-Happy-Guy is still checking his OKCupid profile almost daily. She can't be that great if you're still looking to upgrade.

There were some more digs about my weight, and I was just about to hang up when something occurred to me... He's not happy, he's not happy at all. He's probably seen my twitter or my blog, or even my facebook page (since I'm not a very private individual and everyone can see just about anything I post) and realized that not only am I happy, but I've moved on to a guy who's actually worth a damn. So, I decided, why don't we turn the tables, and why don't I torture this asshole for a bit?

He made another crack about my weight and I said "No, I have no problem with dieting or going to the gym, I just felt that I shouldn't have to do it for you." And he said "Well, my girlfriend does do it for me, so ha." Yes, he actually said "So, Ha."

Then I said "Well, if a girl feels like she has to change herself just to keep a man, I don't imagine she's a very happy individual. but that's my opinion..."

He shoots back "Yeah, because you're so happy."

"Actually, I am, very happy. [The Egg Roll] is pretty great. We're thinking of moving in together later in the year."

"How long have you been dating this guy?" Now he sounded surprised.

"Since April. I've known him since were kids, though." A little white lie... I've known him and his sister, sure, but we never spent any real time together. BW doesn't need to know that.

"Oh, and where was he all that time you were single?" You could hear the smirk in his voice. He always sounds like that when he's getting a thrill out of being a total dick.

"Well, he was married, then he divorced her a little while ago, and so we reconnected." I paused, smiling to myself. "It may seem kind of sudden, but when something's right, it's right."

"Yeah, I said that once, and well, I'm still waiting on my divorce." BW said, and I could hear the sneer in his voice... the same tone he had used when he told me I'd never be good enough for him.

"Yes [BW],... but you're overlooking a major difference between this situation and that: He's not an alcoholic sociopathic jerk who enjoys manipulating and hurting people, and I'm not a whore who's going to run off with another man, have a baby, not know who the father is, and trick [Egg Roll] into paying child support." I said with a grin. Then I hung up, blocked his number, and smiled to myself.

Henceforth, we should call BW "Mario", because he just got One Upped.

How petty and childish he is? I'm sorry that you've never had a healthy relationship in your life and now you're sorry you dumped me because every girl you've dated since me is a complete idiot, but don't try to piss all over my picnic because you're miserable. You are a monster and you always will be, and you'll never been truly happy until you start respecting other people and realize that you're not all that -- You have no job, you live with your parents, and your feeble attempts at starting your own business have all failed, folded and driven you further in to debt. You never went to college and you got kicked out of the air forced for drinking. The only girls you can date are vapid sluts that don't understand that when you say you own your own business, you really mean you cut grass.

I've had a small amount of success as a writer, this is true, but that's better than no success at all. I have a boyfriend who does everything he can to make sure I am happy, and who loves me just the way I am. He didn't need me to change, because he sees what you could never see.

Go back to AA. Your problems are not my fault, so don't you dare take them out on me. I am happy, you are toxic. I wish I had seen this before I wasted all those months and tears on you. You're the one who is trash, and if you ever read this, I hope you understand what I mean when I say you're going to wind up alone.

A Social Issue: #Blamethemuslims

2011-07-25T00:05:00.007-04:00

Normally, I don't bother reading the ridiculous "trending topics" on Twitter... They're almost always #SomeAwardsShow or #Celebrity or #movie or the dreaded #IAmATeenagerWhoShouldntBeOnTwitterAndThisIsMyNewFormOfThoseMySpaceSurveys...

Today, however, one of the trending topics localized to D.C. was "#BlametheMuslims." Just below that, "#Muslims". I have not turned on the TV or read any news yet today, as I came home from work last night (a rare day shift in the middle of a bunch of midnight shifts) and pretty much passed out. I have no idea what has transpired to make this a trending topic*. I don't need to know... because once again, society is probably blaming a whole group of people for one person's actions.
*Edit: The bombing and shootings in Oslo, Norway were committed by an Anti Muslim terrorist. Twitter was blaming Muslims for this man's actions. Nice.

I find that most of the people who throw around the term "Muslim" don't even use it correctly to begin with, and 90% of what follows it is usually blatant idiocy, anyway.

First of all, not all Muslims are Middle Eastern, or "Arabic". "Muslim" does not pertain to an Ethnicity at all, but rather a person who is a Muslim is a person who practices the religion known as Islam. "Muslim" means "One who submits to God". Islam is practiced all over the world, from the Caribbean to parts of Africa, to Asia. To group an entire population together, and say that they are all the same is wrong in any case, but let me paint you a better picture: Christianity is a religion, and we have many different types of practices and sects: Methodist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, and Baptist, just to name a few.

To draw a more parallel comparison, I'm going to use the Baptist faith as an example.

Within Baptism, you have extremists. For example, if you met most Baptists on the street, you would not feel threatened or angered by them. They are people, just like you and I.

But then imagine you met a person from the Westboro Baptist Church. Unless you happened to share their views, its likely you would find said views monstrous, even if you yourself were a Baptist.

So, what does that have to do with Muslims?

In all groups of people, you're going to have different ideas. Most Muslims are like Most Baptists, in a sense that they have no wish to harm others, but instead simply live to serve their God. BUT, There are extremists, such as The Taliban and Al-Qaeda, but they do not reflect the views of Islam as a whole.

It is unfortunate that ignorance exists, and some people who see a person of Middle Eastern descent fear him because they think he must be a member of the Taliban.

It's simply not true, nor is it fair.

How would you feel if you walked down the street and people lumped you in with the Westboro Baptists, without speaking to you, without asking you? You'd probably feel pretty upset at being compared or thrown in with people who practice such hate. I imagine a lot of Muslims probably feel that way as well.

America, though we claim to represent equality, is historically prejudiced. We have persecuted the Indians, Blacks, French, Irish, Asians, Gays, Women... and now we're targeting people because of their religion (or their perceived religion based on their skin color). Wasn't this country founded on the principles of religious freedom?

I've blogged about Gay Rights at length. I've talked about how much I long for equality, for a time when all people, regardless of age, race, religion, orientation, or gender can be considered the same. I've begged for change. I'm so scared that it's never going to happen. Why does this type of hatred exist? Why are some so ignorant?

Stop the Hate.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

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Sex and the City: The New Class

2011-07-20T16:34:00.002-04:00

While flipping through the Cate Middleton Fashion Extravaganza / Harry Potty issue of Us Weekly, I saw this picture:

I've never thought much of Selena Gomez as an actress. I've never seen anything with Annalynne McCord in it. Emma Stone is a good actress, but I don't think she really possesses the right personality to play Miranda. Blake Lively is the only choice on here I even remotely agree with, but I wouldn't have cast her as Carrie. Even though she's only 24, I think she would be better suited for the older roll of Samantha. I really didn't agree with the magazine's choices at ALL... So I sat down and thought about who I'd like to see in the film, and in which role they'd be best suited.

Charlotte York McDougal Goldenblatt

Originally played by: Kristin Davis
The New Class: Camilla Belle

Not only does Camilla resemble Kristen, but she also played a runner in When a Stranger Calls (2006), and the character of Charlotte is a runner. I think Belle posses the sweet, yet feisty nature of Charlotte.

Miranda Hobbes Brady

Bonnie Wright (VIA)

Originally played by: Cynthia Nixon
The New Class: Kirsten Dunst (or Bonnie Wright)

Kirstin Dunst is not the best actress in the word, but I think she has the ability to pull off Miranda's no nonsense attitude. We all ready know she can pull off red hair. Depending on the other actresses cast in the film, though, Dunst might be too old at 29, as Blake Lively and Camilla Belle are in their early 20s. Bonnie Wright, of Harry Potter Fame, is 20. If she could pull off a decent American accent, she would probably fit in with a younger cast.

Samantha Jones

Originally played by: Kim Cattrall
The New Class: Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried might be a bit young to play the older character of Samantha, but I definitely think she has the acting chops. She's all ready proven her versatility -- horror (Jennifer's Body - and don't try to tell me that movie wasn't horrifying-ly bad), Comedy (Mean Girls), Musicals (Mama Mia!) and Romance (Letters to Juliet)-- and I think that the balls-of-steel-sexy Samantha would be no challenge for her.

The magazine wanted to cast Blake Lively as the roll of writer and plot-centric Carrie. While there are physical similarities between Sarah Jessica Parker and Lively physically, I think that she is too much of a beachy California girl to play Empire State of Mind Carrie Bradshaw. I pondered this casting decision for a good long while, thinking of actress I like, and have seen play more than just one type of roll, who resembles the neurotic, kitschy, shoe obsessed Bradshaw. Britney Show? Ashley Olsen? Who really had the chops to play one of the most beloved female character of the 90s? I pondered Evanna Lynch (Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter), and while Luna's and Carrie's fashion sense over laps a bit, I didn't know enough Evanna as an actress, because her parts in Harry Potter were so small. Ashlee Simpson has the face, but I think I would boycott the movie if I saw her name anywhere near the credits. If Lindsay Lohan could get her act together for five minutes, I might consider her as the roll of Bradshaw, but I really don't think anyone wants to mess around with that ticking time bomb... So... WHO?!

Finally, after googling "hot actresses under 25", it finally came to me... Fashionable, cute, and a good actress? Why did it come to me before?

Carrie Bradshaw Preston

Originally played by: Sarah Jessica Parker
The new class: Keira Knightly

Granted, Ms. Knightly doesn't resemble Ms. Parker as much physically as I would have liked, but if we can turn dark haired, dark eyed Orlando Bloom into the Aryan Poster boy, Legolas, it shouldn't be hard to help Keira into a pair of blue contacts and a blond wig. It's more her attitude and skill. She's beautiful, anyone can see that, but it's her talent as an actress that sold me. Don't judge her by Pirates of the Caribbean (though she was pretty bad ass in At World's End ), but more so in her performance in The Duchess or Atonement... even Love Actually, or Domino.

So there you have it, MY pick for the cast of a Sex and the City Prequel. What about you, Dear Readers? Who would you like to see in which role?

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

2011-07-19T20:22:00.006-04:00

The short answer is "Yes, yes I am."

The longer version is that I'm not afraid of the dark so much, as what I cannot see. If I'm at home, in my bedroom and I have the lights out, I'm not afraid, per sae. It's familiar.

However, when I'm away from home... Or even when I'm home, but in the living room, or the kitchen, and the lights are off... I feel uneasy.

Part of it is my overactive imagination. As a writer, I've spent a good chunk of my life imagining things; characters, story lines and whole realms that just don't exist. It's easy to blur the lines sometimes. I see something out of the corner of my eye that isn't there when I look a second time.

Another part of it is I believe. I believe in ghosts and aliens and demons. I believe that there are unseen forces working all around us. Egg Roll thinks it's silly, and that because there is no proof that ghosts or demons exist.

VIA

We watched "Insidious" the other night and I haven't been able to sleep properly since. Every creek and groan the house made was The Man With Fire on His Face coming after me. I was afraid to go in the dark kitchen or the bathroom because he was waiting for me, in the shadows, behind the shower curtain.

I was terrified. Egg Roll was much less affected by the movie. He kept falling asleep during, and had absolutely no trouble sleeping after. I hate him.

I like scary movies, I'd even go so far as to say that I like being scared. It's a deep, primal emotion, and feeling it puts you in touch with a side of yourself you don't really get to experience normally... but I did not like this feeling, this terror that this movie inspired. It preyed upon my biggest fear, and exploited it.

VIA

Now I turn to you, Dear Readers. I've told you what I'm most afraid of -- what I can't see, what is lurking in the shadows out of sight. What is it that you are most afraid of? What inspires terror in you?

First World Problems... No, I'm not writing about HP7 part II. That's what they'll be expecting...

2011-07-15T10:08:00.000-04:00

No, this is a rant about the night surrounding the movie, because I have first world problems... I'll write about the movie next week.

Last night, at 12:13, the most important movie I will probably see this year began in theater 13 at Regal Cinemas in Salisbury Maryland. After months of waiting patiently, I was finally going to see the very last Harry Potter movie ever. Suffice to say, being the giant potter nerd that I am, I was pretty dang excited.

Jugg, Minders, La Pinata, and La Pinata's man-friend and I went to dinner and drinks before the film. Man friend kind of threw a wrench in the plans for the evening by first (instead of letting us split the check at the register) throwing a 50 down and saying "I'll make this easy. Someone else can pay the rest." Bitch, you just complicated matters... Because now I look like a total cheap ass since the remaining balance isn't enough to justify a split on two debit cards, but I really don't have enough extra money for a huge tip that the waitress deserves for waiting on five loud people all night. I hate under-tipping, so to the waitress at Plaza Tapitia, I'm sorry I tipped you barely 15 percent. That's usually not my style, but funds are tight.

I know Man Friend was just trying to be nice, but the waitress had said she could split it at the register, no problem... There's no need to over complicate matters.

Then we get to the movie theater and Man Friend leaves La Pinata and I in line to hold his place so he can go take shots of liquor with Juggernaut, and that's when I realize that he and I went out a few times a couple of years ago, but it didn't go anywhere. He clearly either didn't remember, or didn't want to remember. I'm not pressed either way. I tell La Pinata and we have a giggle.

We get seated, and I decided I wanted a drink. Minders and I had come to the agreement that since I had the extra ticket (I bought it for TNR, but she couldn't get off work that night), she didn't owe me anything for it, she could just buy me a soda or something at the theater.

Juggs decides he's going to go get something to drink so I go with him. Minders hands me her debit card and says that she wants a coke too. Then Man friend says "Yeah, grab me one." I look at Minders to make sure it's okay and he goes "What? I just gave you 50 bucks. You can get me a soda." Monkey Wrench my friend, Monkey Wrench. I just said "I'll figure it out." to Minders and went to get in line. The long ass line. Finally, Juggs and I decided that since Juggs wound up not paying anything for his dinner he'd get Man Friend's soda, so that way Minders didn't wind up paying for his and I didn't hold up the lines making two separate transactions. I then had to juggle three huge movie theater cups, my purse, my ticket to get back in, and my jacket all the way back to the theater.

Then Man Friend decided someone should go to Juggernaut's car and get the bottle of liquor and bring it in. Really? You can't sit through a 2.5 hour movie without a mixed drink? So Juggs takes La Pinata's purse (yes, that happened) out to his car, gets the bottle, and brings it in.

On the last of our various trips in and out of the theater to get drinks, use the rest room, etc, I spotted a girl I've known since the 7th grade, who now works as a manager of the movie theater. Rather, we physically bumped in to each other because I was dodging a lady with five be-robed little ones and she was trying not to step on a little boy carrying three drinks and a jumbo pop corn. I understand that she was busy as all hell, but she didn't even look at me or say excuse me. I wasn't expecting a chitchat or time to catch up, but someone you've know for almost 15 years comes in to your personal space, you should at least return their "Oh Sorry, Hey (Person's name)." with a "Hey" or at the very least a nod. That's just my personal opinion.

I said something about it to a mutual friend later and she got very snarky and said "Well she was busy preparing for the other 3000 people coming to the theater that night." Oh, I'm sorry... What part of WE TOUCHED and she just kept walking don't you understand? Even if she didn't have time to register that it was ME(though I called her by name), I am a patron of her place of employment and we just collided. I didn't even get a "Sorry" or an "excuse me". Plus, this was after the previews had started, most of the people were all ready inside the theater. But I digress, rudeness just irritates me. I'm sure my mutual friend (the snarky one) thinks I'm being stupid and maybe I am, but if the tables were turned and it had been me in the position of the Snubber and I didn't say hello to one of them, I'm sure it would have been the corner stone of gossip about how rude I was being. Silliness.

Speaking of Silliness, I did not dress up, or bring my wand to the premier, though I did wear my Deathly Hallows shirt. A lot of other people did dress up as characters from the movie (or just in Hogwart's uniforms). There was one guy in a full wizard costume, complete with a long white beard. The best was a Narcissa Malfoy costume, because she looked EXACTLY like the character from the movie, right down to the shoes and the suit. For a character who had such little scream time in the previous films, this chick had it exactly right. The attention to detail of her costume was amazing.

But there were other people who were dressed up as... things that were not in the movie. There was another girl wearing ripped up everything and "dirt" smears on her face, with gianormously teased hair. I guess she was supposed to be a muggle-born victim of the snatchers? Oh, and The Dagger was there, dress at one of the Doctors from Dr. Who. Yes, it makes perfect sense to dress up as a character from a TV show that's totally unrelated to the movie you're about to see. Her rationale was "so many Dr. Who actors have appeared in HP." Bitch, if you are British and act, you have a 50% chance of being in Harry Potter. Whatever, to each their own, right?

There were also a lot of girls who clearly took "Oooh, we can stay out late" as Cart Blanche to dress up like grown ups. I saw one girl wearing hooker boots and those god awful tube-top-shorts-onsies-looking things, and a fedora. She looked all of fifteen. There were a lot of other girls there wearing outfits you normally only see out at a club in New Jersey... see through tops and heels, again looking like they weren't old enough to drive. Again, to each their own, but I didn't think they looked as cute as they thought. La Pinata agreed with me.

All in all, the night wasn't too bad, and the movie was good (more about it another day). Hanging out with my friends is always my idea of a good time. Speaking of which, time to call TNR and head out to the beach.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

"Caylee's Law"

2011-07-13T16:28:00.001-04:00

DC Princess posted a link to this Huffington Post article on Facebook, and I took at a few minutes to read it.

I'm inclined to agree with "Caylee's Law" at first. I think that's the idea. It appeals to us on an emotional level. What parent WOULDN'T want to report their child missing or deceased as soon as possible?

But as I read on, I began to realize just how much has to be taken into consideration when setting a precedent like this. You can't pick an arbitrary amount of time with out a LOT of research, which frankly, I don't think that Michelle Crowder (the activist pushing for Caylee's Law to pass) has had time to do. Radley Balko, the author of the article, points out that there are extenuating circumstances to consider.

He also points out that its very difficult to pinpoint an exact time of death. As far as medical science has advanced, we are still very painfully limited.

While I do think that some type of precedent should be set to prevent parental neglect, I think that more research on the matter is needed. Every case is different. In certain cases, such as kidnappings, parents are told that the child will be killed if they go to the police. This scare tactic would probably prevent a lot of parents from reporting a child missing.

There's also the case of kids like me. My mother worked nights when I was a teenager, and it wasn't unusual for us to go a day or two without seeing each other. It's not an ideal way to grow up, but that's not the issue here. The point is, was my mother supposed to report me missing every time she didn't see me?

I think that Cowder's heart is in the right place, but emotions are running high in the wake of the Casey Anthony case. Now is not the time for rash action. Now is the time for careful thought and delicate actions. We all want to make sure that this doesn't happen again, but we can't let our emotions get the best of us.

What do you think, Dear Readers? Should a law be set in place mandating the actions of parents in the wake of the death or disappearance of a child?

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Ultimate Fight Song Collection (River Tam's Playlist)

2011-07-11T05:47:00.001-04:00

Have you ever been scrolling through your music library, and come across a song that just screams "Fight Song"? Do you ever imagine yourself kicking major amounts of ass to your song, a la Jessica Biel's character in Blade: Trinity? Or is it just me?

I was scrolling through my tunes the other day, and I came across some that I forgot I had. No doubt downloaded when I was going through my "I want to be River Tam" phase last year... And I thought to myself (again) "I want to be River Tam... and this is her playlist."

Toby Mac - "Ignition"
There's just something about this song that makes me want to jump on some ninja baddies and kick their ninja baddy asses. It's a song like this that makes you want to be an MMA fighter and wail on someone, with dramatic cuts where you suddenly look up in the camera, and then take off running after more bad guys.
The Glitch Mob - "Drive it Like You Stole it"
Probably for the best, I never included this song in any of my "driving" play lists, as I might be temped to try out some Tokyo drift type moves listening to it. The song really does make you want to steal a car. (Note: Mascara & Microchips does not promote grand theft auto. Unless we're talking about the video game.)
Breaking Benjamin - "I Will Not Bow"
I think anyone who has ever heard a Breaking Benjamin song knows the raw power they possess. "I Will Not Bow" is no different. I've always pictured it as a slow-motion fight scene song... Preferably with rain. And SWORDS!
Kimberly Cole - "Smack U"
This song is perfect for a catty girl fight. I mean, the song is ABOUT a Catty Girl Fight. "Tonight I'm gonna smack a bitch!"
Stabbing Westward - "The Thing I Hate"
Ahhh, the days of Synth Metal, or as the kids call it, "Industrial Rock". Anyone who played "Duke Nukem" knows this song. Might be a good song for slaying zombies. Or Vampires. Or Reavers.
Reavers... They're all made up of Rage! *ahem* Moving on...
Trapt - "Headstrong"
Most folks who listen to Trapt know this is far from their best song, but it's their most well known song. I think it would actually be a better song for say, a movie about computer hackers, than a nitty-gritty fight movie, but I can definitely see some throw down potential.
Trust Company - "Downfall"
More dramatic cuts. More rain? More Swords? Always more swords. Swords in the rain. That's always an epic action movie.
Three Days Grace - "Animal"
No action movie is complete with out some internal conflict with the main character. He's (or she's) an awesome, unstoppable killing machine, but they have a moral dilemma. Whatever will they do? Explode. And then kill people.
Smile Empty Soul - "Bottom of the Bottle"
This song was the shit back in the day. And any hero with extraordinary powers has probably been through a similar inner monologue. The rush of danger... the adrenaline... It makes them feel alive... but at what price?
Rammstien - "Bang, Bang"
The beginning of this song has a really gentle feel to it, then you get slapped with a synth'ed riff and the harsh lyrics. Pretty good song for a gun fight... or maybe feverish computer hacking. Or maybe both, inter-cut.
Thousand Foot Krutch - "Move"
I always envisioned this song going with a good old fashioned bare knuckles boxing match.

What about you, dearest readers? What's your fight song? You know the one I mean. The one that makes you want to start kicking ass and chewing bubble gum.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

You Can't Take the Sky From Me

2011-07-10T07:46:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite TV Shows is Firefly. Or rather, I guess I should say "was".

Fox cancelled the Joss Wheadon space opera after showing three episodes, out of sequence, starting with the second episode (and never showing the pilot, which explained a lot about the word the characters lived in and how they all came to be together), and never really bothering to market the show at all.

The fourteen episode Series and the movie based on it are perennially available on Netflix's instant feature and feature an ensemble cast; including Nathan Fillion (Castle, Slither, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog), Jewel Staite (Space Cases, Stargate Atlantis), Summer Glau (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The 4400, The Cape) Alan Tyduk (Dollhouse, A Knight's Tale) and one of the Baldwin Brothers (the best looking one, in my opinion), Adam.

While the concept of "Space Western" seems kind of silly at first, after watching the series, you start to understand and believe that things would be that way. Set in 2157, it's established that Earth (referred to as "Earth that was") was used up, and couldn't support us. We had to find new worlds, and so, new planets were terraformed, though many of them were still primitive, without modern conveniences. We were kept in line by a vast, ever reaching government, known simply as "The Alliance", who under the guise of working towards a greater good, control every aspect of the day-to-day lives of the people.

After a huge war for independence which Captain Malcolm Reynolds and first mate Zoey Washburn fought on the losing side of, Mal obtains an antiquated run down spaceship, known as a "Firefly Class". He names the ship "Serenity" after a particularly bloody battle, and also the final battle of the Civil War. Heavy casualties were sustained on the side of the independents (Brown Coats). People frequently question why Mal names his ship after a battle he was "on the wrong side of", to which he makes the distinction "maybe the losing side, but not the wrong side." Though Mal never explains his choice of name, Zoey tells another crew member, (in a scene that was not air on television) that "once you've been in Serenity [Valley], you can ever leave."

Together with Zoey's new husband, Hoban Washburn (know throughout the entire series simply as "Wash") as their pilot, muscle man, machine gun toting Jayne, and mechanic Kaylee, the crew sets out to do a bit of work... mostly smuggling, but occasionally they are a legitimate passenger ship.

At the start of the series, Mal docks to take on passengers, and Dr. Simon Tam, Lawrence Dobbs and a Sheppard (priest type) known as Book. They also reconnect with Inara, a companion (high class prostitute, the likes of which are highly revered and respected, not to mention very well paid) who rents one of the ships shuttles and travels with the crew through space. Her presences opens certain doors for the crew, and because of the arrangement, she's able to expand her client base. The romantic tension between her and Mal is obvious.

At this point, we discover someone on board is an alliance mole, and Dr. Tam has actually smuggled his sister, River Tam, out of an alliance academy, which was, in reality, just a front for a government facility. River's far-above-average intelligence, as well as her incredible physical grace, and precognitive abilities make her a prime candidate for the alliance's experiments to create the ultimate assassin. When River is discovered, Mal must make a choice, turn her and Simon over to the alliance, or become fugitives themselves by running away.

Mal opts to run, and Simon (much to the disapproval of Jayne) becomes a member of the crew as the Ship's doctor. River's mental state is shattered at best. Some days she has lucid days, and other days, she is a danger to herself and others.

The series then expands upon Mal's desire to make a living in a universe where gun slinging and robbery are the norm, where he walks a fine line between immortality and morality, his love for Inara and his disgust for her profession, and the welfare of his crew is jeopardized almost daily. Between the Alliance chasing them, jobs becoming scarce, and space filling up with "Reavers" (Zombie-like space dwellers who prey upon lone ships, raping, killing and desecrating the crew before eating their flesh), keeping his flock safe is a tall order.

The movie, "Serenity" picks up almost where the series left of, only we discover more about the alliance, their obsession with capturing River Tam, and River Tam herself.

And just to show you what I mean by "danger to others", let me show you why River Tam is such a bad ass:

Click here to enlarge.

XKCD is a webcomic created by fellow Nerd Randall Monroe. He, too, has expressed displeasure with Fox's choices where Firefly is concerned. This comic then inspired a rash of internet fan videos. This is my favorite one:

River Tam is amazing, and I want to be just like her when I grow up. Except, not crazy.

What's your favorite science fiction series, Dear Readers? Do you know of and enjoy "Firefly"? Who's your all time favorite science fiction character?

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Things I Wish the World Knew...

2011-07-08T04:12:00.004-04:00

Wearing glasses does not automatically make you a nerd. I'm talking to all you half naked girls who have never glanced at any part of J.R.R. Tolkien's Legendarium, but own a pair of black, plastic glasses, which you don in your Facebook profile pix while making that deplorable kissy face, then caption it "I'm Such a NeRd <3". I hope you are forcibly made to eat cockroaches while simultaneously raped by a pterodactyl.
There is a difference between "your" and "you're". THEY ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. If you don't know the difference, look it up. Don't type "you'r". You're not fooling anyone.
98% of small, daily frustrations could be saved if you would just listen before you talked.
Spell Check is a wondrous thing, and without it, I would look like an even bigger idiot. It now comes built in to most browsers. I suggest you utilize it.
Commercials lie. No product is going to make you look like the actress or actor in the commercial. That required a team of make up artists, hair stylists, lighting techs, a camera crew, and a big ass fan.
Facebook is not going to start charging you, no one in Nigeria wants to give you money, there is no clown that is going to eat you if you don't forward this e-mail. Also? No one gives a fuck about your sheep on Farmville. In fact, if we could, we would make Uggs out of your sheep.
If you're making a phone call, please do the following:
1. Breathe through your nose, away from the receiver.
2. Turn off the TV/Radio or Step outside, away from the Sub-woofer.
3. Remember that prank calls stop being cool once you reach the age of thirteen.
4. Stop talking to the other people you're with.
5. accept that you've dialed a wrong number when told so. Also, don't ask the person you called if they know the number for the place you're trying to reach.

Always remember that good personal hygiene is a fabulous idea, whether or not you think you need it. Trust me. You do.
Don't push away the people who are willing to help you when things get bad. If they were there for you when you were feeling like shit, don't be an asshole and use them. Likewise, if someone abuses your kindness, don't sit still for it.
You are not the center of the universe. The world doesn't not run on your time. Businesses close. Be mindful of that when you're going about your day.
President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. He's not a terrorist, he's not a sleeper member of Al Qaeda. You need to stop watching Fox News and listening to Glen Beck. He's a christian. His Middle name is Hussein. My middle name is Monsoon. What's your point?
The book isn't always better than the movie, but it usually is. You'd know that if you read more.
Harry Potter is not a rip-off of Twilight. The only thing the two have in common is the Surname "Black"... along with about a million other people. (Also, several Harry Potter books were published before Stephenie Myer began writing Twilight.)
Waiting until the last minute and becoming enraged with the person on the phone when you're getting down to the wire on time is something that will get you a reserved seat in the second ring of Hell.
Things change, whether or not you want them to. You can't stop change. You can only try to make the best of it.
Global Warming is real, but it's not correctly named. Instead of Global Warming, they should have called it "Global Climate Change". Anyone who argues that the climate(s) of the world aren't changing is an ignorant buffoon.
Someone who uses correct grammar and spelling isn't a person who never gets laid, or snobby. They are a person that you will be saying "May I take your order, please?" to when you flunk out of college after your professors are unable to decipher what the fuck you're trying to say in your papers.
Most Muslims aren't violent, American Hating people as a whole. They have extremists, and that's what you're used to thinking of when people talk about Muslims. We have extremists in Christianity, too.
Fifteen minutes of fame isn't worth a lifetime of being the butt of jokes. Act like you have some sense. I'm looking at you, Jersey Shore Cast.
Speaking of Jersey Shore ignorance, You can still get genital herpes even if your partner is wearing a condom. You can get genital herpes from Oral Sex. You can spread genital herpes even if you or your partner isn't experiencing an outbreak. There is no cure for genital herpes.
Pirates are better than Ninjas.
Fox lost all credibility with me when they canceled "Firefly". When "The Simpson's" goes off the air, they will have nothing. NOTHING.
Good men are hard to find. Don't make it even harder by treating the nice guys like shit so that they become assholes.
If it costs $4.99, it's not a good steak.
Girls fart. We poop, too. Anyone who says we don't obviously never lived with one. Get over it.
If you can't handle hearing about a period, you're not mature enough to hang around with women, because it will be talked about. At length.
Applebee's should be no one's idea of fine dining.
Anyone who talks about class and isn't referring to a room in which learning will take place... Has none.
Just because you have a book deal or a single out doesn't mean people want to read it, or hear it. Again, I'm looking at you, Jersey Shore.
"What we do in life echoes in eternity." "There is no such thing as speech that is free. You must pay for everything you say." Those are two quotes which you should reflect on at length before you open your mouth.
Never click "install toolbars". That's why you're calling me at 2 am and asking me why your computer is running so slowly.
Everyone and Everything exists to be mocked and belittled by someone else. That's why we should all be thankful for Justin Bieber. He takes some of the load off of the rest of us.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

The Most Evil Dark Lord of All Time

2011-07-07T00:53:00.002-04:00

Mirror Mirror, on the Wall, who's the most evil Dark Lord of All?

History has brought us tales of a wealth of evil people rising to power, abusing their power, enslaving their subjects, murdering, raping, pillaging, and otherwise doing horrible things... and not to diminish those unspeakable acts, for they were truly atrocious, but they would have paled in comparison to our panel of Dark Lords, were they real people.

But which of these nefarious book-and-film characters is the most evil? Darth Vader? Sauron? Lord Voldemort? Emperor Palpatine (not pictured)? Let's examine the evidence:

Lord Vader

This sith lord hunted down his own children, killed his mentor, ordered the assassination of his step-brother and his wife, killed the children at the Jedi Temple, and caused the death of his own wife... Not to mention helping to enslave an entire galaxy. (And before you say "Yeah, and he blew up a planet!" Technically, that was Grand Moff Tarkin's order, though Vader did nothing to stop him, and forced Leia to watch.)

The Dark Artist formerly known as Anakin Skywalker has some serious crimes under his belt, but as George Lucas so poorly pointed out in the Prequel trilogies, it was Anakin's capacity to love that brought about his ultimate downfall. First his love for his mother, then his love for his wife, Padmé Amidala. His love caused him to fear the death of his wife, and to become angry at the death of his mother, seeking revenge against the sand people. As Yoda once said: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate... Hate leads to suffering." And boy, did we. It seemed like there was no one more formidable than Vader. He could force choke your dumbass from halfway across the galaxy. That is a dude you don't want to mess with.

However, in the final installment, Return of the Jedi, Vader makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the life of his son, and indirectly, his daughter and the hundreds of people and Ewoks on Endor, by standing in the way of the his master, the Emperor, thus redeeming himself and bringing balance and order to the force.

So on a Scale of one to ten, one being Ghandi and ten being real life dark lord Hitler, where does Vader fall? I give him a five.

No, this ain't Lady GaGa

Sauron:
This Lord of the Rings villain was a pretty wicked dude. He was essentially the equivalent to a fallen angel (kind of like Lucifer, aka THE DEVIL!) Sauron was kind of a lap dog to Morgoth, and when Morgoth pissed off Eru (Middle Earth's God), he took Sauron down with him.

Sauron, like Vader, had originally been a good guy, but it was his desire for order and control that ultimately led to the corruption of his soul or spirit.

It was Sauron's lust for control and "complete power" that lead to the forging of the great rings, and The One Ring. You know the one I'm talking about. The PRECIOUS.

So, aside from creating a bunch of rings that slowing suck out your humanity and poison your soul, enslaving you to Sauron's Will, he also created a ring that was full of evil and cruelty which would actually cause you to kill your best friend for it. Then he used a bunch of Orcs, Goblins, Trolls, and one twisted wizard to attempt to enslave middle earth not once, but twice.

Sauron's grade? 7. It would be an 8, but he got beaten by a bunch of hobbits.

Lord Voldemort:
Formerly known as Tom Riddle, Voldy has been called "The Most Evil Dark Wizard of All Time" and if it wasn't for those darn kids and their wands, he would have tortured and killed all the muggles, and ruled the wizarding world forever.

He was so evil, 10 years after he disappeared the first time, people were still afraid to use his name. "He Who Must Not Be Named" and "You Know Who" were whispered in terror whenever he need be mentioned, for all but a precious few.

Voldemort even started out evil. From a young age, he used his magic to hurt and scare people. He was manipulative, he was cunning, and he was obsessed with becoming the master of death.

He murdered hundreds of people, muggle and wizard alike. He thought that love, and honor, and loyalty, and friendship were not only a waste of time, but also a weakness. So blinded to these things was he actually met his own doom the first time around when he tangled with Harry Potter. Harry's mother's love protected him from the Killing Curse. Voldemort could not have foreseen such an act, because love was something he just couldn't understand.

So with the deaths of all these muggles, mudbloods, elves, goblins, giants, and other magical creature under his belt, Voldemort began to transform the Wizarding world into pre-WWII Germany, only instead of hunting the Jews, they were hunting the muggle-born witches and wizards. He even killed the man whom he considered one of his most faithful servants, just because he wanted a smidge more power than he all ready had. He punished the failure of another servant by setting up an elaborate suicide mission for their only son. He had no regard for anyone, nor anything, but himself and his quest for immortality and power, not even in the beginning, not even as a child.

Voldemort's grade? 9.

So there you have it, the most evil Dark Lord of all time is Lord Volde-

Yo, Imma let you finish, but
Emperor Palpatine was the most evil
Dark Lord of all time.
Of ALL TIME!

You know what? For once, Kanye, I agree with you.

Emperor Palaptine AKA Darth Sidious, AKA The Dark Lord of the Sith:
For those of you who are not familiar with the Lore of the expanded Universe, let me enlighten you:

The Sith are bad, bad folk. And when they die, they don't really die, because all that evil is still floating around. Palpatine dies at the end of Return of the Jedi, but he doesn't REALLY die... Six years later, he's resurrected as "Palpatine the Undying" by possessing one of his own assassins (called "The Emperor's Hands") and the battle starts all over again. But that's not even the worst of it.

Palpatine started out as a senator, representing Naboo. In order to orchestrate his rise to power, he organized a trade dispute that caused many on Naboo to starve or succumb to illness. He used the force to manipulate the weak minded, and outright deceit and lies to manipulate those that couldn't be swayed with a little hand waving. He murdered Sifo-Dyas and assumed his identity briefly to organize the creation of a clone army (aka the Storm Troopers we're so familiar with). Then, he was named Chancellor of the Galatic Republic... but even that wasn't enough power for him.

He contracts the Geonosian builders to work on the ultimate weapon (the Death Star), and when Darth Maul fails to take out Obi-wan Kenobi, he doesn't even bat an eyelash, he just goes out and finds himself a new apprentice... who he then uses to arrange his own kidnapping, so Anakin will come rescue him. When Anakin kills this new apprentice, it's on Palpatine's orders!

Speaking of Anakin, you know how he has no clue who his father is? It's Palpatine. Indirectly. Palpatine was all ready pretty entrenched in the Dark Side of the force, having killed his own master and several of his apprentices, when he started experimenting with Mediclorins and such. He actually manipulated the mediclorins to the point that they could create life, and he created Anakin. He created Anakin for the sole purpose of using him.

So, there's all that. Then there's the execution of Mace Windu and countless others in the ongoing struggle between the republic and the separatists... Which Palpatine uses to his full advantage, manipulating the senate in to making him The Emperor. He then orders that Order 66 be executed, and all the Jedi (with the exception of Yoda and Obi-Wan) be slain. He then posions Anakin's mind by promising to save Padme from death if Anakin pledges himself to him. Anakin then leads the 501st legion of troops to march on the Jedi Temple, and slaughters the children there, under Palpatine's power.

Palpatine then has complete control (with no oposition) over the Galaxy. He kills people who oppose him and often kills those closest to them to make the suffering even greater. He's a pretty big jerk.

But that's nothing compared to what he does AFTER he builds the Death Star.

Oh, you oppose me? Well, I WILL JUST BLOW UP YOUR PLANET, THEN! I'll kill EVERYONE! Muahahahahahaha!

*Ahem*

So, Palpatine's grade? 27. He wins. He's the Darkest Dark Lord of all time.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Harry Potter and the Very Last, Final Chapter

2011-07-04T05:51:00.003-04:00

In just 11 days, the greatest story of our generation comes to a close... I'm talking about Harry Potter, for those of you who have never read my blog before.

Yes, Dear Readers, the Final Movie, made from the second half of the Final Book hits theaters nationwide at midnight on 7/15/2011.

After nearly 11 years, the final chapter of the Saga of Harry Potter, Orphaned by the evil and power hungry Lord Voldemort, comes to an end.

Sadly, I was unable to purchase tickets to the midnight showing due to a work conflict, but I'm planning on going to see the first available show on Friday.

I can't help but be a little forlorn that it's all almost over with, because I've been looking forward to it for so long. Once it's over, what will I do afterwards? I know, life will go on, but I think anyone who's ever really enjoyed a book series, or a movie franchise, is more than a little sad when its over.

Harry Potter has a lot of themes, and a lot of underlying messages that people can argue over and over again, but I think the most important lesson that it teaches kids is that love is the most important thing in life. A life without love, is nothing.

So, I lift my glass to Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Molly, Arthur, Remus Lupin, Fred, George, Sirius, Aberforth, Charlie, Percy, Bill, Fleur, Cho, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Luna, Tonks, Hagrid, Professor McGonnagal, Professor Flitwick, Professor Trewlaney, Professor Moody, Madame Maxine, Colin, Dennis, Mr. Filch, Mundungus, Dobby, Kreacher, Madame Pomfrey, Professor Sprout, James, Lily, Kingsly, Stan, Professor Slughorn, Professor Snape, and of course, Headmaster Dumbledore... It has been a pleasure getting to know all of you, and falling in love with you. You've made me laugh, you've made me cry... and now that it's over, I'm so sad to see you go. I hope that one day, we meet again, but if we do not, take solace in knowing that you have helped shape, not only who I am as a person, but many other young hearts and minds as well.

Thanks for reading, and have a fabbing fuckulous day!

Kat Storm's Guide to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Style

Ten Types of Friends You're Not Sure Why You Have

Love in a Hopeless Place

Do you know how hard it is to climb on a soap box in 6 inch heels?

Road Trip: The Blog (Better than the movie, but with less nudity.)

An Open Letter to J.K. Rowling

Make-Up Monday: How to wear Red Eye Shadow

Bloggettes: Jon Snow - Bastard of Winterfell, Rick Moranis, and Dance Moms

I Get Tired Just Reading the Wikipedia Pages for Extremely Accomplished People

The Hardest Job on Earth

STOP INTERNET CENSORSHIP!

Michelle Visage's Face Bothers Me.

"Is He Gay?" (Alternatively Titled: "Dad, this is why your other children don't visit.")

Animal Prints: Dos and Don'ts

Make-Up Monday: Eyebrow Rehab

Oh, the Jersey Shore...

WTF Wednesday: Courtney Stodden

Make Up Monday: Skin's In

Happy New Year (and why I hate generic relationship advice from the internet)

My Favorite Christmas Movies that Have Nothing to Do With Christmas (and a *little* make up monday)

Cynical Christmas Mathematics!

Flick Pick Friday: Movies I'm Looking Forward to in 2012

First Trailer for "The Hobbit" hits the internets...

The Great "Happy Holidays" Debate

And then they parked in the lot, and ate their food!

Make Up Monday: Holiday Glow

Fiction Friday: A Preview of "High Heels & Hangovers"

Make Up Monday: Leona Lewis Inspired Look

Really, please don't make commentary about my vagina, or any vagina accessories...

Happy Holidays, You Bastard.

Ask Kat: Dating 101

Things Never Go According to Plan Around Here

Thanksgiving and Whatnots

John Cleese's "Letter to America"

The "Game of Thrones" theme song makes me want to joust.

Things I'll Never Say, Part II

Sexy Danger Guy

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Too little, too late.

Kat Storm for President

Techie Tuesday: Review of Blogger's New Layout Options

Make Up Tutorial: Cornucopia

Eye Make Up Tutorial: Ocean City Gold Rush

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

Clean Slate

Dating 101: Ask Kat, Volume VI

So There I Was, Volume One

Obligatory Rant about Mark Zuckerberg.

Kat Storm Returns

Haitus

Things I Wish The World Knew, Part II

Porn and Disney

Selfish

More First World Problems

I'm All Shook Up

Fake News Stories about Kat Storm

Feminists Everwhere Will Hate Me For This Post

Friendship

Relationship Categories the Facebook *Should* Include

A Hero's Call: Prologue

Five Beauty Myths You Shouldn't Buy Into

Wither, Blister, Burn & Peel

Aging Gracefully V. Aging Gracelessly: Celebrity Edition

Feeding the Trolls

I'm Pretty Sure I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

Another Brick in the Wall

Slacktivists

Rain on This...

A Social Issue: #Blamethemuslims

Sex and the City: The New Class

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

First World Problems... No, I'm not writing about HP7 part II. That's what they'll be expecting...

"Caylee's Law"

Ultimate Fight Song Collection (River Tam's Playlist)

You Can't Take the Sky From Me

Things I Wish the World Knew...

The Most Evil Dark Lord of All Time

Harry Potter and the Very Last, Final Chapter

My Favorite Christmas Movies that Have Nothing to Do With Christmas (and a little make up monday)

Relationship Categories the Facebook Should Include